June 16, 2007 10:49 AM
Teasing, bullying, rejection
I am so behind with email and reading through it this morning while I wait for my flight out of Boston, I feel terrible because some of these were pressing problems. I don't know whether it's because I'm getting older, but my heart is growing more tender every day and I find myself not only rejoicing with those who rejoice, but weeping with those who are experiencing the sadness of our world.
I am going to post some of these this morning and ask my readers to jump in with your thoughts, ideas, suggestions, encouragement, love and support. I know it is all out there :)
My son is almost 4 (July) and we have started running into something that I'm puzzled how to deal with. My son is active, talkative, real go getter type of kid. He's also very friendly and loves playing with other kids. We've had two incidents in the last two months were other children around his age refuse to play with him and in the first incident actually threw him to the ground and told him to get away. The second incident was mostly a shunning incident where they simply wouldn't talk to or play with him. They just ignored him. In both incidents the parents where around. The first time the mother said 'Well i just don't know what to do. Can't you boys just play nice?' and left it at that. This was a Mom's club event so we know these kids and parents fairly well. The two boys in question have major behavioral problems and this particular mom is literally afraid of setting her son off and being embarressed. The second incident one of the mothers told Gabriel that the kids didn't want to play with him right now and he just needed to leave. We just moved here two weeks ago and this was the first group of kids he'd had an opportunity to play with since moving here. They were only here for Memorial Day weekend. My son sobbed as we walked back home, not understanding why the kids didn't want to play with him. It truly broke my heart.
i know you wrote about this with one of your sons being picked on by neighborhood kids. The parents responded by saying their kids didn't have to play with your son if they didn't want to. I find that appalling. I've taught my son that if someone knocks on our door wanting to play, we let them in and we play. We can watch TV or play with mom anytime. I teach Gabe to treat others the way you would want to be treated. We have no idea what is happening in the homes of those around us and I try to make a safe, fun haven for all neighborhood kids. Ive had neighbor kids sit on my driveway waiting for Gabe to get up so they can come play. Shunning or physically assulting another child because you don't want to play with him sounds like the begining of bullying and clique formation to me. Am I being overly sensitive here? Is this normal? I've read your posts about letting boys be boys but this doesn't seem the same to me. My son loves to jump from monkey bars, climb trees, wrestle, and swordfight with the best of them. He shakes off minor injuries and moves on. Now that he's gotten older though i've seen him being outright bullied physically by older kids, lies made up about him (while I'm standing there watching--some kids aren't too bright), and parents who seem oblivious or simply allow it to happen. Im torn about stepping in and stopping it. I finally yelled at a neighbor kid, in front of his mom, because he kept pushing my son down and wouldn't let him get up. He had previously been told to leave my house because he got a running start, with rage in his eyes, and slammed my son up against a wall. They were not play fighting, this was an out of the blue attack. My son didn't see him coming and slammed his head against the wall. Is that normal? I'm at a loss here. Any thoughts?
Posted in Boys, Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
Wow! My heart breaks reading this! How can people be so cruel? And why? Questions that will never be answered. My only thought is to pray for them. Those poor kids are going to grow up into some kind of adult! I feel bad for them. They are obviously full of sadness and anger, because, and I have told my son this, when people feel angry or hurt, they tend to try to make the people around them feel the same way.
I just don't know about parents today! They completely baffle me! But then, they probably aren't too different from the parents of yesterday or tomorrow. People learn how to parent from their own parents.
We were at the community pool, where my son was splashing a woman sitting on the edge of the pool (he was sternly scolded and reprimanded for this!), when she told her two sons to dunk my son. My son, who can't swim, who was smaller than them, and outnumbered! I confronted the woman, believe it or not, I maintained my temper and was calm and polite. I asked her not to ask her sons to dunk mine, and I apologized for my son's behavior. She glared at me for at least half an hour. Then she went to sulk on her towel in the grass.
Some people are just miserable, their lives are out of wack, and I really just don't think they know which end is up! I say pray for them.
Posted by: Monique | June 16, 2007 1:11 PM
Oh! my dear, no!
This may be normal boy behavior, but it is NOT acceptable.
I have six sons. They are all aggressive quite naturally and while their father encourages rough house and play fights, they are severely reprimanded for anything that smacks of bullying, and severely punished if it happens more than once.
Play fighting, I think, is a necessary part of boyhood. Boys need their good-guy-bad-guy action or they don't learn to be heroes. Modern culture keeps taking away our bad guys--and with them the good guys. I mean, look what they did to Yosemite Sam, fer corn's sake...he's been neutered!
As a mother of so many boys, I feel like I've seen it all, but they still challenge me--they are designed that way. I have to love them quietly when they do. I keep my apron on and my eyes peeled and they know to watch their step.
Boys can get out of hand fast. The training is relentless, but so is the joy.
It sounds like these mothers in this group have let the training go. They obviously want their son's goodwill at the expense of their good behavior.
I hope it doesn't sound like I know all about raising boys...dear me, no! I too scared to brag. I'm in the midst of so much teenage-boy angst that I'm taking out some boot camp brochures I got from a friend in the military, and looking greedily at the drill sergeant. I also have a 12 year old with the body of a Chicago Bears linebacker and a temperament to match...I could go on, but I'll spare you. I just want you to know I've been there; will be there again; and will keep learning same as you. But, I don't accept the behavior of those boys who are bullying your son. They should be dealt with. You may have to be the parent for those kids sometimes and get a reputation as the 'strict' mom. That's okay, it passes and you may find a blessing in it all.
If not...well, find other kids for your son to have regular interaction...er, FUN, with. Boys know how to have fun when their manners are intact.
While I know, as a mother, the hardest thing is to see the inevitable knock-downs your sons have to take...they don't need to take them all the time.
I once took my six year old to a new park and these two brothers bullied him and pushed him down because he wanted to play. Same scenario you described. I went to the boys with my son beside me and asked them why they were hitting and pushing, because he just wanted to play with them. I told them how few friends there are in the world, and they'd better make them now...I think I just talked them to death.
The parents came over and joined in, but at that point everyone was tired of the confrontation, so I told the boys to shake hands and they started over and actually did play ball together.
Sorry, it may not be the best advice--but, I remember those boys' faces during the talk...they really wanted to do better. They were practically begging me to show them how to be good. The parents just didn't have a clue or didn't care...it happens all the time.
It's hard to find friends these days. Everyone is so careful, so afraid. I'll pray that the Lord sends a true friend to your son, because he needs that 'iron' to sharpen him. And it will happen.
I hope this helped. God Bless you! :)
Posted by: Julia | June 16, 2007 2:10 PM
I'm the mother of a kid much like the first one, and the seen other kids treat my boys like the second one.
As for the mom who sent your son home since they didn't want to play, I would try to use it as a 'teaching' moment. "Not everyone has good manners, not everyone thinks of others first, but in our family, this is how we act." It is appalling that an adult would be that thoughtless to a child!
I've also made requirements that when those children want to play with mine, they have to play at my house (and sometimes, I require that they play inside, in the same room as I am in.)
As for the first mother, with the aggressive son, he might be a bully in training, or there might be something else going on. I would err on the side of charity, and speak to her (or perhaps the entire mother's group) about thoughts, ideas, and strategies to make a play group less stressful for the kids. My boy would play fine one on one, but turn into a total hoodlum if overwhelmed. He didn't know how to process that many social cues all at once, so he would lash out. Going places where I knew there was a private corner I could take him to bring him 'down', or more structured activities, or certain kinds of snacks (protein based, not sugar based), would make all the difference. So you might address it on a general level, to find out what each individual family needs to have a great time and work out some compromises.
You should definitely step in when you see any kind of bullying, when the kids are this young. They look to adults to confirm what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. Obviously, you can't discipline someone else's child, but you can make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable - "If you continue to say things that aren't true/hit/call names/etc., then we won't play with you."
Posted by: Milehimama | June 16, 2007 2:21 PM
Wow. It sounds like you have a very precious little boy. You are absolutely not being overly sensitive. I have seen exactly what you are talking about and am baffled by the poor way that most adults handle it. As a teacher I had ZERO tolerance for the kind of behavior you are describing. After the first 2 or 3 weeks of school my own class always learned that we DO NOT treat others with disrespect in the way we talk, look, listen or touch and I very rarely had problems within my class. If a child from another class was treating one of my kiddos that way on the playground I gave it the 5 second rule. I would wait about 5 seconds to see if the other teacher would respond appropriately and then I would step in very firmly and decisively. The other teacher would often follow my lead in how to deal with the situation. I am a parent now but my daughter is a baby and we haven't dealt with this yet. When we do I plan to handle it the same way. My girl will get maximum consequences for treating others with disrespect. If she is being treated with disrespect and another parent isn't stepping in then I will and if it makes them mad c’est la vie.
As far as your boy’s sweet heart the best thing I can think of is:
1) Talking with him about how because of sin in this world many children don't have someone who will teach them how to be respectful. It is not because there is something wrong with him that they won't play. It is because there is something wrong inside of them and praying for them is the best course of action. At the same time this does not excuse them and they will not be allowed to treat him that way. Make a plan of action together for if it happens again. If necessary make a plan of action with the other adults involved. Do not allow them to downplay it. It might even be best to remove yourselves permanently from the situation.
2) Have regular times scheduled when he has "safe" and courteous friends to play with and remind him of these special friends who love him in the down times. Pray for friends like this for him if he doesn't have any now. Prayer is powerful and as a Junior High student dealing with these same issues I saw my own Mother’s prayer for good and godly friends for me answered in a wonderful way.
Posted by: Keri L | June 16, 2007 3:41 PM
This is NOT normal. Although I agree that it's wonderful to be the safe house in the neighborhood and it's a fantastic way to show God's love to the neighborhood, as in any part of life, there has to be boundaries. Accidents happen but deliberately hurting someone else requires action. It may be that some children need to be banned from your house or even banned from your life. Your job as a mother is to protect your children. If you as an adult choose to accept bullying from another adult (not that you are)that's your choice but your child looks to you for protection; sometimes we need to step in and make that choice for them.
It sounds like you are a loving, caring mother who wants to let her son experience life and boyhood but are a bit confused as to where to set the boundaries. We have rules at our house that in a group setting, we don't exclude. In the case of out of control children though, I'd have to make an exception. Frankly, I'm a little bold and if I see a child excluding someone else, I will guage the temperment of the mothers involved and either choose to have my child leave that situation or step in myself and matter of factly tell them that we don't exclude.
Sometimes, though, I have to explain to my children that the other child was very unfortunately not taught to take other people's feelings into account, but we do.
I'm sorry, I've written a book here. After 19 years of raising 5 children, I have a much more solid idea of what is acceptable behavior involving my children and others. Please don't think I don't have to call my children down or that I think I've got it all worked out. I will say, I am constantly evaluating situations in light of scripture.
Joni in KS
Posted by: Joni Evans | June 16, 2007 3:51 PM
I am so sorry this is happening to your son. It's even harder when you have recently moved and are trying desperately to find friends for your child. One thing that stood out to me in your email was when you said that you are teaching your son that we let in whoever knocks on the door asking to play. Since he is only 4 you have a few years left before you'll have to set up more strict boundaries. But, I want to encourage you that YOU are the parent. Right now YOU choose the friends for your child. You seek them out and you are deliberate about helping to build a connection between them. Please do not just leave this to chance and let your son build heart ties with children he shouldn't. Now is when he can begin to learn the skills necessary to draw near to the good and to shun evil. Pray for your son, and most of all use this "friendless" time to your advantage. Build your relationship with your son and between him and his father. Those ties are not easily broken.
Posted by: Kristin | June 16, 2007 7:24 PM
I wish I had been at home in Providence when you were in Boston. I would have driven up to meet you! I was so bummed when I realized I would be out of town just when you were coming to New England. I've been in Kansas City for the National Right to Life Convention this week as the new work-from-home Education Director for RI Right to Life. I'm hoping to talk our executive director into having you up to speak some time. : )
Posted by: Becky Miller | June 16, 2007 10:12 PM
Thank you to all of you!!! Your thoughts and stories make me feel sooo much better. It has been a few weeks since the last incident. The family came back for this weekend and my son said to me "Can we go down and play with them mom? I think they'll be nice now." So sweet. We went down for a little while and the kids where nice this time. I had told him though that if the kids where mean we were leaving immediately.
I did use the opportunity to teach him that sometimes people are just not nice and I don't know why their mommies let them act that way. I took him home, put his swim trunks on, and went to the lake. He was playing with a little boy who had an inflatable boat. The boy told my son that he was done playing with it and was going to put it away now. I told Gabe to get out and let the boy put it away. The boy's grandmother came running down the sand and told her grandson to put that raft back in the water because my son wanted to play with it. She scolded him that if he was going to bring toys he was going to share or she'd throw them away. I thought my heart was going to pop! I thanked God right then for that family and the way they're raising their children. I also thanked the grandmother and the mother. They looked at me a little funny so I'm sure I gushed a bit too much. Sometimes, though, you just feel like a lone fish swimming up stream when teaching morals and values to your kids.
We have been using this time to do fun stuff as a family. We go to the lake or just play baseball in the parking lot. We're checking out churches and have started swim lessons so he is getting some interaction with other kids. He has a younger sister who's 2 and they are learning to play together really well because they're all they've got right now! I think that's a good thing.
Let me say I love getting parenting advice this way. I've never been much of a parenting book reader--except for Dare to Discipline and The Little Boy Book. Oh and the five love languages for children. I prefer to get my advice from other experienced moms. Relatives, moms with really great kids, moms with lots of kids---those are my main sources. So thank you all again. I've only got littles so I'm certainly learning as we go! Your advice confimed a lot of what I already felt in my gut but also gave me lots to think about.
Posted by: Alison | June 16, 2007 10:51 PM
My kiddos are still quite young (a toddler and a baby) so I haven't dealt with such situations as a parent yet, but I have over 12 years of daycare and church children's programs experience and often have to address bullying. Something I've found helpful when a child is mistreating another is to calmly say, " I wouldn't let Gabe treat you that way and you're not going to treat him that way. We give each other respect." Or when one boy is being too rough, point out, "Hey Bobby, you hear Gabe yelling Stop (or Get off me, etc..,)? He's not having fun anymore." Then suggest a different activity. Re: the shunning- Are there no other boys for you to suggest your son befriend? Perhaps you should discuss why he is attracted to certain people. I know some kids crave interaction with others so much that a mean friend is better than no friends. That's where lots of prayer and seeking out good friends for your child becomes necessary. Lastly, often if an adult gets involved in the playing in simple ways like asking, "Can you cross the monkey bars before I count to 10?"other kids will join in and that breaks up cliques. (It helps to be real animated and sound like you are having a blast!) Just a few suggestions- hopefully they will give you more ideas.
Posted by: purebiillow | June 17, 2007 10:53 PM
