March 15, 2007 3:50 PM
When hubby doesn't want more kids
Last month Sarah wrote me about the wisdom of having more children for parents whose personality types didn't seem consistent with having a big family, or who lived in less-than-optimum circumstances: Readers' Forum: personality types and family size.
As always, your comments were filled with lots of wisdom and experience.
A short time later, Sarah wrote me that she had decided that she really wanted to have more children, but that her husband was not on the same page. I wrote back:
Sarah -- I know we've talked about this at MommyLife before - here are a couple of places - but I know there are more.Open Forum: How many children?
A father wonders about more kidsBasically, the ONLY thing you can do is put this issue on the altar. Seriously. I mean be able to love God with your whole heart and soul even if your husband never changes his mind (and love him too). To be content. To pour everything you have into what God has so far given you.
At this point, I wouldn't even pray about it. I would just beg God to make me content and trust him by leaving the whole matter in his hands. I've found it helpful sometimes to pour out my heart in a letter to God, seal it in an envelope and put it away for a couple of years. After going through the process of truly letting go and learning to be content, I am always surprised by what God is able to accomplish when I step out of his way.
hope this helps. Sending love and prayers your way,
A couple weeks later I received this amazing update from Sarah:
I've been sharing with my husband how God has gently convicted me that I've wanted so much time alone (me time) away from my children. I have complained a lot, at times, to my husband. I've received a lot of encouragement about children being blessings and I've had a paradigm shift - I am excited now, about spending time with my children. I want to homeschool them. I want to nurture them and train them up in the Lord. And, I want to be more of a helper to my husband. I won't leave him with so much to do anymore.Well, my husband was so happy to hear this. He is very open to me sharing all that I'm learning and my heart convictions about God's view of children. I asked him today if he minds me talking about all this and he enthusiastically said, "No! Not at all."
He said that on a scale of 1-10 (1 being we are going to wait to have more children and 10 being let's stop using barrier methods of birth control) he's at a 7! I'm so excited. I think he's almost there, and he's interested in hearing more. What really helped was my realization that I
haven't been living like my children are a blessing enough of the time for him to be ok with us having more right now. He's seeing that change in me already.I listened this week to the cd interview Amy Scott did this year with Cumberland books. I think the things they both shared, along with a lot of my own reading (Sally Clarkson's books, the archives from Amy's website, your books and website, lots of prayer and reading scriptures on children, teachings this week from Nancy Leigh Demoss on the radio) helped me have a major paradigm shift in how I view children (I mean how I really view children...not just in my head anymore but in my attitude/actions).
Thank you again!
Sarah
What's amazing is watching someone go through such a profound change - to surrender everything to God and come up with some unexpected answers!
I'm running this with Sarah's permission, because I'm so sure that there are many women out there who need to see it. If you and your husband are not on the same page aobut more children, maybe the person who needs to change is you. Maybe you need to ask yourself a few questions about why your husband may think two or three is plenty.
Do my attitude and actions demonstrate that children are a blessing - and that more children will not add to my "burden"?
Am I content with a living- well-on-less lifestyle? Meaning less in everything but the things that truly matter :)
Thanks, Sarah for sharing this part of your mommy-evolution so honestly!
Posted in Big families, Fathers, Pro-Life Issues | Permalink
Comments
I had my own Mommy Revolution a few years ago. I wrote on my blog about how my world stopped when God (literally) spoke to me in an audible voice. Yep, that'll get your attention. My attitude changed much the way that Sarah's has. In the 6 years since then, I can honestly say I LOVE where God has brought me. I used to be so frustrated with this "position" and now I realize what a calling and blessing it is. Thanks for sharing, Barbara and Sarah.
Posted by: Kristin | March 15, 2007 4:42 PM
i had a shift like this as well a year ago or so...i keep losing sight though. Did that ever happen to you guys? i get so stressed and overwhelmed and then it takes things like this: my realization that I
haven't been living like my children are a blessing, that brings me right back. (thank you God for those little kicks in the pants!)seriously, my initial reaction to reading that was "whoa"...but have any of you other mommies "lost sight" of it before? then had trouble "getting back" to it? i still just feel overwhelmed...like i want it, but it's out of reach, but i know it's there...*sigh*
i hope this makes some sense to someone...i seem to have swiss cheese for grey matter anymore lol!
kristy in england
Posted by: kristy | March 15, 2007 5:57 PM
My son is the result of laying my fears on the altar to God. My husband wanted another child, I felt overwhelmed with just one, and felt that another would just make my burden heavier. We went back and forth with this very often. One night, I lay in bed praying to God and I decided to let Him make the decision. I told Him that He was in charge, and if it was His will for us to have another child, so be it.
Three days later, I KNEW I was pregnant. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor???? He was just waiting for me to give up control!
Posted by: Linda | March 16, 2007 2:01 PM
