October 19, 2006 6:07 AM
Seeking answers from other dads
I ran this a couple days ago and got lots of good food for thought from moms. I'm thinking this dad would probably like to hear from other dads. Ladies, would you please ask your husbands, brothers, dads to respond in a comment here?
I am 43 and my wife is 35. We have 2 boys, 5 years old and a 16 month old. We were thinking of having a third child. Part of me says no - our life is comfortable, my house is paid off (we live in the Dallas area where housing is relatively inexpensive) - our small cars are paid off (both are Honda Civics).So I wonder if we have a third child, will this "comfortable life" be compromised. My thought being, will I need a bigger house (it is 2200 sq ft with 3 bedrooms). Part of me says, kids will adapt, it is the parents who probably make each child having their own room a bigger deal than it is(I shared a room until I was about 6 and my wife shared a room until she was in high school). Will I need to get a bigger car, a minivan?? Can I save enough for retirement, college, emergency fund?
I know the above thoughts are minuscule, but nonetheless, it is on my mind.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thank you
Gregg D.
Comments
Surrender the world's view and embrace Our Father's view..... Be fruitful and multiply...time here is short...eternity is forever....enjoy the blessings and lessons of being obedient to the Call of Having All the Kids God wants you to! He will provide all you need to get the job done!
Posted by: Tripp | October 19, 2006 12:34 PM
I'm a woman, homeschooling mom of nearly six kids, but I have heard these same arguments from my husband. My beloved is the single most honest person I know and I think I might have something for this dad to think about. He sounds very well off and the financial concerns seem like a cover to me. Though my husband has used the same excuse for delay, he has also told me that what he really wants is me. With each child we have, he feels he gets less and less of me, his wife, his best friend, his companion. It's true in a lot of ways, but knowing he feels this way, I make a point of making him a priority. He loves his kids, but he chose to spend his life with me, and I try to make sure he gets a couple of hours of me alone every day, no kids underfoot. I'm more successful some days than others, but he knows I'm trying.
I hope this helps a bit. I'd wager a lot of men feel the way my beloved does, but don't admit it.
Posted by: Jennie C. | October 19, 2006 12:43 PM
What my husband would say, and what we live by, is summed up in
"Where God guides, He provides." God is the one Who blesses us with our children, and it is God Who will enable you to care for them.
Psalm 37:25
I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
Posted by: Valerie | October 19, 2006 1:12 PM
I will have my husband post on this because I am curious as to what he thinks too. He is about to be the father of our 4th child, and we have our share of financial issues. Some would call us irresponsible for continuing to reproduce given our debt/student loans/etc.
My husband isn't particularly religious and he certainly appreciates the comforts of life. For instance, he drives a motorcycle and he has big goals for vacations and upgrading our living space.
He has never really told me why he is so open to children but I think part of it at least is just that he really likes his kids. Possibly even more than his motorcycle (though don't quote me on that). ;)
Anyway... I will see what he says to this.
Posted by: paigeu | October 19, 2006 4:15 PM
Speaking for my husband here (he's a non-net kind of guy ;) )
"What eternal good is "comfort"? Your house and cars will rot and rust away. Let go of your stuff and your comfortable life and let God decide whether it's good for you to have a third (or fourth or tenth!) child. You have a *huge* house--why do you need more bedrooms? Kids can share! Your children can also work and earn their way at least in part (scary concept, I know) when the time comes for college, or better yet, work hard through school and apply for every single scholarship available.
Now, he's not just talking out his nose, either. ;) We are expecting our third child and getting ready to move into a smaller house than we have now. He gets up at 2 am to head for a job that's not much fun because it's a job that God has provided. We don't live even half as "well" as Mr. D. But I can tell you that we are happy, happy, happy, and enjoy our blessings much more than we would enjoy another car or a fancier house. Plus, we will see our children in heaven, Lord willing. There is not even the slightest chance of seeing our house and cars when we depart this earth. ;)
Posted by: Margaret | October 19, 2006 4:55 PM
The VW Passat and the same sized volvo all fit 3 carseats across the back!
Of course, it's a bit more painful getting kids in and out than a minivan, but they get better gas milage.
If you have more than 3, that's the point where you have to get a minivan. My friends with a lot of kids all have 15 passenger vans.
Posted by: Elizabeth B | October 19, 2006 6:04 PM
Hey Barbara,
My husband did comment, but unfortunately he didn't mention that he was a he ;-) His username was : KMF. He's the one that mentioned going for the third child and hoping for twins. Just to let everyone know. :) ~b
Posted by: b | October 19, 2006 6:29 PM
I know you are looking for comments from dads but my hubby doesn't do computers, so here is our take on it:
We raised four children on a very small income and most of the time in a small home.
I did not see three as financially more difficult then two, or four then three.
When I compare our "low income" life style to what I saw while living in Asia, or to how my father lived during the depression, my children were raised in the lap of luxury.
Do I wish we could have given them more, definitely, but we did give them life and our love, and that was the more important then anything else.
Posted by: wanderingrose | October 19, 2006 9:09 PM
Paiges Dh-
"You sound like you are more than capable of providing for 3+ kids."
"I think you just have to search your heart to know if you want another child or not, and if you do then any sacrifices are not that big of a deal."
Posted by: paigeu | October 20, 2006 12:54 AM
Dear Gregg,
First, I'd like to encourage you not to think of these things as miniscule, but rather as what God has given you as a steward. Everything is important to Him, and they should be important to you; they're your life. Also, I don't believe it is wrong to either have a comfortable life or to be concerned about your financial or living status when considering the size of your family.
I'm not in your shoes, but having a fairly large house and two cars that are paid off places you in a position that few 43 yr old Americans find themselves. Maybe you could look at your comfortable life as not being compromised, but rather "shared" with another child. Your children will adapt, too. Living in a two bedroom house, our second son was added to our first's already established bedroom. It works out just fine.
Posted by: Steve | October 20, 2006 2:18 AM
I need to add something else my husband said after I posted at first.
He doesn't blame people for thinking the way Gregg does, having been raised in a society where children are either undesireable, or expensive trophies. He understands as a man how nerve-wracking it can be to think about providing for yet another child, especially with the expectations Americans have about what "provision" means.
His response to that is that we need to re-adjust our views to be in line with the Bible, both in how we look at children, and how we see provision. Biblically, children are blessings and to be desired, in large numbers! And we are not left alone to take care of our family--the Lord God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills is our provider, and He knows what we need much better than we ourselves know!
Posted by: Margaret | October 20, 2006 1:18 PM
Hi Gregg,
I'm 38 and my wife is 31. We were very comfortable with our two kids under 5. Neither of us were thinking about having another. Then a friend of a friend mentioned how she and her husband were "trusting God" with the number of kids they would have. I had never thought about it like that before. I couldn't get that concept out of my head for the longest time. I finally told my wife. We prayed about it and decided to take the plunge. Our third will be 6 months next week. He is a delight. I cannot imagine life without him.
We're not rich. I'm a pastor. My wife stays at home with our kids. Our house is smaller than the one you're living in and we still have a sizeable mortgage left to pay off. We also have some other debt that we're chipping away at. Both of our cars are paid off, though.
I do believe the Lord will provide for you financially. You don't indicate what you do for a living, but you must be wise with your money to be in the financial shape you're in. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
You might need a slightly larger vehicle—or maybe not. Check to see if the necessary car seats will fit. I have a sense that if you end up doing the car seat check, it will push you over the edge to wanting a third.
Many blessings to you, brother! I hope you write in again to let us know the results.
P.S. My in-laws are in Dallas. We're visiting them at Christmas. Maybe we'll run into each other!
Posted by: Brian Andrews | October 20, 2006 9:15 PM
Gregg, I have three kids from a very young first marriage that I raised as a single mom for 13 years, and 3 kids with my husband that I married in 1997.
I never thought it would be wise for me to have more kids. I felt I was sort of just done. But my husband had never had any of his own, although he was married previously, and the ball just got rolling.
I don't think it is a lot more expensive to have three vs. two, but there is cost in those first years of diapers and such. Formula, if she does not nurse is a consideration. Does your wife stay home, or would she have to take off from work? Three kids are more expensive in daycare, if you go that route. That would be a consideration.
But the blog asked for a man's perspective and here is my husbands. He loves all three of his kids (for a moment we will leave out the step-parenting issues, which are myriad), his two boys are the light of his life. However, that little one that we actively took a big chance on conceiving, Rachel, our two year old, is so different than anything he had ever encountered, so loving, such a personality, that if he could go back in time and have a conversation with himself, it would be to calm his own fears during that whole pregnancy about how parenting three would affect us.
Our middle child has autism, and we were understandibly concerned about it's recurrance (which did not happen). My age was also a concern, I was 38 when I conceived. But all was fine on that score too.
Life would not be the same without her.
Posted by: Jan B | October 22, 2006 8:17 AM
