March 31, 2006 7:57 PM
Parenting Q & A - Age gap in siblings
Sharron wrote:
I was wondering what advice or wisdom you may have concerning siblings with a wide gap of years between them. Our daughter(biological) Callie was 6 in October and we are waiting for a little girl from China. We should be traveling some time this summer, but we are still waiting for a referral. We know she will be two years old or younger, but that is all we know at this point. Callie is very excited and has been begging for a brother or sister since she was 2 or 3. She is an extremely generous child, but very bossy. She could make James Dobson cry!! I expect our biggest issues not to be over toys and things but over who is the boss. They will be sharing a room at least for a while because there is no choice at this point. We have our house on the market and are just waiting for God's timing on that. That's our situation. Any advice you have (or anyone else has) would be greatly appreciated.
My reply:
What wonderful news!It sounds like you are on the right track anticipating what may be the biggest problem. I know a similar situation with daughters born six years apart - their relationship today suffers because the younger one has issues with her older sister for being so domineering when they were young.
That doesn't mean it's like that for everyone, especially in a case like yours where you've thought this through and are going to be on the lookout. All I can say is try not to let Callie take on too much responsibility as with responsibility comes that feeling of being entitled to be bossy. Just let them be kids together - that's my best advice.
Love,
Barbara
Readers?
Posted in Adoption, Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
My kids are only 3 1/2 years apart but I do find myself having to remind my 4yo that he isn't the parent (even with his friends). We do expect a lot from him, I guess, he is a GREAT helper. I just try to remind him that is what he is, he is Mommy's great helper. But he isn't the parent. I think a 6 year old would be able to understand, it will probably just take a lot of reminding. :) Blessings, and congratulations on your adoption!
Posted by: Amie | April 1, 2006 7:45 AM
My eldest daughter was 8 1/2 when her sister was born. We weren't planning on having any more than one which is why the gap is so big*.
One thing I'm still amazed at is how much sibling rivalry there is between the two. They are now 11 (Olivia) and almost 3 (Portia) and if one of them is doing something then the other has to do it too. This is expecially the case with my toddler but I see the 11 year old elbow deep in the toddler toys as well. When Olivia does homework then I have to provide paper and a pencil for the little one to do homework as well. Fascinating.
However, they do get along wonderfully for sisters (I imagine. I'm an only child so I don't have a guideline). They don't fight often and Olivia is old enough to walk away and go someplace else when Portia is bugging her too much. Of course she'll follow her big sister but she can be diverted.
My main problem with the situation is Olivia trying to parent. (Except for changing the diapers. This I'd gladly except!) About once a week I have to remind her that I'm the mom and if I don't have a problem with her sister doing something then she shouldn't either. Unless Portia is in her room which we've allowed to be Off Limits or in her school work which is just as bad. Olivia gets it and she's not bossy. But she forgets. This isn't a constant problem, it's gotten a lot better now after three years. They do love to play together. Especially Lego! Portia is remarkably adept at working the little pieces now and doesn't play often with her chunky Duplo sets.
One thing people kept saying when I was pregnant was that I'd have a built in babysitter. No! I will not use my oldest child as a babysitter (beyond Portia being asleep and I have to run to the store around the corner for a few minutes - that's the most any 11 year old should be expected to handle I think). I don't think it's fair to expect an older child to watch the younger ones on a long term basis - that's my job. I think it places too much power on her to play the role of the parent. I want them to be kids for as long as possible instead of on hand servants when I need them (chores are different of course).
In my not so humble opinion, your six year old is old enough to understand the process of adopting and should be involved as much as possible in the decision making as her age allows (this is probably especially important as you'll be gaining a new family member *and* moving around the same time. That's a lot of adjusting to do): "What color should we paint the room? "Which blanket do you like better?" "Let's write a list of our favorite names!" That way she feels as much a part of it as she can. Another thing we did, and it may seem overwhelming to you at this point, is we went to the SPCA and picked out a dog for her. This is something she's in charge of and a special something to cuddle with while the rest of us were a bit preoccupied during the first few weeks of adjusting to the new baby. Try as we might it was impossible to give Olivia the attention she was used to having (she was the *only* grandchild on both sides of the family for over eight years) so her dog was a comfort to her.
Best of luck to you! Adoption is a wonderful blessing!
*What irks me the most is that because their ages are so different and they look almost nothing alike then people tend to think we're a step family.
Posted by: Spring | April 1, 2006 10:37 AM
