July 17, 2007 11:34 AM
Is fulfillment the purpose of marriage?
Dear Barbara,
Hi, my name is Shauna and I live in Kansas with my husband and our four children. We have been married five years and have a sort of blended family. My mother and I were foster parents (I was a social worker before staying home with our kids) and were fostering a set of twins (9 months old when Troy and I married) and their older sisters. When we married Troy and I brought the twins home the day after we returned from our honeymoon. We have since adopted our twins, Emily and Elijah, who will be six in August. We also have two biological children, Sheridan who is almost 4 and Brinkley who is 2. We have also continued (on and off) to foster an additional eight children over the past 4 years. We will be taking a break to regroup and focus more on our own family once a placement is found for our foster daughter with her younger brother. Anyway, I am writing to you to ask a few questions.
How do you find time, particularly when your kids were younger, to make your husband feel special, wanted, and appreciated? And when did you decide that you were ready to adopt another child? Did either one of you have any reservations about adopting again? (an example such as having enough time to work with another special needs child? Or concerned that your other children may struggle with another child taking away your time and energy?) I realize these may seem kind of personal, but I am really trying my best to learn from others examples so that I can best meet the needs of my family. I pray that you God can use you to shed some light on these areas. Thanks so much for your time! I hope you don’t mind the questions.
God bless,
Shauna
In some ways, I may not be the best person to answer this as Tripp and I have a somewhat unusual, old-fashioned idea of marriage being about working together to bring up the next generation. I often reflect on the fact that married couples in the Bible probably had little time and gave little thought to the Romance Factor in their marriages. I really think that's a modern phenomenon of our way-too-comfortable materialistic and me-centered culture.
I've actually been meaning to write about this as the Washington Post published an article July 1 called To Be Happy in Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required. This statement stunned me:
Asked about the purpose of marriage, for example, Americans said by a nearly 3-to-1 ratio that it is the "mutual happiness and fulfillment" of adults rather than the "bearing and raising of children."
Here’s how it begins:
To Be Happy In Marriage, Baby Carriage Not Required
By Donna St. GeorgeChildren rank as the highest source of personal fulfillment for their parents but have dropped to one of the least-cited factors in a successful marriage, according to a national survey to be released today.
In a study that shows how separately marriage and children are viewed, Americans expressed great passion for their sons and daughters but clearly did not see them as the glue of their adult relationships.
On a list of nine contributors to success in marriage, children were trumped by faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship, household chore-sharing, economic factors such as adequate income and good housing, common religious beliefs, and shared tastes and interests, the nonprofit Pew Research Center found.
"Marriage today, like the rest of our lives, is about personal satisfaction," said Andrew J. Cherlin, a sociology and public policy professor at Johns Hopkins University, noting that there are mixed consequences for the changing views of marriage.
"It allows us to grow and change throughout our lives, and most Americans value that," Cherlin said. "On the other hand, our relationships are much more fragile, because we think we should leave them if they become unsatisfying."
Read the rest here.
I think Cherlin’s got it right: when the goal of partners going into marriage is “mutual happiness and fulfillment” then it does indeed seem logical to leave when the going gets tough. And that was the impetus which drove no-fault divorce and the philosophy that’s “it’s better for the kids.”
Decades of following this destructive course have proved otherwise. Divorce – unless there is actual abuse in the home – is not better for children – as has been documented by research (see Between Two Worlds: The Inner Life of Children of Divorce)
Marriage is, indeed, all about kids. But currently, mainstream Christianity seem sot have forgotten that – which may be why their divorce rate is no different than the national average.
Tripp and I came into our marriage as two people who’d been wounded by divorce and runaway dads (meaning dads who didn’t stay consistently involved in our lives). With no moral compass, we were pretty lost souls. I’d been married and divorced myself, and a single mother for five years. Both of us had also engaged in serious self-indulgence and saw what a dead end self-centeredness can be.
We were ready for a change. We were ready to take our lives seriously and to put serving others before serving ourselves. So from the get-go we just were not part of that 3-1 “mutual happiness and fulfillment” crowd.
So Tripp and I probably don’t work much at making each other feel special, wanted or appreciated. But I think in some ways we don’t need that because of our situation with our children – where there are so many needs to meet – and our security in the fact that we are doing what God has asked us to do eliminates our need for affirmation from outside ourselves.
As far as deciding when we were going to add another child, we really didn’t go into analysis, thinking-about-the-future mode when we were called to adopt the our second and third special needs kids – we just tried to be obedient to God’s call. That said, we did spend six months in 2003 considering whether to adopt an eight year old orphan with Down syndrome from Korea and decided that we couldn’t stretch that far. To this day, I still don’t know whether we did the right thing or not.
I think when there are so many children out there who need a home and God has opened your heart to provide all you can, it may require more discernment – just because there is so much need. It sounds like you and your husband are involved in much more self-sacrifice than anyone reading this post - or my writing it - could possibly fathom. But who is anyone else to know what God's call is on your marriage or your life?
And I guess that that's a bottom line for me: that our marriages are not about us but about God's vision for what He wants to accomplish through them.
I believe there are a lot of couples called to adopt who think about it too much and then decide it's not for them. Like I said, there is SO much need - and we don’t come any closer to meeting that need when we absorb the message of our culture that marriage is all about us. It’s not about us at all. Never has been and never will be.
Keep up the good work! You will find joy there! Wasn't Mother Teresa one of the most joyful individuals you would ever want to meet? In losing our lives, we find them.
But do take a break and regroup as God leads you. And make the most of whatever moments you and your husband have. I always remember that for everything there is a season. In this season of our lives, Tripp and I are raising children. A season will come when we will maybe be able to travel together. I have no doubts that all will be well. He is still my best friend.
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Comments
Thank you so much for writing that about marriage. I was *so* lost when my daughter was born, I was afraid that I was ruining my marriage because my infant was taking 150% of my time and attention, not to mention recovering from childbirth at the same time. All I could remember people saying was, make sure God was #1, husband #2, then the kids, and here I was feeding the baby about 23 hours a day, and attempting to recover by laying in bed. Sure, I prayed, but I wasn't even getting to the laundry room for a set-aside time ;) And my husband? I felt so much guilt because I put him on the back burner, I felt like I had my priorities so mixed up and I didn't know how to fix it. It's been 10 months and we're finally all worked out, but wow, I was confused at first!
Posted by: Cara | July 17, 2007 1:03 PM
Once again my lovely wife, you "have made the complex understandable." As it says in 1 Samuel 15:22..."it is better to obey, than sacrifice." If we obey first, of course the sacrifice comes after,(which God gives us strength and wisdom to work through.)If we think about the sacrifice we are going to make, then we are deciding if we want to obey....Who is on the throne of our life then? I'm grateful that I married someone who was willing to "bite off more than we could chew" and then learn how to chew it....Our Father has always taken care of us, hasn't He! I must say that you are my best friend too....I'm excited to grow old with you...you are aging better than I am! It isn't every man that has a wife that gets prettier as she gets older!
Posted by: Tripp | July 17, 2007 1:28 PM
Okay, Barbara - keep him! :)
I'm glad you're talking about this, too. I've been aching to do so - but am in the midst of moving my family of 9 (and am pregnant with baby number 8) across country and life is too insane to attempt anything extra other than a few spare minutes of reading other people's blogs! :)
I loved what you had to say. I would only add that: If you are married to your best friend, you bond, romance, and enjoy each other in the midst of your children. Your children aren't necessarily separated from your romance - they are a part of it and a result of it. (That doesn't mean horrible displays of affection :) just that it is good for kids to see their parents being kind, respectful, fun, loving toward each other. It will give them something to live up to in their own relationships.
When the kids are little, they can go to bed early and mom and dad can have plenty of time. When they are bigger - they can go to bed at a decent time and read. There are options!
The thing is, as Christians we need to stop seeing children as our "enemy." I think we are told by psychologists and magazines that focusing on our children can steal our marriage relationships - and I don't see that. It takes putting away the attitude that they are a burden, and getting creative with how we spend time together. It takes a denial of focus on ourselves - our time, our rights - and enjoyment the family as a whole.
It's funny - and people sometimes can't believe it - but my husband and I are better friends and more loving and more committed now (with almost 8 kids and a crazy, crazy life) then when we were newlyweds with no children for 3 years. Married love just gets better and better.
Posted by: Holly | July 17, 2007 5:00 PM
There is a book pseudo-related to this topic (I haven't read it yet but it's on my reading list): Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (I think it is).
It asks the question, "Is marriage to make us Happy or to make us Holy?" That much alone should give us something to think about.
Posted by: Amy Jane | July 17, 2007 6:16 PM
Barbara- I loved your post, and may I back it up with some scripture?
And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
I liked this quote from you, Barbara:
And I guess that that's a bottom line for me: that our marriages are not about us but about God's vision for what He wants to accomplish through them
Sooooooo true! Currently, my DH and I are praying about some issues where we are not entirely on the same page, but I trust that God is in control. :) It is interesting to me how one person in a marriage can feel led to make a decision(s) that the other partner has no desire for........God has encouraged me though, he spoke to me and said: " Do you trust me?" That is all he said, so I trust he will work it all out! I love my Dh dearly, and I feel God's peace as we work through these issues.
Once again my lovely wife, you "have made the complex understandable." As it says in 1 Samuel 15:22..."it is better to obey, than sacrifice."
Great scripture from Tripp
Thank you, Barbara for all that you do :)
Posted by: Lisa | July 17, 2007 7:08 PM
On a related note, many of us don't give our mates the type of affection that is most important to them. With more people in the house I need to be more targeted in how I show love to my husband and my kids. I have 2 kids who crave physical touch. A hug a day (or more) keeps them feeling loved. Another needs words of love or praise. Still another craves gifts. My husband needs time with me. Now that I know that I can be sure to give the hugs and words to the kids. I present things I would have bought anyway as gifts ie. I knew you love raspberries, so I bought an extra basket just for you or look I found the crayons you need at the store. When my husband is home I try to be doing things in the same area of the house as he is ie. while he is paying the bills, I might be sorting laundry in the same room or even reading a book or doing a puzzle with one of the kids. From long time reading of her blog, Barbara needs acts of service. That is how she prefers to show love and how she most easily receives love. I often wish we had one of those in our house. After almost 20 years of marriage, I think I am doing better showing and receiving love now then I did the first 10 years when it was just my husband and I. Spend time where it counts and ask for what you need and ask what your husband would like most: Service, Words, Touch, Time or Gifts.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | July 17, 2007 10:55 PM
Way to go Tripp! And may I borrow the quote: behind a great woman there is a great man!.
I too agree with your opinion that nowadays most people marry for the wrong reasons. I think a great contributing factor to rampant divorce is the belief that everyone is disposable. As long as you are making me happy...so-to-say.
Unfortunately we have bought into Hollywood's idea of romance, and lets just face it, real life is not like that.
How or when to make your husband feel special, wanted and aprecciated? Everyday, every time you see him, every time you are in the same room, every night when you are serving dinner for the entire family, every night when he is helping out with bedtime....every day, every night, all the time.
If we are always waiting for "the perfect time" when the house is quiet, clean, and peaceful, the kids are in bed and there is soft music playing and the scent of candles is invading the air.....well, we might have to wait for a looooong time.
Posted by: LadyLovas | July 18, 2007 9:32 AM
Excellent post! I've been thinking about this lately too. I linked to this post in my entry today.
I think you would really enjoy reading (and recommending to young couples) the book "More Than You and Me" by Kevin and Karen Miller. It's the best marriage book my husband and I have ever read. It takes such a fresh approach to marriage - it says that the best way to grow in your marriage is not to focus inward, but to focus outward. Serving others together, having a common goal of fulfilling the vision God's given you and your spouse, is the best way to strengthen your marriage.
Posted by: Becky Miller | July 18, 2007 10:12 AM
I'm wondering if Tripp would accompany you on another trip to MD and we can do a couple's thing with our church. Have you two ever done that? We did it once at our old church in NH and it was wonderful. This is just a thought I didn't present to anyone but you yet. Let me know if I should/could look into it further.
J
Posted by: janet | July 18, 2007 10:37 PM
Thank you for this post!! Just this last week my husband has been approaching adoption with more sincerity. I truly TRULY see God's desire for these orphans placed deeply upon my hubby's heart...i see it in his eyes when he speaks of them. (in fact Barbara, he told me i needed to write to you and "pick your brain" about the adoption process lol!) and lo and behold, here is this article!
very timely indeed as I have been a bit more "hesitant" than my hubby....a bit more fearful, "will i truly be able to love an adopted child as my own? and what about the costs? holy cow it is expensive! and which agency and who will work with military and with us being overseas?" and just as Lisa wrote, I got the same "answer" in my prayers last night. "Trust me." so...I am not sure where this will lead us, but it is exciting, in a "scarey-rollercoaster-drop-exhileration" type of way lol...
did you ever feel nervous Barbara? did you ever have these same concerns? or emotions? It is so obvious the intense love you feel for your adopted boys...maybe I am just being silly...
thanks for this post! and Tripp is an awesome man! (why doesn't he comment more often? does he have a blog of his own? he should!!) again, wish i was stateside to attend a "marriage conference" with the Curtis's!! *wiggles eyesbrows*
kristy in England
Posted by: kristy | July 19, 2007 3:05 AM
Barbara,
Thanks for your words of wisdom on this topic. I have long felt that our society has been so selfish in all relationships. Whether it's marriage, relationships with children, friendships etc. It seems to be all about 'what does this relationship do for me'.
There are some ways that we are truly different than society was 100's of years ago, or even 100 years ago. You said:
I often reflect on the fact that married couples in the Bible probably had little time and gave little thought to the Romance Factor in their marriages. I really think that's a modern phenomenon of our way-too-comfortable materialistic and me-centered culture.
Back in Bible times and even just a century ago, many couples worked together and were highly involved in each other's daily lives to a level that we aren't today. It used to be that husband and wife worked side-by-side on a daily basis, supporting each other and their family by working together and interacting much more closely than we do as couples today. Today many husbands and wives go their separate ways during the day, coming back together to parent and care for household duties in the very few hours left to them at the end of the day. In that way I think that relationships have become more lonely. I agree that in Bible times I don't think that the 'romance factor' was a focus at all. But now we need to care for each other's needs in a more deliberate way. It's still a giving and sacrificing...there shouldn't be a selfish motive behind our focus on our relationship. But I feel that it takes a little more work now because of the pace and busyness of life. I really believe that a strong marriage relationship is important for our children's health and well-being. I don't see my focus on our marriage relationship as being selfish or self-centered. I actually see it as a function of a healthy and God-centered family.
My husband and I happen to be very affectionate and we still, after 19 years, hug and kiss in front of our children. Every day. They say 'ewwww, PG, PG' which stands for 'parental gushiness'. But they love it.
Anyway, I got too long-winded, but thanks again for your words. I appreciate your wisdom.
Posted by: Beckie | July 19, 2007 10:45 AM
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Someone already mentioned this book, but I had to mention it again as I HAVE begun to read it (at my husbands urging=)) and my husband and I agree that it is the single most influential book on marriage that we have ever read. He started it and then suggested that I read it too as he was enjoying it so much. We like to read books together and talk about them, and this season in our life has brought several troubled couples to us for lay counseling. This book has shaped both our counsel and strengthened our own marriage!!
I heartily recommend this book to everyone!!
Posted by: Phyllis | July 19, 2007 10:26 PM
