November 8, 2005 3:06 PM
Open Forum: How many children?
A reader asks:
I’m the mother of two precious little boys ages 3 and 15 months; my question to you is: how do I know for sure how many kids I want? Let me elaborate: when I was pregnant with my first son I developed rheumatoid arthritis; the whole pregnancy was painful and even six months after he was born I still had a lot of pain; I thought I was not going to have more kids in fear of the pain and discomfort; everything started to get better when he turned 6 months and now I know God has healed me and I’m doing just fine; I did not experience any pain during my second pregnancy and the birth was fine too, thanks to an epidural.My husband and I have talked about having more kids…but when I spend a few hours at night because one or the other is awake, or when I think about other things I want to accomplish, I really question my desire to have more kids. How did you know how many kids you wanted to have? Was it a one by one decision or you knew you wanted lots of kids from the beginning? How do I go about finding out what is the best for me? What things should I be considering and what questions should I be asking myself before deciding to have more babies?
I'm just going to say a couple things, then toss this question to my readers - it's actually a little selfish of me because I love to read your responses more than my own :)
First of all, I was not a Christian when I met my husband. I'd been married before and had two daughters. Also had a severe infection which doctors said would leave me sterile. I was using birth control anyway and I got pregnant. Tripp and I got married immediately. After Joshua was born, we were using birth control and I got pregnant again. We truly felt we were destined to be parents of a big family and we dedicated ourselves to that vision. Eighteen months and another baby later, we became Christians. To me, it will always be clear God planned our family.
Since then I've met other people who felt that if we trust God with every other aspect of our lives we can trust him with our family size. Not everyone who does this will have a dozen kids - some will have few or none - but the point is to trust God.
And about accomplishing stuff - I think we all know what you mean about the conflict of wanting to do something meaningful and spending days on laundry and lunchtime. That's the incredible mystery of motherhood: that the most meaningful work on earth is the most humble. And believe me, you will find that in laying down your life to help your kids reach their potential, you will surely reach yours. Remember Samuel 16:7: Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. It's not between you and the world and the world's expectations, but simply between you and God.
So listen for his voice.
But since he often speaks through others, I know there are some readers who can speak to this well.
Posted in Babies, Big families, Family, Mothering, Pro-Life Issues | Permalink
Comments
Many christians believe that they have a moral obligation to tithe a portion of their money because they believe everything they have is God's, a gift from God, and that it is only right to give some back to God for his kingdom and trust in His providence that they will be okay.
Our fertility is a gift from God, so why don't we trust God in the same way with that, as we do with money?
“And as for you, be fruitful and multiply; Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it” (Genesis 9:7).
“Behold, children are a gift of the LORD; The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, When they speak with their enemies in the gate” (Psalms 127:5).
If we trust God completely, then how many children we want is irrelevant, because only God knows what is best for us. Maybe a better question is "Do I have a really serious reason to NOT have children?"
And besides, do you think very many people go to their death bed wishing they had had fewer children?
Children are blessings and our greatest and highest calling is to be a mother to them, even when the world is trying to convince us otherwise.
God bless in your discernment.
Posted by: paige | November 8, 2005 4:19 PM
As someone who has not been able to have children of my own..YET.. I get envious and frustrated with people who seem to get pregnant every time a look is passed. I have not let my infertility problems keep me down though. We just saw it as God allowing us to open our hearts and homes through adoption and foster parenting. We have been down the road of trying to prevent having children and now have been convicted to repent of this as we desperately long for a baby.
I don't know what a hard pregnancy and delivery is like. I have never been put on bed rest waiting for my special little person to arrive, but the trials I have gone through have always had meaning. They have always been used to draw me closer to God and teach me how to rely on Him.
I don't know how many children is too many. I know that the Bible says that children are a blessing and we are blessed to have a quiverfull of them. For some that might mean two for others 12 or 13. I guess I am in the camp that says God should plan your family..but as we see in Barbara's testimony He can do that even when we don't want Him to.. :) Its a decision that you and your husband have to make. I would just advise to go to the Lord and seek His will.
I would love to be pregnant..and believe that someday I will be. Maybe you could think back to the times you were sick and in pain during your pregnancy, did God use those times to speak to you? When you are up all night with a child does God use those late hours to talk to you? I have noticed that when I am up with one of "my" children in the early dawn hours that my heart seems to be more sensitive to the voice of God. Ok, I think I've said enough. My Dh and I are letting God plan our family, but we sure don't condemn anyone else for having a different belief! I hope I said everything right. I meant no offense to anyone and hope you all can read this with the love I have tried to display.
Posted by: Julie | November 8, 2005 7:37 PM
I just like my children. They really are cool. So...we keep on having them. It's hard to stop, with each one being so neat. I mean, if we stop, then WHO will we be missing out on????? Not only us, but who will the world miss out on?
CS Lewis had some powerful words to say about contraceptives toward the end of his book, "The Abolition of Man." Sure is good food for thought. We're so conditioned today to think of birth control as normal. I'm certainly not suggesting that there are times for family planning, sometimes even life and death reasons...but in general, we Christians trust more in Planned Parenthood's mantras than we do in Psalm 127. And that, my friends, is not a good thing. :(
Posted by: molly | November 9, 2005 1:46 AM
I agree with the above posts. My husband and I now wish we had started our family much sooner rather than later. God surprised us with an extra blessing 3 years ago. But I do believe God has everything in His control. Maybe three children was all I was called to have. I know I have trouble keeping up with things just the way they are. But both my husband and I love large families. Time seems to slip away before you realize what is important in life sometimes. I am one to say that possibly culture has things mixed up. This will cause a small tremor, but I have come to believe in the old way of doing things...marrying young and for life. Teens are ready to have sex. Teen men are at their prime and are sexually driven. Why do we tell young people to wait, wait, wait...go to college and then have a family? I think society has gotten things turned around regarding what is important. Please forgive me if you do not agree, but I wanted to throw that out as food for thought. Love, Jeani
Posted by: Jeani | November 9, 2005 5:05 PM
i'm with you Jeani. Esp about the marrying young part. Oh, that I had started earlier! I didn't start until my mid-30s; we have 2 super kids. I was so fearful of children, raising eternal souls...Fear is one lousy reason not to have children. Jesus has proved Himself so trustworthy as we raise them.
Posted by: floorplan | November 9, 2005 6:10 PM
I would like to represent another camp on this topic. I don't think that determining your family size and then taking safe precautions against it is a bad thing. We have children and love them more than life! We even have more children than I had originally wanted. But my husband and I agree that we now have the right number of children for our family. And yes, God can change our hearts or even to cause us to conceive... But we're not seeking to have more children.
I think we need to notice when things are in scripture and when they are not. Scripture does not prohibit contraception. Christians do have to be wise about the methods we choose, though. Christians can have these "causes" (for lack of know the perfect word here) that we get very excited about. They're good things, but it's not the central thing. God calls us all to love Him with our whole lives and to love others. He doesn't call everyone to have a big family or be foreign missionaries or to homeschool or to go to college, etc. We have different giftings. It is a beautiful thing when you see a couple who is gifted and burdened to have a lot of children. Those large families just radiate God's love and beauty. But not all are called to that. I've seen ladies have more children against their husband's wishes - it can be devastating. So listen to Barbara when she says to not act against your husband's wishes.
In Genesis when it says to be fruitful and multiply, it also says to cultivate the land. No one thinks that you should cultivate all the land you possibly can, etc. I believe there is an element of stewardship involved. Not all of us have the finances, time, health or abilities to train and provide for several children. And again, since these are the ultimate responsibility of the husband, wives should really care about his wishes on the matter.
Thanks so much for letting me voice my thoughts. God will let you all know what to do on the matter! God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him!
Posted by: Grateful Christian | April 9, 2007 1:55 PM
