June 21, 2006 1:22 PM
My neighbors' response
I promised you my neighbor's response to my email about the group of boys at her house telling Jonny to go away when he walked and then rode his big wheel over to shoot baskets with them (which you can read here).
Let me set the stage better by explaining that we live in a rural area, though the pocket I live in is populated mostly by people who have moved here from more urban areas. Each of us has about six acres.
I have left out some specifics to protect their identity. I have already received emails from another neighbor who is upset that I would post this correspondence and telling me she's on my neighbor's side (are we in junior high school or are we adults? As Tripp always says to our children "It's not about who's right but what's right." I'm grateful he teaches them well). Plus Tripp got a phone call from the husband at work yesterday asking him to talk to me about not posting this.
In these contacts and all of the correspondence that follows, not one of the people involved expressed any concern for the effect on Jonny of being turned away by boys he goes to school with who he simply wanted to shoot hoops with. No one asked how he felt. No one cared how he felt. No one apologized for their child's behavior.
As Tripp told the boy's father when he got around to calling: “I don't think you would have even called about this if Barbara hadn't brought it out into the light as a parental teaching opportunity for her readers."
Tripp has it right. This isn't about vindication. It’s about advocating for kids with disabilities. And my desire to stir up some reflection about how parents respond to being told that their kid has done something wrong. My oldest daughters Samantha (36) and Jasmine (30) - both mothers of five - and I were talking about what happened this weekend and kind of tch-tching about how sad it is that modern parents seem to be more interested in defending and justifying their kids' behavior than in developing their character.
When people tell me my kids have done something mean or hurtful, I'm all over them - my kids, I mean. I am also big on teaching my children that everyone makes mistakes but that mistakes are learning opportunities. Every parent should be teaching their kids how to acknowledge mistakes and make amends - and it doesn't stop in the sandbox.
It is in that spirit of "what can we learn" that I am sharing this correspondence. Writers can only write from their experience, which stirs up ideas and thoughts about bigger principles. I am an advocate not just for my son but for all kids with disabilities. I also try to share the things I've learned from my daily life - including my own mistakes - with my readers. I have never tried to come off as perfect.
Here I think the correspondence speaks for itself. I asked you how you would feel and respond to an email like the one I wrote. How would you feel receiving this one in return? (This is long and may be of interest only to some readers, so those of you who want to continue will need to click the extended entry)
Dear Barbara and Tripp,My response:
______ and I received your email, and like the other emails you have sent to the community, it is apparent that you have gone to great lengths to choose your words carefully, as to not offend, but to clearly state your position on particular matters.
Over the years, you have shared a great deal about yourself in this format, and while _____ & I are your neighbors, I believe you do not have nearly the familiarity with us that we have with you, as we are relatively private people.
With that in mind, I want to share my professional background with you. I have both public and private school special education teaching experience- inpatient, day treatment and acute care, working with a variety of individuals. Many of my students have had emotional issues, learning disabilities, mild retardation, autism, aspergers, ADHD and varying levels of support or lack of support from their families. My master’s degree is in school counseling. I share this to give you an awareness as to my perspective, which while different from your own, is where I am.
While it may seem to you that no one other than ___________ has reached out to you [I think she means to Jonny as she mentions a boy who has come over to play with Jonny], I would say that every individual’s day-to-day life and their motivations are a mystery, unless you walk in their shoes, or they chose to disclose it.
We are blessed with __ beautiful, sensitive [children]. They get along get – they bicker, as siblings do. ______, in particular has always been sensitive. And this is probably why we’ve had so many conversations with him about Jonny.
Generally, these have been of an informational nature. You asked me once if your noise level bothered us [because Jonny likes to sing operatically – but do keep in mind our houses are very far apart because of the acreage]. Truly, it doesn’t. However, it has prompted conversations about Jonny, since he is primarily the one we hear and see in your driveway. He’s very exuberant, and watching him with a cape around his neck, having the time of his life, is a joy, and leads me to the belief that the theater was a wise interest to nurture.
We’ve talked about the nature of his disability. Both of my boys had a kindergarten teacher that has a mentally retarded son. He spent some time in their classroom, and they’ve seen him on numerous occasions over the years.
We have friends through _____’s business that brought their children to spend the day. Their son has _________. This too prompted a discussion about differences, tolerance, acceptance, etc.
Your email leads me to believe that you’re seeking an ideal solution that to an imperfect problem, which simply may not be realistic.
More perspective: The family that lived in your house before you had a very spirited, unsupervised son, named __________. He would call out to ______ every time we were in the yard. If ______ saw us returning home, he would run up our driveway and be on our porch before my car was parked. Boundaries were an enormous issue, and in total candor being involuntarily placed into a supervisory capacity, not of my own choosing, was a significant imposition.
As a 13 year old boy, _________ has struggled with how to respond to Jonny. We have discussed concerns over the bus driver allowing another child to take him into Valley [High School] to use the bathroom. More concerning are the occasions when he’s had accidents on the bus. We have a zero tolerance policy for teasing, but it is difficult for the kids on the bus to know how to respond when there’s no one there modeling it for them. (That’s not the drivers job.) I’m sure Jonny misses having his siblings on the bus at these times, if not always.
I don’t bring up these difficult moments to embarrass you or him. My point is that while close in age, ______, _______, __________, ________ and _______ are in a very different developmental place than Jonny. If they were older, they might be more mature and able to be the role models we know they will become. If they had physical boundaries and could include him without concern that it would become a daily opportunity for them to monitor and socialize him, they would more likely be able to rise to the occasion.
With past experiences being their best predicator (at this age) of possible outcomes, I believe they don’t currently possess the skills to include him with limitations. It is also unrealistic and inappropriate for you to accompany him.
More perspective: My younger son went to join the boys playing football in ____________ the other day. He came home telling me that they were using some bad language. I always tell my boys to consider their audience. What their friends/peers won’t find offensive, their mothers/teachers might. It was a very mature realization on the part of my 10 year old to know that he didn’t belong with 13 & 14 year olds at that time and place. Would Jonny be able to make that same call, or would he repeat inappropriate language/slang, which would bring a new concern to the surface?
I am very pleased that Jonny has been welcomed into structured activities such as Scouts and the theater groups. Those are wonderful opportunities for him and the people he touches. The difference between those situations and my yard is the complete lack of structure and supervision, as well as the fact that you’re asking me to structure _______'s leisure time to meet someone else’s needs. While that may seem a reasonable request, from __________’s perspective, he has always been encouraged to make friends and include everyone, but ultimately the decisions about who he chooses to spend his free time with have largely been his own, as is appropriate for a boy his age.
You quote studies and movies to me. I am well read and could speak to you from professional experience about the dynamics of middle school relationships, which are particularly difficult for girls. I am aware of 2 other incidents within our neighborhood, where parents have attempted to build relationships between children who didn’t share the same enthusiasm for each other. This is not a problem unique to individuals with disabilities. It is a life lesson about choices, opportunities, and compassion.
Finally, the boys and I saw __________ at your house one day. It prompted a discussion about how kind he was being to Jonny. When _______ came home with his yearbook, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Jonny had signed it. While these may seem like small things, they are being recognized and addressed naturally, and in context. That is an appropriate progression.
Sadly, Barbara, I don’t have the quick fix to this situation. We all want the same things for our children – health, happiness, and friends. We will continue to parent our boys with the most genuine effort to accept and welcome the many different people they will encounter, through school, sports and play. Ultimately they will make their own choices, and I fully expect we’ll be proud. This is something that will have to evolve, not happen over night.
Sincerely,
Dear __________ - I appreciate your response and knowing more about you.
I do think you misread me, though. I wasn't asking as much as you seem to think I was. I wasn't expecting quick fixes or anyone to assume responsibility they didn't want to have. I wasn't asking anyone to force relationships. I just didn't know what to do.
I will just tell Jonny not to go over anymore.
I am sorry for the incidents on the bus. They break my heart. In addition to Down syndrome, unfortunately Jonny has Hirschprung's disease which required a colostomy when he was a baby and reconstruction of his bowel. For what he's been through, he has amazing control, but unfortunately sometimes it isn't perfect. Believe me these things over which we have no control make me feel hopeless and heartbroken.
Sincerely,
Barbara
So, there you have it. I simply drew attention to a prejudiced reaction from a young teenage boy toward a boy with Down syndrome who’s lived in the same neighborhood and gone to the same school and ridden the same bus for three years.
In response, the mother informs me she has an advanced degree and experience in the field of Special Ed (!) - something she never mentioned before as though that gives her some kind of gravitas in a situation that simply requires some common sense and compassion.
She presumes that I am asking for more than I am. Instead of simply addressing the immediate problem, she seems worried that encouraging her son to be kind and compassionate to Jonny might lead to more than one visit - so it's easier I guess to leave the line where her son has drawn it. (I remember with fondness a little girl in California who had a similar pattern of waiting for our family to come home for the fun to begin. I never felt resentful about her, just happy that someone found our family so appealing :)
Then the final kick in the teeth: reminding me of painfully embarrassing moments on the bus - as if to let me know how far removed my child is from the realm of the "normal" boys who told him to go away rather than letting him shoot a few baskets with them. (Jonny's been shooting baskets every day in our driveway - except when his dad or brothers are home to join him - he's been very motivated to get better and be one of the guys)
The whole thing seems weird to me. Usually when I meet someone with experience working with kids with special needs, they tell me. Did she purposely refrain, thinking I would take advantage of her by foisting my responsibility for Jonny off on her? Just weird.
The odd thing too is the characterization of one of her sons as sensitive - the same son who left a message on our phone several months ago apologizing for making fun of Jonny on the bus because knowing him made him realize how fortunate he was (to be normal, I presume). I remember once Maddy coming home crying because this boy and his friend had made fun of her on the bus (and Maddy isn't a victim sort of girl). And Sophia - who is in 10th grade - characterized this boy his mother sees as "sensitive" as "mean."
The father's conversation with Tripp was not about making things right but about protecting their family’s image. He suggested we get together and talk. But frankly, I resent that they had absolutely no intention of getting together and talking or working through this - until a neighbor spotted it on my blog.
Still, not a word of concern for Jonny's feelings. Much less an apology.
Tripp wrote back:
Dear ______:It really boils down to this: All we expected was an apology for Jonny being so rudely and overtly rejected. It would have opened the door for all kinds of possibilities for healthy discussion and relationship between us. Instead, we received justification for behavior we wouldn't tolerate from our own children.
Barbara certainly did not come across as an upset "Mama Bear," but with heart in hand, looking for a concerned response. You spoke to me about us not having a Christian response.....How do you rate yours?
Our oldest at home daughter, Sophia, who has been riding the bus up until a month and a half ago, has characterized your son's behavior on the bus as "mean."...I understand that kids do and say hurtful things, that's part of life and we can't control everything.....but to not at the least get an apology for something so overt, to justify it, and then shrug it off with the attitude that they are doing the best they can for their age is wrong.
I think you missed an opportunity. I also don't think you would have even called about this if Barbara hadn't brought it out into the light as a parental teaching opportunity for her readers. You said it seems slanted to our point of view and sets it up to make your response seem negative. I disagree....it is her forum and the words are those [the two mothers] wrote. You also said she didn't include the part where you called about Jonny in the storm.....she told me she would put that in, if you think it makes the picture more complete.
You and I have had cordial relations since we moved in. When your [kids] have come by with their fundraisers we have helped out. We have been cordial to _____ in spite of his words to Maddy & Jonny. We certainly appreciate you calling about Jonny being out in the lightning storm. We also appreciate the effort and expense you have incurred regarding the HOA/ development next door. But I do not appreciate the way you've handled this.
We could get together and talk if you like...but frankly, I think the damage is done. We'll tell our children to stay away from your property. We won't infringe on your boundaries. Just tell your sons not to be mean to my kids.
Tripp
Another email to Tripp from the dad today concerning further correspondence but wanting Tripp to agree that it would remain confidential. Tripp responded that still no one had apologized or shown any concern for Jonny or his feelings. When the dad wrote back to Tripp to say he’d wait to hear from him, he STILL did not say anything conciliatory about Jonny.
Amazing.
Tripp said he’s finished as we are obviously on two completely different wavelengths. I’ll tell you one thing: Though I don’t lose respect for people who make mistakes, I lost it big time for people who can’t admit they’ve made mistakes.
The only thing that transmutes my contempt into compassion is reminding myself that while Jonny’s disabilities are out there for everyone to see, some people have emotional disabilities that only surface under pressure. Still, my compassion doesn’t mean I have to knock myself out to make things all right for them.
So, now you know the rest of the story. I do hope it helps someone in a similar situation – on either side of the fence – handle things better than they were handled here.
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Comments
Wow....wow....wow. I am not even sure what to say. Am I to understand that these people claim to be believers? I am so, so sorry Barbara. If you ever move to TX, my kids would love to play with Jonny : )
Posted by: Kelli | June 21, 2006 3:24 PM
I'm sitting here dumbfounded, with tears in my eyes. I don't understand this at all. As a parent, I can think of few things MORE important that bending over backwards to encourage compassion from my children. I will go out of my to expose them to situations that stretch them, that force them to understand there are people different from them who deserve our kindness and understanding (the same kind Christ gave us!)
Barbara, I don't know what else to say except that I'm so sorry this has happened to your family.
Posted by: Shannon @ Rocks in my Dryer | June 21, 2006 5:19 PM
Kelli -
I would not say they are believers in the way you and I are believers. They attend - don't know how often - a mainline Protestant denomination church, but would probably find the talk they would hear at mine rather embarrassing.
The dad only used the accusation of "not the Christian way to handle it" as a club the way people do with Christians. You know, as in "and you call yourself a Christian?"
BTW: I have deleted two comments on this post because they were made from bogus email addresses. I do not print anonymous comments.
Posted by: barbara | June 21, 2006 5:56 PM
Dear Barabara,
How sorry I am that you have received such a disappointing response. As the mother of a prodigal child (a spiritual disability--however, he also has Tourette's Syndrome and suffered through school with learning disabilities and OCD)...I understand your position very well. While we do not have control over other's response--what you have done--is shown your children that you are on their side--relentlessly! You are making their world safer which is a huge process considering how unsafe the world has become. People justify instead of apologize. People use circular thinking instead of hitting the nail on the head. People are so self-serving they believe their elitist attitude. It is important that our children experience unconditional love and support, if only in one place in this world--their home.
I have learned that it is necessary to advocate for our children--especially those whose struggles are visible. So many parents wear masks of perfection that it is no longer a rule that our neighbors are concerned for the best interest of all children. Good for you and your husband for tackling this issue head on. While this family may feel you do not know them, their actions and their words speak volumes to who they really are. Thankfully--yours do too!
Posted by: Diane | June 21, 2006 6:47 PM
I have a little boy with down syndrome too and I felt sick and angry as I read your first posting on this. I think your response was very good--much more gracious and mature than mine might have been. I think I would have come unglued on those boys. And if anyone informed me that my own children had behaved cruelly to anyone I would have been very angry and ashamed of them and there would have been discussion of the situation and age appropriate consequences as well.
Good grief--at 13 they are young adults for crying out loud and ought to know better than to behave like that. It reflects poorly on those parents.
Setting boundaries is one thing and being just plain mean is another. I cannot believe these people cannot see that, especially with her professional background. I'm just floored by this whole thing.
Please give Jonny a big hug from our family. (I've been keeping them posted as the story unfolds--our children are horrified)
take care
Posted by: Maggie | June 21, 2006 8:46 PM
[Note from Barbara: although I ordinarily do not publish comments with bogus names and email addresses, I will publish this one as it is obviously written by a friend of my neighbors. The dead giveaway is that she identified the location of the neighbor, which I had not mentioned in order to refrain from identifying them directly. Notice still no thought about Jonny's feelings. It's as if to these people he is not a human being at all!]
Sorry for disagreeing with the responses you've shown so far to your problems with your neighbors, but I don't think they are so "mean" or hurtful as you say they are. You say the day Jonny went to ask them to play that you could not hear what they said but that you "thought" they told him to go home. Do you know that for sure? And in what way they might have told him? They might have said quite politely that they had enough players for the game they were playing and they didn't need an extra player. They may have been quite nice. And whether they didn't want him to play with them at that time or not, is'nt that their choice? My kids certainly don't always want to play with all kids in the neighborhood at all times. Maybe they were uncomfortable playing a sport with him because they were having fun with the game they were doing right then, and that might have changed the whole game. To make them stop and change gears would not have been fair. And then you said you heard them say "we won't help you" but how, if you live on 6 acres could you have heard that for sure. If you are correct, that wasn't nice at all but part of being a kid in a "normal" world is to hear not so nice things all the time. But again, I'm not sure you could have heard that being so far apart. Also, how do you know it was the son of these neighbors? Weren't there several kids there? Why should they apologize when you're not even sure their son said anything? Finally, you mention that they warned you that your son was out in a "storm"(?!). Where were you? You also said they were very neighborly with other things in the neighborhood, like a development of some kind next door, and at all other times since you've known them so it sounds like you've made something out of nothing and kind of blown this out of proportion. They sound like good people and I think you may want to rethink this whole thing and not ruin your home life, as these people live next door to you. Remember "turn the other cheek" and "forgive and forget" instead of ranting and raving about a situation that you were not even present at and therefore are no authority on. I will check your website for your response, if any. Because I am not a public website, please do not email me directly.
Thanks,
Anne.
Posted by: Anne | June 21, 2006 9:08 PM
My goodness, what a difficult and sad experience for your family.Thank you for a salutory reminder to us all.
It reminded me of an experience my son had at camp when he was 10 years old. He came home devastated because he had wet himself in the night. He tried to conceal it, but one of his tent mates discovered what had happened and found it amusing to tell everyone later that day when they were all having lunch. They all laughed, the tent leader didn't deal with it very firmly and my son was utterly humiliated. I phoned the boys mother, in some trepidation, thinking she may respond with defensiveness. Like you, I felt she ought to know, as I would, in order to teach her son about the consequences of his insensitivity. To my delight, she was really excellent. She understood exactly how sad I felt about it, and she was pained on my sons behalf. Without a trace of pride or defensiveness she apologised, and assured me that she would deal with it very swiftly. Within a few days, my son recieved a wonderful letter from this boy expressing deep contrition and asking forgiveness. The acknowledgment of the wrong helped my son so much, and it was also a lesson for him, and me, about the healing that an apology, sincerely offered, brings. It is always better to be humble about our shortcomings. As a post script, my son and this boys friendship grew. They moved ( to the US) but stayed in touch by email. In a few weeks he is visiting London with his sister and they are coming to stay over with us. He really is a fine boy, he just made a clumsy error and he had the grace to apologise. It made us think so much more highly of him.
It is so disappointing to find that our children can be mean and unkind, but really, it is an opportunity to show them that there is a more excellent way. Thank you for the reminder.
Posted by: Clare | June 21, 2006 9:09 PM
Barbara,
I am truly sorry for what has happened to your family. I don't have a child with disablities but try to teach my boys that all are worthy of our love and admiration. I am afriad that your situation isn't unique, my husband is a police officier and see parents who enable if not condone misbehavior all the time. When he brings many youth home after an offences whether minor or serious, he is more often than not met by parents who can't believe that their child is guilty, instead of dealing with it appropriately. Unfortunately, most often, over time the child gets worse not better.
I pray daily that I will not let my love and devotion to my boys cloud the truth of who and what they are, sinful humans just like their mom, in need of discipline and direction.
Posted by: bear | June 21, 2006 9:29 PM
Mrs. Curtis,
I wanted to let you know I wrote a little something on my blog about this. I found a quote that I liked and thought I would share with you. I should say just for the record that I don't think that the emails should have been put up on your site but it is your site. You can do what you wish. A few years ago I asked forgiveness from my family member for being unkind to her. She told me that she shared my emails with her Bible study group to make sure that I was being hurtful, that she was not imagining it. That hurt me greatly as how can one trust another person when they violate the trust that they assume is there. Maybe I am being too immature but it still hurt.
Granted, your probably told your neighbor that her letter would be put up on your site. But anyway, I wanted to share the quote with you since I know you like quotes.
During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. "Absolutely," the professor said. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~Joann C. Jones
And here is one that I really liked too:
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain
I want you to know as well that while I disagree with the methods, I think you were the better person here. One could only hope for a momma who cares as much as you do about your Jonny.
Mrs. DMG
Posted by: Mrs. DMG | June 21, 2006 10:29 PM
I think your neighbour's behaviour was appalling. I'm nineteen and do not have children of my own yet; I hope that when I do I will be strong enough not to let them behave so badly toward another human being. However, I would want to speak to the parents of a disabled child about any special food needs etc. and how to deal with incidents like incontinence.
Posted by: scotsgirl | June 22, 2006 10:02 AM
[I have both public and private school special education teaching experience-]Frankly, I think this statement explains all of your neighbor's behaviors.
Based on research done by Pavlov and on the behavioralistic philosophies of BF Skinner, educational specialists have overwhelmingly discarded the Biblical view of man.
Special Ed teachers, in particular, are taught to "condition" children to behave appropriately by rewarding good behavior.
Without having carefully considered the conflicting views of man and holding on to the truth of the inherent value of people, these teachers (most of whom entered the profession because of their love of humans and a desire to help) are taught to view humans as less than humans. Believing that man was created in the very image of God and possesses inate dignity has been discarded by ideas that man is a machine or an evolved animal.
My daughter is not in school because of the behavioral philosophies embraced by the special education departments in our public school systems. Ideas have consequences. The idea that man can be trained like an animal, that bad behavior is a result of poor conditioning (versus a fallen nature) lead to a complete devaluation of the individual.
Posted by: Julie | June 22, 2006 2:18 PM
Ahhh...Barbara. I couldn't read this without crying. Do these neighbors claim a relationship with Jesus? If they don't....their behavior does not surprise me. For, it's by grace alone that we have the humility to admit our wrongs! Just seems like their lives are built around pride and arrogance....not to judge them....that's not my desire....but just to point out that if there is not grace, then what else can we expect? May the Lord be glorified in and through ya'll....and may your neighbors see Jesus in all of this! much love!
Posted by: shawnda | June 22, 2006 2:40 PM
Whew. My thoughts and feelings are all in a jumble over this. I tried to read the posts and emails with as neutral and unbiased a perspective as I could, but found that I simply could not keep my emotions out of it. And I've come to the conclusion that I would not be much of a person if I WAS able to read all of this without my heart feeling torn.
I have had the privilege of knowing a number of people with Downs over the years. They have all been unique, different from each other, and yet they have all managed to reach out and grab my heart. When our family was coming up through the ranks in the martial arts, one of our fellow students was a young man with Downs. I looked forward to seeing him in class, because his enthusiasm and unabashed love and concern for all of us brought enormous comfort to me during a difficult time. (And he had no idea how God used him in my life --- he was just being himself.) I think this young man must know everyone in town. We ran into him at the local mall a few years ago while Christmas shopping, and you would have thought he was some sort of celebrity the way everyone rushed up to greet him!
Some years ago, I recall reading an article that described people with Downs as "love sponges", who soaked up love and then gave it out just as freely.
I mention all this as context to say why I've been all teary-eyed and pained on Jonny's and your behalf. Who can reject someone whose heart is so open?
At the same time, I've tried to put a positive spin on your neighbor's email. Maybe she honestly thought that, if her children allowed Jonny to play with them, that he would become some sort of fixture in their yard and home, and that they would be overwhelmed by the responsibility of supervising him. I really tried to convince myself of that. However, I couldn't. If that was truly a concern, rude rejection is not the way to handle it. One game in the driveway doesn't mean becoming someone's best friend, mentor, and caretaker. Children who outstay their welcome can and should be handled kindly and graciously. I would be ashamed if my response to my kids being rejecting to a neighbor would be something along the lines of, "But surely you can't expect me to restructure my children's leisure time in order to meet his needs!"
I don't think kids should be forced to play with anyone and everyone. At the same time, I think it is our duty as parents to raise our children to overcome prejudice and exclusive thinking. I've had to remind myself at times that a game won't be "ruined" by letting someone join after it's in progress --- or that, if that's too much trouble, surely we can say, "Let's finish this one up and then we'll choose new teams and you can play!"
One more thing...obviously I don't know the children involved. But I have observed an interesting thing that might explain why the parents think their child is "sensitive" while others describe him as "mean". It seems that there are a lot of kids who will dish out meanness to others when their parents are not around, but who will be quick to fuss and cry when their own feelings are hurt. Parents will interpret this as "sensitivity" rather than as being thin-skinned. They will not notice that this sensitivity is entirely self-centered. I actually had one parent tell me that their son could not possibly have cruelly teased an overweight girl because he was so sensitive to being teased about his weight!
I know this is long enough and I already said "one more thing"...but I can't help it! The thing about the accident on the bus? What on earth does that have to do with anything?! What is she suggesting?
How is Jonny doing with all this? How much does he know about the emails back and forth? How on earth do you prepare him for the rejections that will so tragically be a part of his life? This is the part of this whole mess that saddens me the most.
Posted by: Rebecca Prewett | June 22, 2006 2:48 PM
Rebecca--very well said!
Posted by: Maggie | June 22, 2006 7:54 PM
Yowsers! I guess for some people the one thing more difficult than saying, "What I did was wrong and I'm sorry," is making their children say that! All the analyzing and excuses for their son's misbehavior... just pathetic.
I too like some of my neighbors more than others- that's why I invite some and not others to dinner for example. But if a neighbor I wouldn't choose to pursue a friendship with shows up at my doorstep for a visit I certainly wouldn't slam the door in her face. That's essentially what was done to Jonny and it was just plain mean!
In my opinion those parents are allowing their son(s) to be selfish brats.
(And just for the record, I don't know either party involved, nor do I have or know a Downs child.)
Posted by: gendifrank | June 23, 2006 11:22 AM
P.S.
Barbara, It's curious that these people who allow their son(s) such FREEDOM of choice as to with whom they play think you should stifle your FREEDOM of speech and expression by not posting the incident. Amazingly, I detect no bitterness from you and think you have handled all of this remarkably well! God bless you!
Posted by: gendifrank | June 23, 2006 11:33 AM
That is sad. It's funny she refers to the informational conversations she's had with her son about Jonny. As a special ed professional, I wonder what she's been saying.
Some of the old-fashioned special ed teachers still support segregated, self-contained classrooms, and don't promote inclusion. That sort of thinking carries over into "real life" behavior.
I would say she needs to go back to school. She's outdated.
Posted by: Julana | June 23, 2006 4:03 PM
I've read through the different entries/accounts... I kept saying to myself: how sad! I'm sorry for a woman who's missing a wonderful opportunity to dialogue with you, develop a rewarding friendship and have an ally/companion *so* close to her. What a sad thing to miss such a valuable provision! But then, people are like coffee beans, I think. You never know how strong, bitter, robust, mild or flavourful they are until they're ground up and run through hot water and poured out. You really see what you've got when you taste the results. O, that Jesus would make us all come out fragrant and delicious---but that's not always the case. Thanks for sharing this valuable experience. May we all learn well. love you! --pamela
Posted by: pamela | June 24, 2006 3:13 PM
The bottom line is the neighbor children were rude and they were wrong. What part of that do these parents not get?
Posted by: Sharon | June 27, 2006 6:25 PM
I am so sorry this happened to you. My son is 6 and also has Down Syndrome. I don't think I would have handled this situation with as much class as you have. I think it is rude of this boy and his parents to feel that it is some how okay to shun your son. I don't think kids should be forced to play together, however, their is no need to be rude or insensitive towards other people's feelings. For them to bring up a situation w/your son on the bus was also rude. Would they mock or bring up a similar incident about an elderly person? How is that relevant? You are right, most people that have worked w/special needs people will tell you that they have experience in the field when they meet a handicap person, especially a neighbor. Obviously there is a reason this woman is not working with MRDD people. I wonder what the story behind that is. At least you now know that this is a family that you don't want you children to have anything to do with. All you, and all of us can do is pray that God will humble their hearts.
Your family in Christ, The Adams
Posted by: Katie | September 1, 2006 12:19 PM
