May 18, 2007 2:30 PM
Divorced mom seeks advice
This from a reader looking for our suggestions. Also, let's agree to pray for her, her son, and his father:
Dear Barbara,I just stumbled on your website while I was searching for a good book for my 11 yr old son to be assigned (by me) to read over the summer. I have read some of your blogs and must say that I am most impressed with your faith, your honesty, and your eloquence. I am a Christian and trying to raise my son so that he will desire to become/remain one too. The problem is his father. We are divorced and he has visitation quite a bit. That's good for having a dad around, but dad is not concerned with spiritual things nor is he adequately (in my opinion) shielding our son from bad influences, from what he/they watch on TV to movies to magazines lying around his house. I don't think he has outright porn (though he probably does), but just the covers of the men's magazines with mostly naked and highly sexually charged images alone really concern me for our son. I want him to value and respect women, and I don't want his first brush with sexual desires to be from these magazines and TV shows. There is nothing I can do legally--I've tried--to make dad clean up his act. I have nicely voiced my concerns about their TV and movie habits and he cleaned it up for a while but I don't know how to go about approaching him about the magazines without him getting defensive and us winding up in a big fight. It just devastates me that I have to send my sweet son into what I consider a lion's den.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this to you, but I just feel so desperate and you sound like a well-balanced, educated voice of reason and faith. Believe me, I do not go around sending emails like this to strangers, only I felt led to write to you. I'm sure you are very busy and I understand that my dilemma can't be at the top of your "to do" list, but if you would so kindly respond, it would mean a great deal to me. Use this for a blog entry if you like, I do not mind.
Any and all advice is welcome.
Comments
I highly recommend that the mom get and read this book
She may not want to hand it over to her son to read because he is young and it is rather frank in some ways. She can decide after reading it, based on how much he has already been exposed to. There is a version for Dad if he would read it. It could change his life. It changed my husband's life, and I believe it will positively affect my son's life (who is also 11, but so far, pretty sheltered.)
And she can get the book from your Amazon store :) Used copies are as low as $3.50 plus shipping.
Posted by: Leslie | May 18, 2007 3:00 PM
First of all, I will be in prayer for you. This situation really strikes a chord with me. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband when we first separated. It was a hard time. My suggestion would be that if you are sensing ANY red flags, I would encourage you not to ignore them. How you deal with those feelings should be up to you and God. Talk to Him about these feelings and ask for guidance (and be willing to wait for His direction). This is an area that I wish that I had paid more attention to in my son's life. I ended up finding out things later that I had, at that point, no control to change.
God is faithful, though, and He is restoring my son. He will do the same for you and your family.
Posted by: christy | May 18, 2007 4:07 PM
I would suggest praying for God to convict your ex husband of the kinds of magazines/t.v he allows into his house and life. I know this sounds like an oversimplification and certainly not a quick fix, but remember that the Lord tells us that "...the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much"(James 5:16). In other words pray and keep praying - your prayers will have a mighty influence. What we cannot convince another person to do or not do, God certainly can and will. God's heart is for your son and He has dire warnings for those who cause little ones to stumble(Mark 9:42). Perhaps you could speak to your ex again regarding your concerns. But I would be in prayer about it first as, like you said, you don't want to get into an argument with him. Also pray for the protection of your son's mind. I'm sure you do this already, but keeping him grounded in the word of God is a vital line of defense. Saturate him with scriptures regarding purity and being holy and talk over with him what God expects of us in regards to fleeing immorality. Yes, I realize he is only 11, but I'm sure you can do this in an age appropriate manner without going into sordid details. And besides, we are commanded to train up our children in the training and admonition of the Lord so that when they are old they will not depart from it. By doing this he will have a rock solid foundation with which to stand in a world that has caved under immorality. I will certainly be in prayer for you, your son and your ex and I will ask that God give you wisdom for this situation. I pray this helps!
Libby G.
Posted by: Libby | May 18, 2007 4:11 PM
Barbara, I will pray for this mother, her son, and his father.
Here are a few of my thoughts about how I would approach this situation,
1. Pray and pray some more. Speak more words to God and less to your ex-husband about your frustration.
2. Cease attempting to change the father or bringing the issue up about his entertainment habits. Addresssing your concerns to your husband is probably pointless at this time. The fact that he is defensive is frustrating I'm sure, but understandable. He is defensive about his actions because, like most men, he likes to look at them and deep down he knows it appeals to his base desires and is wrong. The fact that you know he has looked and possibly lusted after other women shames him even though you are no longer his wife.
2. When your son comes home from his visits let him find a mother who cheerfully welcomes him back and is truly glad to see him without probing and questioning him for every wrong his father committed while he was there. He will learn from his father to become just as defenseive and that will only drive him closer to him and away from you. Not a good option going into the teen years. But that doesn't mean you ignore what you believe he may have seen while there, but instead of being reactive, develop a proactive strategy to deal with the issues he faces.
3. Continue to become a woman that both your ex-husband and son can respect - even if they never say so outwardly. Your influence will be stronger than you can imagine if you are a woman who carries herself with confidence in the God who created you, not one who walks in fear over the future. As hard as it is for we mothers to understand we serve a God who loves our children more than we do.
Remember, the images in the magazines and on TV paint a picture of women useful only for a man's lustful desires not worthy of respect. But God paints a much different image of a woman to desire and respect. Your testimony of walking in Christ and the inward beauty of a heart at peace with God, will speak volumes to him where words and ranting (to him or his dad) will not. Let him see firsthand the contrast between a woman who loves God and does not fear the things of this world. Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
4. Also remember, the one desire that those fictional woman cannot provide for any man is respect. And respect is someting ALL men desire and want including your son and husband. Show your son respect and treat him like a man. That will become even more important as he enters puberty and his hormones kick in. Teach him, through the counsel of God's word how to avoid and overcome temptation. But do so without confrontation about what he has seen with his dad. If he were my son I would schedule a night out for dinner and talk to him about tempation and how to deal with it. Let him know that we all struggle with our sin natures, but Christ gives us the strength to overcome them. Scripture tells us, "how can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to thy word." Let him know that it is God's desire that he remain pure, but the world makes it hard. Show him scriptures that he can memorize to overcome temptation. Do all of this without mentioning his father or the things he may have seen there. And then continually pray for him and provide periodic encouragement without embarrassing him. The fact that he is only eleven is a good thing. You have the ability through Christ and His Word to shape his definition of purity without ever shaming him or disrespecting his father. Let him know that when he stumbles (and he will) that he has an advocate in Christ. That no temptation is unique to him, but Christ overcame them all at the Cross. Then continually repeat that message without seeking to know the details of each visit with his father.
5. Find reasons to speak well of his father. This may be the most difficult of all. He loves, values and respects his dad and he wants to know that you do as well, even if you are no longer married to him. So pray and ask God to show you areas where you can encourage your son by speaking well of his dad. Speaking well of him eliminates the temptation to use your son as a tool to "get back" at your ex-husband for the hurt he may have caused you.
These are just some of my thoughts, hope it helps. By the way, I have two teenage sons.
Posted by: Spunky | May 18, 2007 5:30 PM
I would talk to my son earnestly about my concerns.
Posted by: Marie | May 18, 2007 7:08 PM
Your son probably doesn't think of himself as innocent and sweet, nor does he think of his father as a threat to his morals. If you make a big deal about this, it will backfire on you. Your son will feel that you are coming between him and his father and that you think of him as a baby and he will resent it (and so will your ex husband). You cannot isolate him from the world and its objectification of women nor can you censor what he sees when he is not under your care. What you can do is teach him to respect women and to think of them as people rather than objects by being the model of the kind of woman you want him to respect. How you are as a mother is much more powerful than any amount of exposure to magazines.
Posted by: l.s. | May 18, 2007 10:48 PM
I read this over my wifes shoulder today and could not help but notice that maybe another perspective was needed. It seems to me that the “damage” is already done. What needs to be concentrated upon is helping your son with this issue. There is nothing you can do as far as influencing you ex-husband. That left when you got divorced. I do not know the circumstances of your divorce, but it seems to me that a key issue here is being missed. That key issue is respect. Respect is a life blood for a man, just like love is for a woman. I know that this may be hard, but it is key. If you can show enough respect for your ex to let him live his life his way, and then teach your son how to respectfully discuss the things that make him uncomfortable with his father you will see much greater results. If you ex-husband truly loves his son a talk like that will have 100 times more impact than you trying to get your ex-husband to change his ways by what to him will seem as merely nagging.
Second, find a role model that emulates a good manly, Christ centered, life. An uncle, grandfather, any one your son can look up too that can teach him how to be a real godly man. You as his mother can never do that, you have no concept of what it truly means to be a man. The key is in truth respect, you for your ex-husband so that your son can see it modeled in your life, and respect for your son in that he can learn to deal with some of the problems that life will throw his way. If he does not learn how to deal with it now when he has you and hopefully a male roll model to guide him it will be much harder for him when he is older. One last thing ( I know this will sound like nit-picking) please do not refer to your son as sweet especially to him. The term “sweet” has very feminine connotations and could be construed as a lack of respect. He can do things that you consider sweet, but that is very different than being sweet.
Posted by: David | May 18, 2007 11:50 PM
I am the writer of the original letter and I cannot thank each of you enough for your comments, advice, and most of all, your prayers. I know that sometimes praying for a stranger can seem a little difficult, but I also know that to the Father, none of us is a stranger and your prayers will be heard and received by Him.
I have actually done and been doing much of what you have suggested, so hearing that I am on the right track is a relief. I never denigrate his father nor do I quiz my son about what he has viewed, but I may just ask in the course of regular conversation what shows they have seen. I have read "Every Young Man, God's Man" by Stephen Arterburn, which is a terrific resource for raising sons. After much prayer, I shared the book with the dad with the simple explanation that this is how I am striving to bring up our son while he is here, and I thought he would maybe want to see my template. He accepted the book very well, but I have not talked to him about its contents as of yet. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate your further prayers to soften dad's heart and that he be blessed with the Holy Spirit to receive the information well and that his spiritual eyes would be opened. My heart is full at reading all of your comments and encouragements, and I wish for you all God's richest blessings.
Posted by: Jane | May 20, 2007 7:36 PM
