January 25, 2006 9:33 PM
For moms who need a fresh start
From an email I received:
How does a mom, who doesn't have what it takes to be a good mom, raise good kids?I'll explain...I am quite short on patience. I always have been. It's been one of those areas that I've spent many hours of prayer over and yet is anarea that I still struggle with daily. I struggle in a BIG way with PMS and/or depression/anxiety. We would like to have more kids, so I can't get on meds for those issues.
I read the first three pages of "How To Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too" and gave up when I read, "Stay calm when your child is testing you orpushing your button; anger only gets in the way. Be patient." If always being patient, never yelling, always maintaining your cool, always being able to see things from your child's POV, always letting your kids help, even when your fuse is short, is what it takes to be a good mom and raise good kids, then I'm going to fail.
And Barbara, I promise, it's not that I don't want to do these things. I do! I want desperately to be a good mom. I want to raise self-suffient children. I want to provide a loving, warm atmosphere and always bolster their self esteem. But my four year old whines and cries A LOT and frankly, it drives me nuts. Depending on how I'm feeling that day (i.e., time of the month), I either handle it pretty well or I just yell at her to get up to her room and not come down until she quits whining/crying. She gets so upset (I don't blame her) and then will ask questions like
"Mommy, do you love me even when I cry?" It makes me cry just to write this out.The one thing I think I do pretty well is apologize and ask for forgiveness when I've blown it. But I doubt that's enough.
So, I guess it all boils down to this: How can I teach my child something I don't know how to do myself? I'm horrible at maintaining a routine. I'm terrible at keeping the house picked up and decluttered. I do a lousy job of controlling my emotions and not yelling or crying when I'm frustrated. So how can I expect my child to maintain a routine, keep her room clean, and control her emotions?
Well, gosh, I feel like this is a question that deserves a book in reply - and you all know I'm working on something right now, but when I hear the desperation - and remember the desperation I felt when I came to grips in 1980 with what an inadeqate mother I was - I feel like I've got to at least put together a few ideas. And then throw it open to my readers.
I sent this very brief reply:
I so appreciate your honesty and I hear your desperation. My guess is that you didn't have very good mothering yourself. Is that right? Because I think for those of us who lacked nurturing, loving moms it doesn't come easy to us to be nurturing and loving ourselves.
Once I got real with myself - as you have done - what I did was try to become the mother I wished I had had. That kept me focused on doing the right thing. I watched other mothers with their children to learn what good mothering looked like. I learned to forgive myself and I learned when I blew it to pick myself up and start again rather than going down the black hole of despair.
I'm going to be really honest here. You have to stop defining yourself by your limitations and saying you can't do this. You need to make a decision.
Are you a believer? I'm asking because that is the thing that will pull you through. That is what helps you heal from the past and gives you a sense of purpose. With God, all things are possible. Really.
I was a horrible mother for many years before I made a conscious decision to become the mother I needed to be so my kids would grow up with good memories, a feeling of safety and security.
Tell you what, I'm going to publish a few snippets from your letter (anonymously) with a few suggestions from me and an invitation for others to contribute. A lot of time the input from my readers is better than mine :)
Keep trying. Don't give up. it's a process. As you are helping your kids reach their potential, God is helping you reach yours. The first step is an honest assessment of where you are. The second is a desire to do better. The third would be to trust God to help you do it.
Love,
Barbara
The next three blog entries will be follow-ups to this. And I'm hoping for some good inspiring comments from all of you.
Posted in Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I can really identify with this lady's struggle. I frequently feel similarly myself - what I find helps me get a sense of ...perspective, or maybe I should call it mercy is to try to look at that whining child as Jesus looks at me. He forgives so much in me, how can I not be equally forgiving of this little person. That amount of time spent thinking (maybe 30 seconds in real time) and the grace of God gives me the space from my emotional response and allows me to do unto that little one as my Saviour does to me. I am a relatively new Christian, so I have to work hard at it - I can't say that I do it every time, but it is getting easier. Please know that you are not alone.
Posted by: teresa | January 25, 2006 10:17 PM
Dear Struggling Mom,
I feel your pain. I can SO relate.
I became a mother 5 1/2 years ago. (I've had one more child since then and am expecting our third in 3 months.) I knew motherhood would be an adjustment, but because I'm a relatively adaptable human being and because I helped care for my baby brother (who was born when I was 13), I assumed having my own children would be a manageable task. I cannot fully express in words how motherhood has turned my world totally upside down.
It feels like I have been in a constant battle from the get-go—mainly with myself. I'm easily overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting and I often find myself groping for good solutions to problems that arise on a daily basis. Half the time I feel like I'm totally winging it. And I've spent many nights mentally beating myself up over the things I've done which I'm certain will scar my kids for life! :)
Sometime during this last year, I experienced an epiphany of sorts. What I realized is that I was simply overwhelmed by the vast array of variables present when it comes to raising kids. For example, kids are all different so what works with one might not work with another, there is a seemingly endless number of details that have to be taken care of with regards to the kids, the house, my life, etc. and to top it all off, I have my own set of ideas about how I should be or could be as a mother (which of course, I never live up to). It got to the point where I felt so overwhelmed by the task, I had no idea how to tackle it.
Then I read a book called Parenting Without Perfection: Being a Kingdom Influence in a Toxic World by David John Seel, Jr. He is mainly writing to parents of teens, however I thought his basic points were applicable to any parent. In the last part of the book, he outlines 10 Priorities of Christian Parenting. He says, "The ten priorities for us as parents are:
1. To be apprentices of Jesus.
2. To live our life with integrity for that which matters...
10. To pray for our child as our first responsibility.
I highlight these three points because I found them to be particularly helpful. Instead of scrambling and striving to do all "the right things" as a parent, the book has challenged me to put the bulk of my focus on my own personal relationship with Christ...and to let good parenting flow out of that. After all, if I'm more like Christ as an individual, I will be more like Christ as a parent. And that's really what I want. God bless you!
Posted by: Amy | January 25, 2006 11:12 PM
I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY recommend the book "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr Laura Schlessenger.
I had questions about the impact I was having in my childrens lives (and unresolved issues about my own childhood) and this book opened up my eyes BIG TIME.
Posted by: paigeu | January 25, 2006 11:21 PM
Just wanted to add:
Please reconsider asking your children to forgive you. Admit wrong doing (with absolutaly NO "buts") and tell them they are justified in being angry. Asking a child to forgive a parent is like asking them to parent you. I had a weak and needy parent and it was draining. I often had to supress my own anger so I could make HER feel better about what she did. I have since figured out that I had no responsibility to make her feel better about herself, and it has been a relief because I suffered a lot of guilt my whole life over all her emotional pain.
I am not a great parent either, but after reading the book I recommended (and thanks to Barbs blog and some others) I have a very clear picture on what it really means to be a caring parent. It is suprisingly differen than how I was parented, and how I thought I should parent.
Posted by: Paigeu | January 25, 2006 11:35 PM
Dear Anonymous,
You have exactly what it takes to be a good mom to your child- and that's why God gave her to you! He knows your weaknesses and chose to bless you with her anyway. You are growing even as she grows. Don't dwell on your mistakes- yes, do tell your daughter you were wrong, but move on. Count your blessings, literally, instead.
A song I sang as a child comes to mind:
He's still workin' on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars,
the Sun and Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be,
'Cause He's still workin' on me.
It's true for adults too!
Posted by: gendifrank | January 26, 2006 12:07 AM
Dear Anonymous,
I will be praying for you.
I think my advice would be to try to choose one area to work on and then really pay attention to each small accomplishment!! Pray for the strength to follow through on your resolution each day. Don't try to make sweeping changes.
Also remember, as others have said, YOU are God's precious daughter, as your daughter is precious to you. If you Pray a quick prayer of thanksgiving everytime you recognize a Blessing from God, you will find that a lot of those Blessings are coming from your children! Thank God for the house, messy as it is, many moms would give anything for a roof. Thank Him while you do the dishes because you have been able to feed your family. And yes, I actually do this, thank Him for the crying and whining, because so many children can't cry and whine. It means your child is healthy, not sitting in a hospital or unable to communicate, as many, many children are! I know it sounds trite but if you can do just a little bit more everyday, really, you will become more focused on God and your depression will have a harder time taking hold. I did have to deal with this years ago, as a young mom.
Also, daughters can be very perceptive and can be experts at making you feel worse than you really are. Not that your daughter is trying to make you feel guilty...
You will be in my prayers!
Posted by: Jennifer | January 26, 2006 8:14 AM
Dear Anonymous:
I read your post last night before bed and I woke up extra early today so I would have time to share with you an array of feelings I felt as I was reading your post. Let me begin by saying that I will aproach my comment as the daughter of a never patient, always irritable, over worked mother.
The memories I have of my mother are bittersweet. Yes, she was always there, she sacrificed everything for us, she worked so hard each and every day...but we missed out in tenderness, cuddles, warmth, understanding, security and a bunch of other things, too many to list here. I resented my mother for so long until I realized the deep hurt and struggle she was in. Then I begun to change my attitude towards her and our relationship has improved 100% ever since.
You mention you are not pacient at all; why? what weight is your heart carrying? I have come to realize that you cannot give what you don't have so, are you okay? Not you as part of a relationship with others, but you alone. Are you okay? Are you nurtured? Are you understood? Are you safe? Are you rested? Are you secure? I feel in my own life that when ME is not doing well, ME doesn't do well with others either. Please take an inventory of your self, why you feel the way you do, why you react the way you do, what things get to you the most and why. Perhaps this will help you understand your reactions towards your daughter.
Is she the only one that makes you feel this way, or are there other people that bring this irritability out in you?
I believe really strong that peace, patience, goodness, love, and all the good and wonderful things in life flow out of a heart full of contentment. "Out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks"...so what's in your heart?
When I read your post last night I was blown away by your honesty; not a lot of mothers would recognize so bluntly the shortcomings and I applaud that you have because you can't change what you would not acknowledge, but now that you have acknowledged there is a problem do whatever it takes to make it better.
I really believe in the sovereignty of God; you are not a mother by accident! God brought you and your daughter together for a reason, for a purpose, and you have absolutely everything you need and whatever it takes to be a GREAT mother, you just don't know it yet.
I hope you can feel my arms around you, hugging you and telling you YOU CAN DO IT!
Posted by: Nilda Lovas | January 26, 2006 8:14 AM
I thank GOD the FATHER for this website. I have wanted to express these exact feelings for so long. To me, this is a miracle! Thank you for your honesty! There are many women who feel this way, but are ashamed to admit it. I'm one of them. Although, I love my children very much, it is quite difficult to accept that our children have their own feelings and thoughts about situations. This means that they are not going to always agree with our decisions. This is definitely frustrating, but I've learned to let children have their own opinion.
For many years, I've suffered from bipolar depression. I experience the exact same symptoms: short patience, irritability, yelling, crying spells, etc. Then I began searching the word of GOD which is soothing and healing. Praying is also a solution, but I found that reading the word of GOD teaches me exactly what to pray for and how to pray.
Again, I thank you for your testimony this is surely a form of love because you are helping a lot of people.
Posted by: Recie Lee Pritchett | January 26, 2006 4:49 PM
This is an area that I struggle with over and over again. The Lord is getting victory, but it has been a long haul and many days I still don't get it right. Here are some things that have helped me:
1. There is a chapter on anger in Teri Maxwell's book, Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit. She has 2 great ideas. One is that kids are supposed to be imperfect. Otherwise, we wouldn't have a job as a mom. Expect that your daughter is going to misbehave every day. That's your ministry. Secondly, she says that policemen don't get mad. They give tickets.
2. So, have a plan in place for when your daughter whines. Going to her room is not a bad option. But send her before you are angry. Say, 10 minutes sitting on your bed time whenever you whine. Or, no desserts on days that you aren't being sweet (whining). Or whatever punishment you want. Just be consistent and do it before you get angry.
3. From raisinggodlytomatoes.com, I learned that ANGER IS NOT AN OPTION. I keep repeating that to myself throughout the day. So, if anger is really not an option, what is?
4. Keep track of those PMS days. For me, just looking at the calendar helps because I know there is a reason that I feel so crazy today and that reason will be gone soon.
5. Exercise is helpful to me along with lots of fresh air. Both are helpful for the depression/impatience.
Take care. Know that you aren't the only one who has problems, but we also have to admit that it isn't acceptable. We have to learn to hate our selfishness and really embrace the ministry that God has given us (and I do mean WE because I'm right there too).
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy | January 26, 2006 5:28 PM
