February 12, 2007 2:02 PM
Readers' Forum: Personality Types and Family Size
Hi Barbara,
My husband and I have been going back and forth about having a large family for a few years now. I ordered A Full Quiver from you last year, read it, and believed in my head that it made sense to leave things up to God. But, a lot of questions and concerns pop into our heads about the issue. May I run some of our concerns by you and would you be so kind as to comment on everything from your perspective? I've spoken with you through email before, but as a reminder of who I am, I'll give you a little background: I'm married to my high school sweetheart. We're both 29 years old. We have a 5 year old loving, tenderhearted boy who happens to have a lot of health issues (seizure disorder, high functioning autism, numerous allergies, some of which are life threatening, mild asthma, eczema), and a 22 month old little girl (healthy as can be).1. You've written about the differing personality types (Meyers/Briggs) on your blog in the past. I am an INFJ and I feel like I need time to myself otherwise I get stressed, overwhelmed, and over stimulated. It's almost like I shut down. I recently read a book called The Introvert Advantage that goes into detail about how Introverts are actually wired differently in their brains than Extroverts. If I remember right, you've said you are an ENTJ. That would seem to fit well with having a large family since extroverts are energized and crave being around people (not 100% of the time, I know, but that's the general direction of an extrovert's desires). I, on the other hand, am refueled by spending time alone, mulling things over in my head, and when things are quiet - I emerge a new woman after times like this. That doesn't seem to fit well with having a large family. I am extremely concerned about this. Oh, my husband is also an introvert.
2. My husband just got hired as a fire fighter with a majorly coveted fire department (a dream come true!), and the next year and a half (at least) are going to be VERY intense in terms of his focus on his career and learning everything about firefighting. If we were to have a child anytime in the next year and a half, we foresee it increasing the stress in our household because he's going to be so busy and consumed. Due to this new career endeavor he won't be able to help out with the children as much (which I need in order to make me a better mother).
3. We live in expensive Los Angeles County, in a 2 bedroom apartment with no yard (with two small children, having no yard is cheating them of something they need - we can only go to the park so much). We don't have the income or money to buy a larger place right now. How would we manage with more children here?
4. Our children (especially our son, with his numerous special needs) require so much from us and we often feel tapped out just with these two. I know this perspective is heartbreaking to those who are coming from your perspective, but I'm being honest, which I think is important.
There are more concerns, but I know you are a busy woman and this is already a long email.
Our thought is to wait at least a year before we have any more children, but then I read more on your blog and also the comments from other moms of large families and I get confused about what we should do. I would love to have a large family, but the ideal in my head doesn't seem to fit well with our life circumstances and personality capabilities (even taking into account the sanctification process that would come to us through parenting a large family).
I'm interested in hearing your perspective on all this. I know the decision is ultimately up to my husband and me, but since you write about this so often on your blog I'm curious to hear what you'd say in response to our specific situation.
Thank you for taking the time to read this :)
Dear Sarah -
I am so sorry to have waited so long to answer your email. It seems like the most important things often wait 'til last because I know they will take the most time to answer :)
What you said about personality types definitely makes sense to me. I know what I'm doing is easier for me because it's how I'm wired. I love lots of activity and lots of interaction. My old age will probably be more difficult - but I'm hoping my husband and I can travel and experience some new things on our own then. But we also like to sit quietly and read together - which almost never happens now.
I do know a young mother with your personality type who has five children. She loves them dearly and is a wonderful nurturing mom. But as they grow, it's becoming a little more problematic for her, especially with the children who are extroverted and craving outside activity. I see many struggles in her future that I have not had to face.We did have a discussion about this last summer: Motherhood and Personality Types.
May I run this by my readers to see what the introverted moms of big families have to say about it?
As far as the practical concerns, I just don't know what to say. My husband and I personally felt called to leave our family size to God's care, but we are the kind of people who obey instantly and then as my husband always says, "We bit off more than we could chew and now we have to chew it." *Smile* Obviously, normal people would not have adopted one baby with DS and then said yes to two more.
We never thought about the practical. But as we kept having more kids my husband's income grew. He owned his own business so that made it possible. Right now he is working for someone else and it is a lot harder to keep our financial ship afloat.
I would never presume to tell anyone what God's plan is for their lives. While I believe having a big family has many benefits for parents and siblings, I also think it takes a certain kind of faith and that it's not a shameful thing to try to control that part of your life. My oldest daughter took control after #5 and she is trying to adopt - because she hates the way she is when she is pregnant and nursing and sleep-deprived. She feels like she's a good mother otherwise. Who am I to judge her decision? My policy with my grown up kids has been to support their choices and be there for them if they decide they've made the wrong one. They're grown up - they can hear from God for themselves.
You and your husband can too. So I would not presume to tell you the "right" way to live your lives. The best advice I can give is just to put all your preconceived ideas on the altar and be ready for God to choose the ones he wants to stay and the ones he wants to take away. What if he told you all to move to a small town where you could buy a starter home and your husband could be an important part of the community? Could you hear him if he asked you to do something radically different?
Not that he necessarily would. But we must always be ready to hear him - never having our own "plans" carved in stone.
One last thing: in my opinion, parenting gets easier the more kids you have. When your children are little you have no idea of how the dynamic changes when you have older kids who are helpers, and then actual companions who care about you and talk with you and become in many ways your friends (even though you are still a parent). Life is easier then. Or maybe I'm just speaking as an Extrovert :)
So this is just a little food for thought. No clearcut answers, just encouragement to be open to God's leading no matter where it takes you - and even if it's in a completely different direction than you ever imagined.
I'm sure my readers have lots more food for thought - for all of us.
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Oh, I'm so glad you mentioned this! I am an introvert. I didn't know this for a long time because I am also very social. But I NEED down time which means completely alone. I haven't had it in five years really, so my introvert tendencies are more obvious now than they were. My dh is also an introvert, though a different personality.
I really struggle with parenting. I think most kids at a young age are kind of extroverts: they need attention,they talk almost constantly, they want you to look at them ad nauseum...you get the picture.
I have wanted to homeschool since my first was born. I am beginning to think I should give up that dream. As passionate as I am about facilitating learning, and as much as I love to learn, the reality is that I am an INFP or an ISFP. I have skewed a little more to "J" since having children due to needing schedules and so on, but my core personality isn't conducive to teaching or trying to teach my daughter.
I am struggling with the feeling guilty part of "not homeschooling" so I understand the apprehensions in allowing the possibility of multiple children as well. I look forward to the discussion on this.
Posted by: Marsha | February 12, 2007 3:57 PM
I just wanted to comment on the introvert/extrovert dilemma. Engineer Husband and I are both introverts. We have eight children. Most of them are introverts, too, which makes it easy. We all go to separate corners and read ---or something. As the two extroverts get older, they ask to be with friends, and we try to oblige as much as possible. It's really not too much of a problem---except for the days when I lock myself in the bathroom to get a little peace and quiet. :)
Posted by: Sherry Early | February 12, 2007 4:09 PM
Hi Barbara,
I definitely understand where this Mom is coming from. I haven't taken any official tests, but being social is not something I do well. My idea of a great evening is not going to a concert, but sitting on the couch reading a book while husband sits next to me and surfs the internet, with occasional conversation back and forth over an interesting quote or neat site!
I just wanted to encourage her that it can be done. When you become a parent, God deliberately places that child with that personality in your family. He also gives Mom and Dad the graces they need to parent those children, if you are open to receive them.
I am expecting our 7th at Easter. My oldest is 8 years old, and has special needs as well (emotional delayed/bipolar)
This was a factor in our deciding to place them in public school this year - I still have 3 at home, and pregnant, but it is not so overwhelming for me all the time.
My husband is a construction worker. His "regular" schedule is 48 hrs. a week (5 days), with 7 - 12 hour days not being unusual. (I hate the hours but the overtime is nice!)
Sometimes I feel like a single mother!
While we are truly blessed right now with a large, fenced yard, we have lived previously with 5 children in a 750 sq. ft. basement apartment, and even sometimes motels (in the winter, hubs would follow the work to sunnier climates). Actually, I think one of my best times pregnancy wise was in a weekly motel. I was 9 months pregnant, all the kids were easily seen from the bed, where I could rest, and someone else cleaned the bathroom and washed the sheets!
It gets easier as they get older - you are right about that!
Children are noisy, but having many small children is not the same as it is when you visit Playland. Generally, if the parents actually parent, they are not running screaming from room to room leaving a trail of destruction. You can teach a child to be helpful, a blessing, and to amuse themselves and play quietly. It's not quiet all the time, but we have established a naptime schedule, and the olders don't have to sleep, but do have to be quiet and stay in their rooms. That's when Mom blogs! :)
A bonus to a big family is that the children entertain each other - Mama doesn't have to be directly involved in every single activity all of the time.
God calls us to be faithful. Trusting Him means, well, trusting Him. Don't be conformed to what the world says, do what you know He says, and you will never go wrong. And He'll give you exactly what you need when you need it - He always does.
Trusting Him may mean you have a large family, or it may mean you do not have anymore children - but the key is leaving the decision up to Him.
Posted by: Milehimama | February 12, 2007 4:24 PM
I am not a mother, so my comment may be a little out of place here...but I was just in the other room, talking with a coworker about being the extroverted daughter of two introverted parents, which makes this discussion rather timely!
My parents had five kids, and I've long thought that it was too many for their personality type. I would not trade my siblings for the world, but I think they really, really struggled.
Could it be possible that God is giving you the discernment to know what works for you and your family and your specific life situation? After all, there are many ministries for our many gifts--not everyone is called to the same thing, whether that's parenting a large family or missionary work or anything else.
Posted by: Kirsten | February 12, 2007 5:06 PM
but the ideal in my head doesn't seem to fit well with our life circumstances and personality capabilities
This made me smile. I erased the "ideal" in my head about nine years ago! The reality I got instead is not something I ever envisioned for myself, but now that its here I find myself saying to God, "OK, I get it now." Turns out His way was better than anything I ever imagined, planned or expected. Funny how things work themselves out when we let them.
Posted by: Elena | February 12, 2007 5:53 PM
I am also an introvert and my dh and I have 6 children and are working to bring home our 7th. For me, it has become easier as my children have grown older. There are more playmates for the littles who require more attention...I don't ignore them, but I'm not the only option anymore. I have also tried to structure our day so that I can have some time to myself. After lunch, everyone has their own quiet time. The littlest boys rest and everyone else goes off to do things by themselves. (We homeschool.) This plan does not always happen everyday, but it is often enough to keep me sane. Growing up, I always wanted to be part of a large family (I'm the oldest of two)...I just had to wait until I had a family of my own. I think that the desire for a lot of children has helped me juggle the needs of many children with my own need to have some quiet time to myself. I am also so grateful for bathrooms with doors!
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 12, 2007 6:08 PM
I don't know what to tell the woman who wrote to you, Barbara, but I want to tell you that your answer helped me. I'm in a situation like your daughter's -- I love being pregnant, but I hate who I am when the pregnancy hormones kick in and I go a little batty. My husband and kids aren't fond of that lady, either. We decided to stop at 6, and I've felt enormously guilty about this, like I'm being selfish or don't really trust God. So far I've just been taking comfort that I am following my husband's lead, but knowing that at least one other person is making the same decision really helps.
Posted by: Michelle | February 12, 2007 6:16 PM
It took me awhile to figure out that I'm an introvert, (I'm very outgoing and I DO love to talk)and that I truly do not crave or need a lot of outside activities....... My husband is much the same way.
I'm really desireing a 4th child at some point in the future, and feel like this topic was very timely. I look forward to the responses and hope to see a lot more people chime in!
You're a gem, Barbara. Thanks so much for this site, and for allowing God to use you!
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | February 12, 2007 7:06 PM
Hi everyone,
It's me: the woman who emailed Barbara with this question/dilemma. I'm loving reading everyone's comments. Thank you for taking the time to give me a little piece of your individual perspectives. I've got to get my kids their dinner right now, but I just wanted to stop by and say I'm reading all your thoughts. Thank you!
Posted by: Sarah | February 12, 2007 7:55 PM
Hi!
I think you have raised some good questions and I'd like to share my perspective.
I am an ISTJ, have 4 children and we are praying for more. I do need time alone to "re-charge", but I'm able to get it as my children are older now (almost 6 to 14 y.o.). When they were younger I would have a quiet time everyday so I could have some time to read, putz around the house, sew, etc. They didn't have to sleep, but they had to stay in their rooms for a certain amount of time. That really worked out well for me.
Now that the kiddos are getting older I am facing new challenges. Some of my children are extroverts and want friends over, parties, etc. that I really struggle with. I have not been good about them having birthday parties (are they really needed? :-)) and the thought of having several children over for an all-day play is not my cup of tea, BUT I do make myself do certain things. The kids have had birthday parties (They can have one every 2-3 years so I'm not overwhelmed), my daughter is in choir at our church which means that I spend my Sunday afternoons at church with others (I'd rather be at home), and I do try to let them have friends over every once in awhile. I try to be sensitive to their needs and have had to stretch at times, but it all seems to work out.
I think the biggest blessing is that they accept me for who I am. They know I like to stay home and don't like to socialize at parties, church functions, etc. but they also know that I will go the distance for them if it's important to them. My husband is also an introvert and these are challenges we face together.
This year I'm trying to practice more hospitality. I could easily be a hermit, but I don't think that would be good for my children. :-)
Sorry this was so long. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, so I wanted to give my perspective.
~Karen
Posted by: Karen | February 13, 2007 8:27 AM
I have been mulling this over since I read it yesterday. I am an introvert, but not extremely so. (ISFP) My DH is an extrovert--literally he did not answer a single question on the "introvert" side on the Myers-Briggs test!!! (ENFP, and extreme on every answer!)
We have five children, ranging in age from 16 down to 4, and the oldest has Down syndrome.
Before kids, I loved the idea of a large family. Kind of like how I love the idea of a big party! I can't stand to be left out of the fun, so if there's a gathering, I'm there! But after about an hour at a big party, I'm wiped out and ready to go home. Everything gets fuzzy and I can't focus any more.
And I think sometimes my family is a bit like that--LOL! The early years are a blur. Honestly, I am finding the teen years to be a lot easier for my personality type. I am starting to understand why I've never loved those toddler years.
During the newborn days, I could snuggle with my wee one, and they took naps, which gave me little breaks. The toddler and preschool years are full of questions, pokes, demands, etc., and they just plain wear me out! Our children are in public school, so they are gone during the day. This isn't a choice for everyone, but speaking as an introvert, this has been really good for me. I am also in school, so I'm not just at home enjoying the silence, but I have time to study and just be alone while they are at school.
And then, the older my kids get, the more I am able to enjoy meaningful, intimate conversation with them. It feels less "moblike" and more relational. There's still the background chaos, but I get to enjoy a lot of one-on-one or "small-group" conversations, and that definitely recharges me!
Because my DH is extroverted (and very kid-like) he loves being home with them in the evening if I need to slip out or go upstairs and study or whatever. Not all husbands are like that--I feel truly blessed. And it is definitely an example of where opposites attract, and it is a good thing! My weakness is his strength.
For me, having a large family is probably more draining than I ever thought it would be, but the more my kids mature, the more I enjoy them and my family as a whole. The other thing I should say is that finding myself weak and needy and overwhelmed is not all bad. It drives me to Jesus and makes me need him more. Big problems require a big Jesus! I'm not saying all introverts should go out and have a big family just so they can need Jesus more, but if you find yourself saying, "Oh my--this isn't quite how I imagined it would be!" Jesus can meet you there, and it is a good thing!
Posted by: chewymom | February 13, 2007 8:58 AM
I am a very introverted mom of 4, and wanted to comment. I also "shut down" if I have too much input, like Sarah. Here are my thoughts from 15 years of raising children, one who has an unknown genetic disorder like Down Syndrome, the others all "normal" but all with athsma. (Only 1 child is an extrovert).
1) For those of us with disabled children, the public schools are a blessing. My disabled daughter, now 12, has been in public schools in 4 different states, and while some programs are better than others, they have done amazing things for her. I also have so many doctor appointments that it is nice to have some at school so I don't have to drag everyone along.
2) Regarding Marsha's comment, for introverts with lots of kids, the public elementary schools are also a blessing. I have only had one or two at home, so the house is quiet during the day and I'm ready for the activity of the evening when they're all home. The junior and senior high schools have more issues for Christians because of peer pressure, biased curriculum, and so forth, but by then you will be in a different place, financially or otherwise, to reevaluate. (We were blessed in the sale of a home, and were able to put our teenager in Christian school. Otherwise I would have homeschooled him. He did fine in public elementary, but could not handle junior high).
3) Regarding Sarah's small apartment, during the times when we lived in small spaces, such as motels or apartments while moving, I always joined a local museum or two that had hands-on kid-friendly activities. Most science museums, zoos, and children's museums have annual memberships for $50-80 which give you free admission for the whole family for a year. Pack sandwiches and it makes a great, inexpensive day.
4) While I would love to have had a huge, quiverfull family, the reality at our house is that there are just too many athsma attacks, surgeries, and the like for me to have handled 12 children. My husband and I have always reached a point when we felt God calling us to have another one. (They average 3 1/2 years apart - we use NFP). You should seek the Lord for the timing of your next child rather than the counsel of others.
Posted by: Karen | February 13, 2007 9:01 AM
I just had to post one more anecdote regarding relying on the Lord's leading for your family size.
When I really wanted a fourth child, and my husband was telling everyone he was "done," I decided to say nothing and leave it in the Lord's hands. Well, several months later my husband came to me and said, "I've been having a recurring dream that I'm at a wedding walking my daughter down the aisle and it's a daughter we don't have yet." Well, baby number 4 was born less than a year later and it was a girl!
Posted by: Karen | February 13, 2007 9:15 AM
I haven't read all the comments, but let me share my thoughts. I am in my mid-20s and am the mother of 3 children, ages 5 1/2, 3 1/2, and 1 1/2, with #4 due in June. I am an introvert. I like to stay at home and to read quietly. When I do visit with friends and such, even when I enjoy the time, I come home feeling very tired, because visiting is hard work to me!
We leave control of the womb in God's hands, where the Bible says that it is. We make no effort to take control of that ourselves. He provides all that we need for each blessing that He gives us. As milehimama said, "Trusting Him means, well, trusting Him."
We also will homeschool our family. We personally believe that Deuteronomy 6:5-7 teaches that parents need to be teaching their children from a Biblical perspective all throughout their days. That and other factors make public school and Christian school not an option for us.
I'm not going to get into a debate about the above beliefs, but just sharing that an introvert can have a large family and homeschool. What God asks of us, He equips us for.
We currently live in a 1160 sq ft home. We'll probably stay here until we have at least 5 children. We have 3 bedrooms, but use one as a playroom. So, all 3 children are in one 7x13 foot bedroom. The 4th child will spend its first 1 1/2 years in our room and then move in with siblings. We are blessed with a yard. But, its winter and very cold here and my children have been outside to play once in 2 weeks. They do not NEED to go outside. Your children are not being cheated out of a need by having no yard.
God equips us for what He gives us. He uses all the circumstances of our lives, including our children, to refine us. I am by nature very disorganized and rather lazy by nature. But, I do a better job with housework than I did with no children. The Lord has used my children to work on me in this area. I used to be very "me time" oriented, but again, God has used my children to wean me away from much of this selfishness.
Do not assume that you will have lots of children if you leave things in God's hands. Some will. Friends of ours have 3 children 3 1/2 and under and are happily expecting their 4th. And he by the way is to go through fire academy to be a firefighter this spring! He has already gone through various EMT training and been on a volunteer department during their marriage.
On the other hand, we have friends now in their early 40s who have a 14 yo, 12yo, 10yo, 5yo, and 2yo. In that 5 year gap between the 10 and 5 yo, they used no birth control, but had several miscarriages. By the world's standards, there should have been a couple more children in there. I know another couple that has been married for 5 years, no birth control, and are expecting their first child in May.
God is in control. He opens and closes the womb. Each child is a blessing from Him. He knew each one before it was even conceived. He has a plan for each one. He provides for all that we need, physically and spiritually. We are to be content with having the basic necessities. He may bring us through circumstances that are difficult, but for our good and His glory. Do you believe all of these things which His Word teaches?
Some say He can always override us if we're wrong. But, He does allow us to turn from His path and reap consequences. Sometimes, He dramatically overrides us when we don't trust Him and go our own way, but most often He doesn't. We are to trust Him in all things.
I will probably not be checking back in on comments as I really don't have any more time to spend on this. But, I pray this is a blessing to you or someone else.
Love in Christ,
Heather (mom to 3 under 6, with #4 due in June)
Posted by: HeatherHH | February 13, 2007 10:47 AM
First of all Barbara, I need to know where you got that picture of the toothbrush holder. That thing is great.
Second, to answer the question. I am a mother of eight and am an INTJ.
I do have to work to be receptive to kids' requests to be going places and doing things. And there are times when it feels too loud for me in my house, usually when the youngest four get wound up and need more outside play time. That's when I hunt down shoes and coats and send them out in the back yard to play with our border collie.
But the vast majority of the time I find that the society of my family is comfortable and comforting, and not draining like being at a big party would be...because, you know, they're my family.
And of course, God gives grace. 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."
If it is God's will for you to have a large family, He will also supply every thing-- EVERY THING -- that you need to be a good mother to your children.
Mary, mom to many
Posted by: owlhaven | February 13, 2007 10:59 AM
I am an INFJ, too, Sarah. I have one four-month-old daughter right now, and my husband and I intend to leave our family planning in God's hands. I truly believe that He knows better than we do how many children are right for us and the timing of their births. Simply, I trust Him.
I don't know the difficulties and joys I will face as He adds to our family, but I know that if I lean on Him, He'll supply all my needs. He made me with the personality I have for the plan He designed for my life. I don't have to worry about what will come or how I'll handle it. I trust that God will use trials to produce endurance in me!
One mom I know is very much an introvert, and she is pregnant with her 10th child. Big families don't have to be chaotic if the parents train them well when the kids are young. I posted about that family and a couple other big families recently, and what they taught me about traning their kids: http://www.xanga.com/miller_schloss/536843501/when-you-train-you-reign.html
Ha ha! I just looked up that old post of mine to get the URL, and I had forgotten I had quoted extensively from Barbara Curtis in that post! There are some profound words of wisdom from those moms in that post.
The big question for you to ask, Sarah, is "What is God asking us to do?" If He is asking you to trust Him with your family size, then you can lay to rest ALL your worries about circumstances. God knows what He's doing. If you obey Him, things will always work out for good.
Posted by: Becky Miller | February 13, 2007 12:25 PM
I am an introvert, and have five young children. For me, the hardest thing with my personality type has been that I am extremely contemplative. I think if I had only, say, two children, I would not have AS MUCH to be contemplative about.
Having five, and not feeling like I am doing enough, doing it right, maybe messing them all up... well, the more children, the more I can start thinking like that. So, I guess i don't have any advice, but just that I relate.
I think if I had a different personality, then I wouldn't worry as much about things... I wouldn't be so introspective about my failings. Because of it though, I've definitely had to bring my requests to the Lord, realizing I would drive myself crazy if I didn't. So... as always, He works everything out for the good.
Posted by: agatha | February 13, 2007 12:39 PM
Karen's last post was very sweet, and it's a situation that I'm in right now..... I have 3 boys, and my DH is feeling like that's all he can handle...though he's not telling everyone we're " done". Instead, he makes a point to tell everyone that he has'nt done anything permanent just yet........I'm really feeling like I want one more baby at some point in the future, and Dh and I have agreed to simply not talk about it for awhile and just pray. :) I have a lot of peace that God will change one of us, either me or him..... and he'll do it in his time. :) Making the choice to not talk about it for awhile was the best decision for us, since it was causing some stress in the marriage. I've decided to " shut up and pray". :) That is what Stormie Ormartian reccomends in her book " The power of a praying wife". ( Great read, BTW)
Anyway-I have spent a lot of time thinking about Sarah's post because I'm an introvert myself.....
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that parenting is a stretch no matter what type of personality you have....... God will always stretch you in some way and grow you to be more like him.....That said, he hand picks your children for *your* family, and it is no accident. :) It's all part of his perfect plan, and he gives you what you need to take care of those children......While your personality may change a bit over the years as you become more Christlike, I believe that most people don't do a complete personality makeover when they have kids.
So while I think God streches us through our children, I also don't think he stretches us beyond what we can handle.....As an introvert, I'm not super activity oriented, and I've agonized over how much and how many activities I'll be able to handle just with the 3 kids that I already have. I was very comforted by Kevin Leman's book " Homecourt Advantage", where he reccomends keeping a limit on the activities that children are involved in. It's a great book, and I highly reccomend it, especially for an introverted mom who dreads being the minivan taxi mom........( You don't have to be on the road constantly!)
My other thought was that I think I'd be more concerned about the practical side of Sarah's situation, since her husband is going to be gone a lot for the next ( 18?) months.........Kevin Leman REALLY encourages dads to take jobs that only require a regular 40 hour week......Working more than that just takes too much time away from the kids.......( It's also not good for the marriage) I am a little hesitant in mentioning this, because Sarah's husband is the head of the household, and I don't want to cause an argument in her marriage........But if he were my husband I would get on my knees and ask God to give him a job that allowed him to work no more than 40 hours a week...... Not just for the sake of thinking about more babies, but for the babies that they already have.... and for the sake of the marriage. :)
So I guess I think that being an introvert is probably not a *huge* issue when planning a family....... If the *desire* for more children is there, it's time to do some serious praying, and then leave some of the doubts and fears to God.......
Blessings
Posted by: Lisa | February 13, 2007 1:09 PM
Well, my dh is a total introvert, but obviously he can't speak as a mother. ;)
Limiting myself to financial concerns--once we had decided (before we married) to leave our family size to the Lord, it became a matter of trusting Him to make a way. And he always, always has made a way, even if it didn't quite fit into my idea of "ideal". We don't have a huge house or a big yard or a lot of things we might *want* to have, but we do have everything that we *need*, in abundance. We have rough times and easy times. I'm guessing the addition of baby #3 in a few more weeks is going to be a rough time for a while, as we all adjust to each other, but having seen God walk us through other, greater difficulties, I'm not worried. We're running out of room in our house now, but I know I needn't worry about that. He will provide. And in the meantime, I simplify and declutter and make more room for us here. ;)
Posted by: Margaret | February 13, 2007 2:41 PM
Just wanted to encourage this introverted mom that God's plans truly are not our own. It is my own plans and will that I try to make more like his each day. When his will becomes my own his answers to my prayers are always YES.
We stopped at 4 kids. My husband and I both knew that was our quiver full. We are both open to adoption and know that if God wants that for our family He will provide it. I miss babies still but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what God wanted for our family.
And I agree with Barbara. The more we have (once we got used to being outnumbered) the easier it was.
God's plans are to give us joy and an OVER abundant life. Just be open to his desires and trust that He will plant those in your heart. You will not have to figure it out....the struggle a lot of introverts have.....me included. Just rest in knowing he has your family's best interest at heart.
If we had started earlier we'd have 12 kids too but we have a healthy functioning family and that is most important to us and to our Lord.
IN HIM
julie
Posted by: Julie | February 13, 2007 3:18 PM
I have not read the other comments but I look forward to coming back later to do it.
I am an INFP which for me means that I am lazy to the core, crave intellectual stimulation constantly, and have a little bit of social phobia. I am also the mother of 4 kids under 5!
My plan? Wing it! Like the alcoholics say, one day at a time. God has changed my personality plenty since I first started the mission of mommyhood, and I know I can call on Him to get me through those tough times where I have to get going. You don't need to be an extrovert though to be a good mother. My husband is an extrovert and he doesn't enjoy just sitting quietly with the kids on the couch for an hour like I do. He doesn't like to snuggle in the mornings like I do. He is always going going going and I just want to lay around and observe the world, not actually be involved in it. ;)
And even though our brain chemistry is different, that doesn't mean we can't change it. I am not saying you will ever be an extrovert, but if you work at it you can find it within yourself to enjoy things you are not naturally inclined towards. I have had to give up my laziness a little bit so I wasn't such a control freak. I wanted the house spotless because the cleaner it was, the less I had to be off my rear-end cleaning it. Well....I prayed and learned to actually enjoy a little chaos. Crazy stuff happens when you pray. Things you never thought possible become possible.
As for all that annoying practical stuff, my opinion is the same- wing it! :)
Posted by: paigeu | February 13, 2007 5:47 PM
I'm an INTJ and have 8 children ranging in ages from not quite 23 (sat.) to 3 yo. One of the first things that I try to express to people who wonder about large families is that having them is different than being around them. They are yours so you can teach them 'you can do that mommy doesn't mind' and 'never ever do that or mommy will pitch a total hissy fit'. And what is ok in one family is hissy material in another--the reason why other people's children tend to drive you crazy. For example I do not mind my children building room size forts, cutting paper everywhere, or dumping out the 20 gallons of legos--they all clean up. Spilling liquids is something that happens BUT if you spill and mommy steps in it in her socks then mommy will holler---please clean up & ask for help. Older ones do help younger ones so this isn't really as big a deal as it sounds. The thing is to take the time to train them what is accecptable and what is not.
As for too much--my dh understands. I often use grocery shopping as quiet time. We live in a small town and a trip to really stock up is 60 min. of driving plus shopping. I have also learned to say...I love you very much but mommy is tired so please don't touch me right now. This sounds like it would be awful, but even small children have times when they don't want to hug or kiss someone and if you respect their choices they will understand yours. Hugs and snuggles are only one way to show love and affection and even extroverts don't always want to be hugged on.
For 11 years (until 3 ys ago) my dh worked for a small seed company and for most of that time we had 4 children--the youngest was just 6 months old when he started there. So twice a year at harvest & planting there would be at least 6 weeks of 80+ hour work weeks. You are right it isn't easy, but some thinking can make it easier. Here are some thoughts in no particular order.
---If the budget allows--paper plates (we had no dishwasher) with the rule that everything must be eaten at the table. Train that they are not finished eating until their spot is picked up. Let the olders be a helper for a younger.
---Plan 3 or 4 easy breakfasts and rotate. Same with lunches and have about 14 suppers. Children like routine so why not make this a 'no brainer'. Makes shopping easier too--use a pantry principle so that this can be a once a week or less thing. Now is not the time to take up fine dining unless it is really, really relaxing for you.
--Do one load a laundry a day from start to finish (fly lady says the same thing).
--Box up and rotate toys. If there are only a few toys around then there will only be a few on the floor. This is where sets are nice: blocks, imaginext railroads & castles, tiny cars. Lots of room for imagination but at pick-up time there is only one tub to put things away in.
--If you have to get gates and keep the children confined to where you are. If you can see them then it is easier to stay on top of bickers. It also keeps the mess to a smaller area.
--Figure out what really makes you & dh think a place is dirty and then do that one thing well. For example my dad is picky about the table top being clean. He says that if the table is clean and the dishes are stacked up neatly then when company comes they don't know if they interrupted dishes or not---But if they are still scattered its just dirty. My grandfather's was cob-webs. He would say that children will mess a place up as fast as mom can clean but you can't blame cob-webs on the kids. So what is your personnal picky? What is dh's? Remember keep this list as small as possible!!
--Do not listen when someone trys to says that you must have a date night that requires spending money or time out somewhere. After all that working your dh would really like to see you & the children (or the back of his eyelids). Pressure to do what someone else thinks is good will make this seem like a failure. Talk about what you a family & couple would really like to do on his days off--then do what you can.
--And it sounds stiff and unloving but it also helps to pick an adult snuggle night for that extra effort from both of you. You will be tired, he will be tired, but anticipation will help with that. It is too easy to let the "adult conversations" slide and that hurts more than a dirty house, fast food, tired kids, and tired parents.
It sounds like a lot, but it is all about routines and keeping things simple. Just like babyhood is a season so is this part of his job--just babyhood for the career.
Posted by: Stephanie | February 13, 2007 9:12 PM
Wow - thank you everyone for your comments! I know you're busy with your own families, so it means a lot that you would take any time to give me some advice. :)
The main issues that cause my husband to hesitate are my son's health/developmental issues and the demands my husband will face with his new career (at the beginning). You see, I suffered from some pretty hefty postpartum depression after I had my second child, and we were going through tremendous stress in our life at the same time. We aren't keen on experiencing anything like that again, if we can help it. We're both nervous because he won't be around very much (working or studying) and with my introverted needs for calm and alone time, it's scary to invite another newborn into this situation (with an older brother with special needs of his own, some of which are sudden and stressful - like if he has a seizure). My 22 month old daughter is also very attached to me and that can be draining in and of itself, at times.
But I do desire a big family! I grew up with just one sibling and always wanted more. I really wish I had a sister of my own :( So, that's part of the reason I want to have more children: to give lots of siblings to my children...a gift to them for their lifetime. But I don't want to be a basketcase, stressed all the time, in order to make that happen.
That's all for now...
Posted by: Sarah | February 14, 2007 12:59 PM
Several of you mentioned routines as being a huge help in managing your day to day responsibilities. I do think that's an area I need to grow in, and if I do, I think I would see very good results. Since I've had kids I've had a hard time having the energy to establish and stick to routines (except for nap and bedtimes - those are consistent). I know my whole family would benefit, so I'm going to focus on developing that area of my home life.
And I will be praying to God for him to show my husband and me what he wants us to do. I want God's will to line up with my will. Funny thing is, we had decided to move to a smaller city so we could afford a larger family (buy a house with a large yard, etc.), but literally a month after we put those plans in action, my husband got a letter in the mail saying he's moving on in the process (which he began two years prior!) of getting hired as a fireman with the l.a. city fire department. We could hardly believe the timing. It was almost as if God said, um, no, you're staying right here. Your plans to move aren't in my will right now." The chances of him getting hired in this department were so small - the competition is fierce - and he'd been trying for three years to get hired somewhere with no luck.
All that to say, we were making plans to move to a more affordable place so the cost of living would be more reasonable with a larger family, but then this happend. Now we're trying to figure out what this will mean for our future and having children. Please pray for us.
Again, I so appreciate everyone's wisdom and insight.
Posted by: Sarah | February 14, 2007 6:11 PM
Sarah~
I had some practical suggestions for you to consider:
Have you thought/prayed about investigating some solutions and cures for your son? To my knowledge, almost everything you listed your son having can be highly alleviated and even cured by redoing his diet. I have read of countless instances(and know some personally) where Autism, Asthma, Excema, and Allergies have gone away just by changing the food ingested! Too much info to include here, but there are so many great sites out there for natural cures, welltellme.com is one of my favorites. I get extremely frustrated when common sicknesses cycle round and round in my family of 5, so, I can see how overwhelmed you must get!
Also, from your description of your children tapping you out, I wondered if you could just use some practical "training" like many others have mentioned...one of my favorite books is "Shepherding A Child's Heart".
I really hope I didn't come across as a "know-it-all" or arrogant in these suggestions...they didn't come to me on my own, other wise mommies have shared their findings with me and I am just passing it along!
That's what this is all about, right?! ;-D
Posted by: Graciegirl | February 14, 2007 7:25 PM
Graciegirl,
Thanks for offering these suggestions. Basically, for the first three years of my son's life I researched and read about everything you could do to cure or alleviate *all* of his issues. Nothing worked, to my utter dismay. After spending thousands of dollars here and there on different visits with alternative health care practitioners and treatments, I threw my hands up in the air and said "I am soo not in control of this!" I was burned out from trying to find solutions to his seemingly endless issues. As far as the diet, we've tried so many things - too many to list - and unfortunately things haven't helped much.
He has new doctors, through my husband's new insurance, and they're helping us keep his symptoms under control. We're also in the process of trying to obtain a behavioral consultant for in home behavior help through regional center services (for his autism). Anyway, it's been a very long journey, and unfortunatley he's still got many of the same issues as he started out with.
As far as "training", I do think I need to be more consistent with discipline (and I do *not* mean spanking). I used to own Shepharding a Child's heart, but it made everything worse...for me and my son (especially with his special needs). I try to follow "Grace Based Discipline" (visit the gentle discipline message boards at www.gentlechristianmothers.com) and Dr. Sears' book, The Discipline Book, which is not permissive...it's very hands on, positive, and proactive. I am a large part of the problem - I haven't been consistent. I need routines and to follow the plan of action I know in my head in disciplining my children. Things are just so complicated with my son.
Thank you, though, for mentioning these things! I do need to become a much more effective "trainer" for my children. :)
Posted by: Sarah | February 14, 2007 9:24 PM
