January 19, 2006 8:27 AM
Mothers in the hands of a merciful God
I use time in doctors' offices to read magazines I wouldn't ever see. So, yes, I know all about Britney and Don and Jessica and Nick and Paris and her animal collection. I mean, between all my kids I DO spend a lot of time in doctors' offices!
But last week I picked up an issue of Vogue - which you don't often find in doctors' offices and which I used to read religiously back in my more glamorous days - and came across something so interesting I grabbed my notebook from my purse (if you write, you must make sure you always have a notebook!) and jotted down some notes to share with you. Good thing, too, because the article that got my attention is not online.
It was a piece called "Father's Day" by Tamasin Day-Lewis. If you recognize that name, it's because, yes, she is the sister of Daniel Day-Lewis, the amazing actor from My Left Foot and Last of the Mohicans - both I consider must-see films, if you can handle a lot of bad language by a quadriplegic in the first and a lot of violence by Indians in the second.
I had never heard of Tamasin, but she is a journalist and both she and Daniel are children of Cecil Day-Lewis, a British poet-laureate who died in 1972. What caught my eye was this piece of his poetry which was published posthumously:
Children Leaving HomeForgive my coldness, now past recall,
Angers, injustice, moods contrary, mean or blind;
And best, my dears, forgive
Yourselves, when I am gone, for all
Love signals you ignored and for the fugitive
Openings you never took into my mind.
Whew. I know a lot of moms reading this are way too young for this to resonate - unless it resonates in regard to your own parents. This is a whole different phase of motherhood - although I'm still happily mired in the younger years with six kids 5-16. For all the writing available about bringing up younger kids, I just don't know that there's much about watching kids leave home.
I had an email this morning from an old friend in California who dropped off her youngest son at a New York college this weekend. She was probably the most supportive sports mom I know - at every football game for years and years (and for 20 years she’s run the Pregnancy Resource Center in her town, saving hundreds of babies from abortion). Her son won a football scholarship which will see him through school. She's proud, but she confessed she still hasn't stopped crying. Even when they leave in the best of circumstances, there is so much sadness. Of course this is what you prepared them for - to be independent - but is it even possible to be prepared ourselves?
I can look at my children and see something like a slideshow of how they’ve looked over the years. Hear their little voices singing hymns with me each morning. Do you know what I mean? I wonder what each of them sees when they look at me, for each has his or her own set of memories about me and each feels and responds differently to who I am. That's a mystery I cannot solve.
And so what struck me wasn't just her father's poem, but Tamasin's comments:
"One stanza particularly stands out and has always made my brother angry sensing that our father was putting us at fault and blaming us for not getting to know him properly."I don't read it like that; I see it more as a valedictory, a blessing, an understanding of the places a child's mind cannot reach but shouldn't feel guilty about. It stands with the photograph [on which the article is based] as the way I wish to remember the most influential man in my life, my father."
Even if we've been terrific parents, some of our children may grow up to misunderstand and misjudge us. They may spend the rest of their lives denying our influence, but we will see it anyway and know God sees it too. Parenthood is really a matter between you and God anyway, because it is part of our stewardship. Our children are not our children, but God's children given to us for a brief span to prepare them for the rest of their lives.
Will we make mistakes? Of course we will. Think how young and inexperienced we were when we started! God doesn't call the equipped - he equips those he calls. And just like the all-too-human characters in the Bible, we will live lives filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly. The important thing is to be like David – humble and teachable and quick to repent – rather than like Saul. To not expect perfection from ourselves – because only God is perfect – but to lean on him to reveal how we can become more like him each day.
Parenting isn't just about us helping our kids reach their potential - it's about God helping us reach ours. All of God's children have free will - even those with whom he walked in the Garden of Eden. God will not judge us by results - how our kids turn out or how they feel about us.
“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
I don’t know about you, but I find that very reassuring!
Posted in Big families, Family, Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Encouraging words!
My hubby and I were SO young when we started ths family of ours--we were like babies! Sometimes I wish that I knew then what I know now, but you don't get to go back and do it all over again! I am blessed by the thought that I am covered by God's grace and that He is directing this family of ours!
Posted by: Randi | January 19, 2006 9:25 AM
Thanks so much for that commentary.
I am especially touched by the part about how young and inexperienced we were when we started! Add to that stubborn and spiritually unformed, in my case.
I have parented in "two lives". The first two children did not have the benefit of the stability of two capable parents. They are wonderful, beautiful girls but I feel such a sense of sorrow for the issues that they have to carry into life. Not guilt, just longing for resolution.
It gives me such gratitude for the rock solid stability that my little boys have in their lives.
I pray for the girls, I am very proud of them and I hope that they go forward, looking back on our "team effort" with a sense of accomplishment and the virtue of Fortitude.
Thanks so much for your very appropriate thoughts. You are such a Blessing to us Mommies!
Posted by: Jennifer | January 19, 2006 9:39 AM
thanks for that, Barbara.
Posted by: Monika | January 20, 2006 10:52 AM
Wow! what encouraging words! My oldest daughter had gotten married this summer(05) and we/I had our 9th child !! I can't stop crying and am sad often. None of my friends seem to understand and after 9 you should be glad to have one leave. I am not. I miss my daughter. I am glad that she is happy. I just didn't expect it to be like this. As you said our children belong to the Lord! I knew this is what we were raising our children to be mighty in spirit for the Lord in my head, it is just taking my heart time to catch up to the realities of it all.
I am so thankful the Lord looks at our hearts!, that his mercies are new every morning! What a great encouragement from the Lord and you!
Posted by: denise | January 23, 2006 9:02 PM
