August 31, 2007 11:07 PM
Update from KS Milkmaid - Domestic violence in Christian homes
I talked to KS Milkmaid last weekend for an hour. Things are rough for her, and we need to remember to pray. It is terrible the way our criminal justice system places the victim on trial in cases of abuse or rape - it's truly like a second round of abuse.
We talked about the Mary Winkler case - you know, the one where the wife who murdered her husband got off with so little time. Christina's perspective is different than my spontaneous judgment and based on more experience than mine.
Although I suffered abuse as a child in a foster home, I have never been abused as an adult and can't even imagine it. My reaction to being a young victim was to become tougher and stronger so it would never happen again. I guess that worked for me. But I don't think it's the most common reaction.
Christina explained the power of the abuser to make a woman feel worthless and powerless. The degradation and the psychological isolation and the resulting craziness the woman can experience. She related it to being brainwashed in a cult - which helped me understand since I did spend 18 months before 1990 in a cultlike church.
The saddest thing is when church people turn on an ex-member and use her past - including sins long ago repented of - to ruin her current character. It's like a second round of rape and abuse. Shame on believers who act as though God's forgiveness is something that they themselves have the power to bestow and to take away! Christina is having to endure the false judgment and hostility of the members of the church she used to attend - including the very people to whom she looked for help when the abuse escalated and who only told her to go back and try harder to be a good wife.
If there is anyone out there who is in a Christian marriage that has turned abusive, I urge you to get help immediately. If your pastor or elders tell you to go back and be a better wife, go outside your church for help.
Although I am in full understanding of the biblical model of submission within marriage, I do not support any church which uses that model as a mandate to send a woman back to an abusive relationship. That is just plain wrong. If you are abused and your church is not helping you, seek secular help. Batterers rarely change. And I don't care how much God hates divorce, He loves you and he does not want you to be with someone who cannot be trusted not to harm you. I hope you hear that loud and clear.
Find help now:
Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships - Read this site to gain some objective understanding of the cycle of abuse that keeps women locked in, including this diagram:
The Silent Epidemic - from Today's Christian Woman magazine
Domestic Violence Hotline - a 24-hour phone line you can call to get started on the path to recovery.
In the meantime, here is Christina's brief update on where her case stands:
The preliminary hearing began on August 13. Because it was scheduled late in the afternoon, there was not enough time to have all of the testimony presented. Andrew, the oldest child, testified about the abuse he endured. He did remarkably well despite the fact that attempts were made by his father to humiliate him in front of a large group of people who are showing up from Brian’s church. Andrew embraced the notion that he is a new creation in Christ and is forgiven. The calm and peace he showed during his testimony can only be explained by the prayers of many.
On September 11 beginning at 9:00 a.m the rest of the evidence will be heard and a decision will be made if there is enough evidence to bind Brian over for a jury trial. The judge set the entire day aside to hear the testimonies. It will be a long and difficult day. The divorce action filed by Brian right now is partially stayed. That means he can not go completely forward with the divorcing Christina until the trial is over. However, the divorce lawyer has been added to the criminal defense team. Efforts are being made to collect information through the divorce to build a defense for Brian. When the defense is weak, attempts are made to attack the credibility of the witnesses. This is no exception. Slander, gossip and cruel prejudgment are apart of what Christina and her children are facing daily in their local community. Some locally have used the internet to attack Christina further. Perhaps, the most discouraging is that some of these attacks come from people who associate themselves with Christ. The family requests continued prayers as they ready for the September 11 hearing and as they face continued attacks levied against them. The hearing is just two weeks away.
I wish Christina could say more publicly, but that will have to wait. I know that God will use this experience to enable her to help others. This is a problem that the church needs desperately to address.
Posted in KS Milkmaid | Permalink
Comments
And I don't care how much God hates divorce, He loves you and he does not want you to be with someone who cannot be trusted not to harm you. I hope you hear that loud and clear.I couldn't agree more.
Posted by: Chief Family Officer | September 1, 2007 12:27 AM
Christina, I'm still praying for you and your children! Thinking about you lots.
((HUGE HUG))
Posted by: Jeannine | September 1, 2007 4:02 AM
Barbara,
We will be praying for Christina and her family! Thank you for posting this. I grew up in an extremely violent home, as a child, I watched and endured much abuse. My heart go out to Christina's children.
I agree with you concerning the church, they don't know how to deal with extreme abuse. Unfortunately for my family, we ended up in an abusive church for 11 years. You are right in comparing abuse in the home to abuse in the church. They both make you feel powerless and degraded. As our family heals, I see so many similarities between what happened to me as a child and what happened to me as an adult.
Thanks for your insight!
Posted by: Tonya | September 1, 2007 11:52 AM
That was my response as a child, too, Barbara. Somehow, I knew within that the abuser was wrong, and that he shouldn't have done what he did to me (sexual abuse and violence with threats of more harm if I told.) I never told as a child, out of fear, but I grew up knowing that no man would ever treat me poorly again.
But I've seen the other side, too, been friends and counseled young girls who had been abused, and their response was not the same as mine. Their response was such fear and self-loathing. It did not make them stronger, initially at least. (I believe in the long run it will.)
I think it is an entirely different story when the abuse takes place as a grown-up, and when the grown up is trying so hard to please her husband and God, and is listening to church leaders who equate her submission to the abuser with submission to God. There are some deep psychological/religious things going on in those instances that I have not experienced - but it is very real I believe. It's a horrible travesty when a church will not listen to the abused - and instead tell them to go home and take more of the same.
Many prayers are being sent up from this direction for Chris and the kids.
Posted by: Holly | September 1, 2007 12:19 PM
I dropped out of the blog world for while and evidently, I missed some details..
Last I read, Christine's husband was diagnosed w/ cancer and she was going to have to take care of him and run the farm. I remember it well, because I mentioned to my husband that we should try to send $$. When did their family go from a cancer case to a court case?
I am praying for Christine and her children, even though I was surprised by this. I have recently been learning more about the presence of domestic abuse in the church through a friend of mine who threw me the curve ball, "I am leaving my husband." Evidently, he has been abusive through out their entire marriage...
Posted by: Phyllis | September 1, 2007 12:42 PM
I appreciate you keeping us updated and I have been praying for Christina and her family. It hurts especially to see how often churches fail to do their job in situations like this. (Something I have also seen happen.)
I'm wondering what you mean by "putting the victims on trial," though. My best guess is that you're referring to the Constitutional right to face your accuser, and possibly also the right to remain silent--rights that all criminal defendants have.
Yes, it's unthinkably more difficult for a victim of rape or abuse to get on the stand than the victim of corporate fraud. But is there a workable alternative?
Judges and juries are not God, already knowing who is right and wrong. They have to hear both sides. Allowing anonymous or unsubstantiated accusations as a basis for criminal charges would provide even more opportunity for the wicked to harass the innocent--and this time with the entire justice system of the state working for them. I think we've all heard stories of false accusations of child abuse being used in this way.
If it seems like our system favors the accused, it's because the accused has the most to lose and a very, very high chance of losing it. Prosecutors don't pursue cases they can't win.
I know very bad things are happening here. But I don't think it's the fault of our justice system, any more than the institution of marriage is responsible for domestic abuse. I think it's the fault of a wicked man and his hired guns using a good system to continue the abuse.
I'd love to hear your further thoughts on this.
Posted by: Queen of Carrots | September 1, 2007 2:03 PM
Queen of Carrots, I don't think it's just about the right of the accused to face their accuser or the right to remain silent. I think it's more about the tendency of some defendants and their lawyers to drag up a victim's entire past and every wrong they ever committed, no matter how irrelevant, to take focus off of the issue at hand. It's a smoke screen.
Posted by: Michelle | September 1, 2007 3:32 PM
I've had Christina in my prayers for months now...I imagine she is having such a difficult time. The Bible is clear on divorce, only allowing for it because of unfaithfulness. However, that does not mean that anyone needs to or should stay in an abusive relationship. A good pastor should counsel anyone being abused to get away from them and pray for the abuser's true conversion. I do believe that divorce is a sin but not one that can't be forgiven and honestly if I was in Christina's place I can't say I wouldn't do the exact same thing.
Posted by: Kim | September 3, 2007 10:08 AM
There was a book I read that in a few simple paragraphs helped me to finally see my situation clearly: there are good guys and bad guys. All of the marital advice/be a better wife/submit to your husband, only works if he is basically a good guy who happens to be, as we all are, flawed. BUT, if he's an alcoholic or physically or emotionally abusive, then you will often need outside help or to leave the marriage.
It was wonderful to finally realize that my imperfections as a wife did NOT make my husband an alcoholic or abuser.
Yes, God hates divorce...and if I hear of one more woman who left a good, decent guy because she was bored or "it just wasn't there anymore," I will scream... especially as I know what many, many women have put up with/suffered in order to "save" their marriages. Amen Barbara; God hates divorce, but he loves us as individuals MORE.
Posted by: Marie | September 3, 2007 12:47 PM
