October 17, 2006 5:02 PM
A father wonders about more kids
Question from a dad:
I am 43 and my wife is 35. We have 2 boys, 5 years old and a 16 month old. We were thinking of having a third child. Part of me says no - our life is comfortable, my house is paid off (we live in the Dallas area where housing is relatively inexpensive) - our small cars are paid off (both are Honda Civics).So I wonder if we have a third child, will this "comfortable life" be compromised. My thought being, will I need a bigger house (it is 2200 sq ft with 3 bedrooms). Part of me says, kids will adapt, it is the parents who probably make each child having their own room a bigger deal than it is(I shared a room until I was about 6 and my wife shared a room until she was in high school). Will I need to get a bigger car, a minivan?? Can I save enough for retirement, college, emergency fund?
I know the above thoughts are minuscule, but nonetheless, it is on my mind.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thank you
Gregg D.
Comments
I don't think anyone on their deathbed looks back on their life, and says: " I wish I would not have had that last child".
IMO, Having children is one of the greatest forms of trusting God. I'm not a " quiver full" believer, and I do use birth control, but I believe that God really wants our families to increase. I believe he wants us as Christians to raise more believers who will touch the world for him.
I understand your concerns about money and retirement. My husband shares some of your same concerns, and right now we do not agree on whether or not we will have a 4th child. ( I told him that I think I'd like another child down the road)
Think about it from this perspective: How is your wife going to feel after menopause if she did'nt have that 3rd child she was longing for? Motherhood is like a career for many women, and we want to advance in our careers!
I think it's a faith issue, and one that God will honor if HE chooses to give you another child. ( There are never any guarantees)
Spend some time on the quiverfull websites...( sorry, I can't think of the web address right now) and see if you agree with some of the scriptures that they give as arguments for having more children.........
Good luck,
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | October 17, 2006 7:04 PM
It is far more important that your children grow up knowing they are loved than their having every "opportunity" that society implies they must have.
Space shouldn't even be an issue--if you can't fit 5 people in that space, then there's just too much clutter. The only thing is to carefully consider if you and your wife feel that you are capable of enriching the life of another child.
I know my personal opinions, but it's a debate you must have with your wife. And no, you don't have to buy a mini-van.
Oh, and nobody said you had to pay for their college. If you can, great, if not, great. It's good for children to learn to be independent, and that sometimes means not relying on Mom and Dad to supply all their needs and wants long after they leave home.
Posted by: Emily | October 17, 2006 7:10 PM
I think the ladies above made some good points. Personally, we live in an 800 square foot house and just had our third child, and are just fine. Yes, more room would be nice, but the kids learn to share and we learn to get rid of things we don't need. Yes, you might need a larger car or van to fit in three boosters/car seats, but it sounds as though that would be possible for your family with your house paid off. Definitely pray about it.
Cathy
Posted by: Cathy | October 17, 2006 8:23 PM
I for one am glad to hear a DAD weighing in on this issue.
You are in a better position financially and space-wise than many families with triple your children. Dallas is different than New York than SoCal than Alaska than New England than a mission in Mongolia... What I am hoping to say is: What is considered medium in Dallas (2200 sq ft) is positively palatial in other places.
Hang around happy families with 4 or more kids. Watch them interact, see how they live. Give your vision a chance to increase.
Posted by: floorplan | October 17, 2006 8:41 PM
Of course you need to pray and pray and pray about it...Our son was 21 months old when we had our twin girls. They all fit fine (for a while)in the backseat of our Beretta. But as the carseats grew, we had to get a 4-door (civic sized). It wasn't until we were expecting our fourth child that we even considered buying a minivan. We have a 1400 sq. ft home with 4 bedrooms (the twins share one), but we could easily make do with 3-having a girls' room and a boy's room. We count ourselves blessed beyond belief--God always provides more than we need, and we think it's pure joy having a 'larger than average' family. It seems like there's no way you could regret it. I say, "go for that third child" outloud and silently, "hope for twins!!!"-kmf
Posted by: kmf | October 17, 2006 11:12 PM
Discerning family size is so personal--as above commenters have written, what helped us was prayer and more prayer. We went from 2 to 3, and a 4th child is still a possibility. Every time I look at our daughter, I can't believe that I ever had a moment's hesitation about having another child.
Yes, we are called to responsible parenthood, but I think that our 'standards' as to what that means in this country are seriously skewed. Each child having his/her own room is a product of modern suburban living, I think, and as far as college, there are scholarships, loans, starting out a community college and working your way through school. (In fact, I found that many of my classmates whose parents were giving them a "full ride" through school took it completely for granted).
Sending prayers for guidance in your decision.
Posted by: KatieButler | October 18, 2006 7:51 AM
We are expecting our 7th child, and live in a 4 bedroom, 1600 sq. ft. house. This is the largest house we have ever lived in.
When we had our 3rd child, we were a 1 car family (it was a Honda Civic, too), and lived in a 2 bedroom apartment. We continued to live in 2 bedrooms until our 4th was born. We fit 3 carseats in the back of our Civic - I don't see why you'd have to buy a minivan!
My oldest is special needs, and for the first time we gave him his own room (he really, really needs his own space to work out frustration and decompress). He is begging us to let him move back in with his brothers. Every weekend/non-school night, having a 'sleepover' is a huge privilege for them, they love it. I think it is good for children to share rooms; after all, they will have to share space with other people for the rest of their lives, be it dorm rooms, apartments with roommates, spouses, or coworkers in the office.
That said, your post reflected that you are very concerned with the material side of children. God makes the children and specifically places them in your family. He will provide what they need. (Note: He might not provide Reeboks and Nikes!)
Siblings are the greatest inheritance you can give your other children.
I've never heard anyone say they wish they had fewer brothers and sisters.
Responsible parenthood is NOT making sure each child has their own brand new bike, name brand backpack, own room nicely decorated. Responsible parenthood is teaching your child about God, to care for others, to give selflessly, to follow the Commandments. I think this is easier when you have more children. It's easy to spoil one child, but when the kids outnumber the parents, kids have to learn to wait their turn patiently and share.
Children are not a choice, they are a gift.
Posted by: Lisa S. | October 18, 2006 8:41 AM
I understand the struggle, the questions...I went thru them years ago myself.
Now, as a parent of 7 children - I read through them and say, "These are Non Issues. Every single one of them!" Really! :) God is capable of taking your EVERY fear and leveling it out until it has no hold and no consequence.
He has a marvelous way of working things out, if we are asking Him for guidance and then acting upon it.
This is a great chance to see what God can do in your family!
Posted by: Holly | October 18, 2006 2:06 PM
We have 6 fabulous, well adjusted, responsible, fun daughters......all sharing the same bedroom (FYI - not large 10x11). They would not have it any other way...even the teenagers! In fact the eldest who will be going to college next fall says one of the things she will miss the most is sleeping with the sisters! (oh & by the way....with a household of 8, we look really "poor on paper"...thus qualifying for more college financial aide than we could have saved up even if we had only had a few children.)
When we announced the upcoming arrival of #7 sweet baby (coming in April 2007)...someone said to my 11 year old...."where are you going to put another one?" She did not miss a beat & responded with confidence..."If the Lord provides the baby, He will provide the room!" I couldn't have been more pleased & proud! :) Out of the mouths of babes...often comes great wisdom!
PS - We live in CA where we can only afford a 1400 sq foot home....but we are close, cozy & happy. After going to Mexico to help build houses for the poorest of the poor...the girls have decided we live in a mansion. We do drive a 15 passenger van...which are amazingly inexpensive because they are not "cool" cars. Life is good!
Posted by: Beth Lambdin | October 18, 2006 6:29 PM
Thank you very much for your responses. They were great!
Posted by: Gregg D | October 19, 2006 11:13 AM
