October 25, 2007 6:29 AM
Do mothers of big families and/or kids with special needs face more judgment?
You know those Life Comes At You Fast commercials? They could have been written with moms in mind.
Last week my travels got me behind. This week, it's my life as mommy. Took Jesse and Justin for their check ups yesterday with the most wonderful pediatrician in the world (at least that's what I call her - I hope you can call your pediatrician that too!) She really spends her time with us and I always feel like our family - and each of our children really matter. She grew up with a brother with special needs and so she truly understands. And she keeps up with the latest research on Down syndrome so she knows what lab tests they need - which is how we caught Jesse's Celiac Disease even though he had no symptoms at all.
The boys each got two shots - the chicken pox booster and the flu. It is our first time getting flu shots. I didn't know which way to go with them - and my doctor frankly said she was 50/50 on whether they might be worthwhile for the boys. I do know it's harder to keep kids healthy here than it was in California because of the intense indoor period in the winter. Just like lots more insects in the summer, there are lots more germs floating around here in the winter.
Then on to the lab for blood draws. By then it was noon, so we ran errands together and came home. Tomorrow I repeat the cycle with Jonny and Daniel, though I may leave the lab for later as Daniel is too strong for me to hold during the blood draw at the lab and so Tripp will need to take off work to see that through.
Today I am off to a Wright's Law seminar. I am really looking forward to this. One of the things I want to blog about is what Eleanor Voldish said at the Monday meeting of the Down syndrome group for moms, but here's something for starters for those of you who deal with IEPs: "When they start to realize you know more about rights than they do, they show more respect."
Amen to that.
So, I really wish I could say more, but must put dinner in the crockpot (you know summer's over when the crockpot comes out!)) and get the kids out the door and scoot to the conference, which in rush hour traffic will be 90 minutes away.
One question I'd like to leave you with though - and I will publish your answers when I come home.
I have found as a mother of a big family, mother of adopted kids, and mother of kids with disabilities that my life comes under greater scrutiny than most. And I think I can say that safely as I did once have only two or three children :)
When I take my sons with Down syndrome to plays and concerts, they are generally the best behaved children in the audience - especially because we are more likely to be judged and criticized. The same has been true when all my children were little and I'd take six or seven or eight out in public. With the stigma surrounding big families, the bar for my kids' behavior was always higher.
So what do you all think - those of you with big families or from big families, or those with adopted kids or kids with special needs? Has this been your experience as well? Feel free to post this on message boards so we can get a good response - I think we'll all breathe a sigh of relief when we know we're not alone!
Will publish your answers tonight and as they come in over time. And I have some ideas about why this happens which I will share when I have more time - but feel free to post your own ideas now.
And tomorrow the article I wrote on why some evangelicals are giving up birth control will be published at Crosswalk. I will give you the link. Last chance for anyone to contribute in advance to the Full Quiver Photo Album - which will be ongoing , just as the Our Little Extras album and Mommy, Teach Me! albums.
Posted in Big families, Disabilities, Mothering, My life | Permalink
Comments
Yes, I agree, we are judged more harshly (as are our children) than others. My husband and I have 8 adopted children, 5 of whom have Down syndrome. We can see the condemnation in people's eyes, "My, don't they think they are special?" Answer--NO! I often ask my husband, "Do you see anything glamorous in my life at all?" Most of the time I have drool and baby food dripping from my hair and clothes. Glamorous? I think not. We are truly blessed however. I love my children to a depth I never imagined possible. My disabled children give SO much in return, their love is pure and limitless. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that? We have found that some people are repelled by our children because they are uncomfortable with themselves. For some reason they feel they need to "deal" with our children's disabilities and in that they find themselves lacking so they project their self doubt and disappointment in themselves onto us, the parents. Often I tell myself that this is another person's problem and has nothing to do with my children or me, however, the comments or looks often sap my energy. What helps me in these situations is to realize that some people just don't understand and I feel bad for them because, oh, what they miss. I wouldn't trade my life with a big family full of disabilities and adventure for anything. I would let someone borrow it for a few hours though.
Posted by: Brenda | October 25, 2007 9:29 AM
Great question, Barbara. I'm not a 'mom to many,' but as the daughter of parents who both came from large families (six and nine, respectively), I'm interested to hear what other readers have to say.
Posted by: KatieButler | October 25, 2007 10:23 AM
In my personal experience, I wonder if it is because we large, multi-racial families just stand out more. When we go somewhere as a family, we are always noticed. It is hard to blend in when everyone else has just one, two or maybe three children. And because we are noticed, people pay more attention to what we are doing and how the children are behaving. The type of comments I usually receive are along the lines of, "Your children are so well-behaved. I don't know how you do it, I can barely manage my two."
I think the key is that people take their own personal experience and multiply it, assuming that is what must be reality. So, a mother of two children, who are unpleasant to be around, takes those two and multiplies them. She assumes that it must be even worse, since the chaos must multiply exponentially. It's not that we are held to higher expectations, but that the public's expectations for families such as ours are significantly lower. By exceeding those low expectations, we will cause comment.
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 25, 2007 11:28 AM
As a mother of 8 (ages 23 - 10 weeks) I believe we are judged . When we go out as a group the reactions are so much different than when there are just a few children present. When there are less that 3 children a spot on the clothing or a slight outburst is just a rough day or average childhood. When all are present the attitude seems to be there are too many to properly care for so what can you expect? When we would look for rental (at only 4 kids) the expectation was we would be too rough on the home so "so sorry". How can 4 children younger than 8 be too many for a 3 bedroom home? And at the Dr.'s office...new members to the group are the worst, it seems that once I answer how many kids there are I become another *dumb* barefoot-and-pregnant hillbilly. Very frustrating. If I have been up all night with a sick child I know to make sure to dress for the office when we go to the Dr. because the attitudes and conversations are so different. It may be the same tired mommy but it seems the dressed-up one must be more intelligent. The worst was a new Dr. who hailed from New York, never did get her to realize I had a brain. My children notice too and wonder what is the matter with people. Just try a discuss large family discrimination/judgment and few take the idea seriously. Guess we aren't good sound bite, political material.
Posted by: Stephanie in AR | October 25, 2007 1:38 PM
Wow, Barbara you ought to know more than anyone what it's like to go from 2 kids to 12, and graduating to special needs children in-between.
I'd like to hear more about how you handle comments from others, and keep yourself from getting upset. That is really what it's all about, right? Keeping our responses kind, and bitterness out of our hearts........
I hope this isn't too off topic.......I don't come from a large family, and I only have 3 children so far, but I still get a lot of comments about how I " have my hands full" and a general shocked attitude from others that I would take on more than 2 children. The big one that annoys me is the fact that they are all boys. People make a big deal over the fact that I don't have a girl, and I find that rather rude, especially when it's in front of my boys.
As soon as the sonogram for #2 said boy, many people acted like my family was " missing something" for not having a girl. Now that I have 3, I often get the question: " Are you gonna try for the girl?" This question irks me so much, I want to say: " NO! we are blessed to have boys!" Usually I just say something to the affect of: " If we have another one, we will plan on either gender". When I was pregnant with the 3rd, people REALLY tried to pry about whether or not I wanted a girl. I told them that I was open to having either, but they really pushed the issue, wanting to know what I really wanted. I thought it was very rude. I even had a neighbor, who, after seeing my 3rd baby boy didn't say much about how cute he was, or even congrats. She said " Think pink next time!" I really wonder where our society is going. Not only do we believe in abortion, but if you family does not have boys and girls, somehow you are missing out on something.......I really wish people realized the value of human life, regardless of gender and the size of one's family........
I'm looking forward to the other responses about this topic.......
Posted by: Lisa | October 25, 2007 3:20 PM
I have absolutely found this to be true for our family. I have five children, and the oldest is 5 (5, 3, 2-yr. old twins, 9-mo. old). EVERYWHERE we go...church, store, dr.'s office, restaurant, health dept., etc... people go out of their way to come over to me and say, "Your children are the best children I have ever seen."
Now, I'm not naive. I know several other large families and/or families with lots of littles, and THEIR children are very well-behaved, too.
But I think it has to do with having no option! This starts at home, before we go out. One thing that has been WONDERFUL for our kids is, like it or not, they have had to learn to be other-looking. With each pregnancy, I get very sick; and the Lord has blessed them with especially tender hearts at this time. They look to see how they can help. They learn to fine-tune their ears to each other to identify when someone needs something and when they can meet that need.
Also, my husband is actively involved in our family. When he comes home from work, it would be easy (well, maybe not EASY...maybe I mean it would be TEMPTING) to tune the kids out and just chill. But he acts like he's thrilled to death to see them. They know they are loved. And when it's time to correct, he corrects swiftly and then gets back to the more fun forms of loving. And yes, we take the drastic measures at the store, in church, etc. When a child decides to throw a fit, the shopping cart is abandoned while the child is quickly removed from the store and dealt with. And then he returns to the shopping cart and we finish shopping. Do you know how often we have had to do this? Only once with two of our children. And we have never had to deal with it again!
Of course, I think it also helps to keep the children in mind as we shop ("Do you see any yellow bananas? I can't find them ANYWHERE!" [while standing right next to banana bin]), wait for a server ("I spy something sour...I spy something the same color as a young eagle's head...Watch me curl my straw wrapper up tightly and then watch what happens when droplets of water hit it"), prepare for worship...("I want you to tap my leg or make a mark on your paper each time you hear Pastor say the word, 'Jesus' [or 'Smyrna' or 'Abraham' or whatever]...Let's go say hi to the Washingtons...Mr. Washington is the one whose hip we have been praying for...see if you can smile and look in his eyes this time.")
And time and again, when I am stressed out or nervous over how they will behave, they amaze me with their kindness and desire to obey.
But it sure does do a heart good to hear those kind words, "You have wonderful children!" doesn't it??!!
Posted by: Rachel | October 25, 2007 3:59 PM
I just had my fourth baby a few weeks ago, but I started noticing a difference in the way we were treated in public after baby #3. With one child or two, if they misbehaved I got a lot of sympathetic looks, maybe a "he must be tired" or "they all have bad days." Now, if one of them misbehaves (which actually happens much less now), I get glares and rolled eyes.
I can't wait to read the article, BTW!
Posted by: Shannon M | October 25, 2007 4:38 PM
This IS a good question. I don't know if I am scrutinzed more or if I just perceive that I am. When we had Will (who has DS) we were members of a golf/country club. (a work related bonus for hubby). From the time Will was one, we made sure he had a chance to dine "linen tablecloth style" on a very regular basis. I think I felt as though we would be put under a manners microscope as Will got older. We wanted to get him acclimatized to formal dining as soon as possible because we feared that a manner breakdown while dining with others would somehow play into other people's low expectations of him. Will, who is now three, is a very well behaved dinner companion. He understands when I'm being firm and will adjust his behavior accordingly. It's hard to tell if I am expecting people to be more sensitive to my parenting ability and so I go to extra lengths to "cover my butt" or if I am really feeling scrutinized. To be honest, I too have felt the satisfaction of having the better behaved child.
Posted by: Kelly | October 25, 2007 4:46 PM
I completely agree that the bar for my children's behavior is higher because I know people are looking at me saying, "what a crazy woman to have so many kids." It has put pressure on me to make sure my children are well-behaved, and the pressure has been *very* hard. I walk around feeling like I'm the spokesperson for big, god-loving families, and I have wondered if that was a good thing or a bad one.
I hope other big-family mama's comment on this one. I need it.
Posted by: bonnie | October 25, 2007 6:27 PM
Sometimes I feel like my life in public is all about my kids' behavior. Maybe it's because I know in my heart I do have an agenda of a good witness for Christ, or maybe it's because I have three children in three years (and want more) and people do think I'm crazy. But I feel like I am so focused on how my children will behave and appear, it drives me nuts. Where is the line between a good, intentional witness and hypocrisy?
(Interestingly, the big Catholic families we know tend to be more rollicking and less "behaved" than the big evangelical families. Has anyone else seen that? I think it's because big evangelical families have to prove ourselves even within our own church.)
Posted by: Melissa | October 25, 2007 9:35 PM
Oh my yes. As others have said, I feel that I'm some Representative of Large Families when out with my eight. I make sure they look as adorable as we can get them and their behavior is compliment-inducing. But I definitely do this as a defense. The moment I hit public, I see glares and evil stares. There's "the count", then the looks of disgust, the whispers and the points, combined with the headshake.
I live in a very eco-conscious area - very birkenstock-y, and I think there's this perception that my family is destroying mother earth by using up more than our fair share of resources.
Posted by: kim | October 25, 2007 10:25 PM
Yes, we are scrutinized more. Homeschooling mom of a large family, one of whom is mentally retarded with some physical challenges. Guess since we are open to life we offend the sensibilities of those who believe that children are a burden, the disabled should be OOV, or better yet, just killed off before they are born. Add homeschooling and the number of kids and the comments really took off. Did I forget multi-racial? Definitely saw a change in attitude after the second child.
Posted by: Aine | October 26, 2007 1:19 AM
As a mother of seven, I can honestly say I feel not only judged but stared at, scrutinized, and pressured when I am out in public with my children. Some family members make me feel this way too. Add homeschooling into the mix and the scenarios are worse.
While out shopping last year, we were stopped by a middle aged man who asked if the children were all mine. I replied yes and he further asked if he could buy us Christmas presents. It was near Christmas at this time. I replied no thank you as we were fine.
That incident struck me as odd and made me aware that people not only judge us, but stereotype us as being poor. We aren't poor. Tight budget, but not poor.
Posted by: Laura @ Laura Williams' Musings | October 26, 2007 2:50 AM
I have heard commments from the time I had #2! Our first 2 were very close in age (14 mos. apart) and people would actually ask if they were twins! C'mon people -- one is in an infant seat and one is sitting up and talking. Go figure! Baby #3 came along when #1 and #2 were 2 1/2 and 17 mos! And, I got even more comments! We added a little girl from Russia and then had 4 under 4. As our family grew, the comments kept coming. We had another baby and adopted 3 more from Russia and Haiti over the years. Most of the time people are just amazed at how well behaved they are and comment positively. Or they want to know if they are ALL mine. The only time I got really irritated at a comment was when I had shared that some were adopted and some by birth but they were ALL mine -- and the lady pointed to one of my daughters and said "I bet that's one of the adopted ones!" I forced a smile and asked her to please stop pointing at my daughter -- but inside I was boiling! I try to maintain a positive attitude when out in public because (a) I'm a Christian and want to be Christ-like in my responses and (b) because I have an audience -- I have all my children watching and listening how I am going to handle it! Once when someone asked me which ones were adopted, I just said "Oh, we don't keep track of things like that, I love them all regardless of how they came to me." When we got outside, my oldest daughter from Russia said "Mom, I love how you handle people!" So, hopefully, my responses make a difference to my kids. I really think most people are not trying to be rude -- they are genuinely interested. It's not everyday that you see a large family, or a multi-racial family, or a family with lots of special needs kids. So, suddenly you become a celebrity! I think it's a wonderful opportunity to share the Gospel with people.
~ Beth
Posted by: Beth Byler | October 26, 2007 7:02 AM
I have heard commments from the time I had #2! Our first 2 were very close in age (14 mos. apart) and people would actually ask if they were twins! C'mon people -- one is in an infant seat and one is sitting up and talking. Go figure! Baby #3 came along when #1 and #2 were 2 1/2 and 17 mos! And, I got even more comments! We added a little girl from Russia and then had 4 under 4. As our family grew, the comments kept coming. We had another baby and adopted 3 more from Russia and Haiti over the years. Most of the time people are just amazed at how well behaved they are and comment positively. Or they want to know if they are ALL mine. The only time I got really irritated at a comment was when I had shared that some were adopted and some by birth but they were ALL mine -- and the lady pointed to one of my daughters and said "I bet that's one of the adopted ones!" I forced a smile and asked her to please stop pointing at my daughter -- but inside I was boiling! I try to maintain a positive attitude when out in public because (a) I'm a Christian and want to be Christ-like in my responses and (b) because I have an audience -- I have all my children watching and listening how I am going to handle it! Once when someone asked me which ones were adopted, I just said "Oh, we don't keep track of things like that, I love them all regardless of how they came to me." When we got outside, my oldest daughter from Russia said "Mom, I love how you handle people!" So, hopefully, my responses make a difference to my kids. I really think most people are not trying to be rude -- they are genuinely interested. It's not everyday that you see a large family, or a multi-racial family, or a family with lots of special needs kids. So, suddenly you become a celebrity! I think it's a wonderful opportunity to share the Gospel with people.
~ Beth
Posted by: Beth Byler | October 26, 2007 7:31 AM
Yes, there is a higher standard.
When I go out shopping with one adorable child, we get so many comments! "Isn't she cute! What a precious baby!" And when I have all of my children, we get stares, comments, etc."
I REALLY found it hard to be a pastor's family with a large amount of children. THEN the kids had the onus to be extra good because they were pastor's kids AND came from a large family.
Posted by: Holly | October 26, 2007 9:40 AM
My two oldest are 13 months apart and we are very often asked if they are twins. Then again, some people are oblivious - I've been out with my nephew (adopted from Korea) and had a neighbor ask if he was a twin to my daughter who is a full year older!
I feel the pressure of always having to be a 'witness' and thus feeling that I must be perfect (not gonna happen!).
I also recently found out that at my church I have been purposely not approached to help out and contribute to certain projects, ministries, etc. because I have so many children (that I can't handle it/have to much to do so don't even ask).
Then again, I think it also comes from making different choices for my children than other parents make for their families. They immediately become defensive, and then offensive, if they feel threatened by my choices. My having many children is sometimes seen as an indictment of those families who only have one or two (at our Catholic church... sometimes I get the feeling mothers who are contracepting feel I am 'holier than thou' simply by the presence of my children. Very often I am treated to an unsolicited explanation of why birth control is okay for them/self-justification - even older ladies who have clearly passed their child-bearing years!
Some of my children are homeschooled, but one is not. I get flak from the parents of public school kids; I get flak from other homeschooling parents as well. So often people see us challenging the norms and feel the need to be militant in defending their choice.
Posted by: Milehimama | October 26, 2007 3:23 PM
Along the lines of previous posters, and the idea that society's ideas about children are WAY out of whack, even *I* (mother of only 2!) get comments about how I have my hands "full of trouble." Granted, my kids are only 18 months apart (1 and 2 1/2 yrs. old), and yes, I am busy, but I can't believe that some people find it so shocking, especially since my children are sweet, well-behaved, and generally very pleasant in public (no, I'm not biased ;) And yes, they make these comments in front of my children. Moreover, I, too, got the questions about gender. When pregnant with #2, I often heard, "Maybe it will be a boy this time." What was my older daughter to think of that? And when #2 proved to be another girl, we got the "Oh, well, maybe next time" comments. I tell people, "When I get pregnant, it is because I want to have a baby. Not a BOY baby or a GIRL baby, just a baby." People are truly amazing.
Posted by: Marisa | October 26, 2007 8:25 PM
These comments are fascinating. I have to admit that I am one of the people who watches large families, multi-racial families, etc. I don't watch because I'm passing any kind of judgment, but because I wish my family could be like that. I always wanted a large family, I always wanted to adopt, but God has closed those doors, at least for now and I am content with my three children. But I am amazed at how often I get comments about having my hands full with three! It's true, my children aren't always the best behaved and I have health issues that do make this harder than it might be for other people, but still. And I remember people being aghast that I would want another child after my first two children were a boy and a girl. As if somehow having one of each "completed" my family.
I do think the standard is higher for larger families. Fair or not, in the current culture it just is that way.
Posted by: Lucy | October 26, 2007 11:11 PM
All of the above comments are so true! Yes, large families are way more judged than small families. I have 10 children, the youngest has Down Syndrome. Over the years as the children were arriving, I too got the stares and rolled eyes, and whispered comments, about being pregnant "again" and "didn't I know how that happened?" It was hard to deal with such negativity, but as the years have passed and my older children have contributed to the local high school and now as young adults to the local community, those same critical people are now seeing that hey, maybe having lots of kids wasn't such a bad thing after all! Those kids from our family are really nice people! At the parent teacher conferences this past week of my 3 elementary aged sons, each teacher told me how well behaved they are, and what sweet, kind, thoughtful, and happy young men they are. They said that they sure hope they get the next younger child in the family in their class in the coming years! It just takes some time to show others with the example of our lives that many children are truly a blessing.
At our local parish, people love to see our youngest, Samuel, who has D.S. handed from parent to older sibling and back again during Mass. The love he receives, and affection shown to each child by each sibling is a witness to the pro-life message that can never be captured on a bumper sticker.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta said that the best thing to do to end abortion was to have a large family. I didn't understand that for a long time, but now I do. Witnessing a loving, large family rubs off on others. My husband is a basketball coach and recently, one of his former players had his first child. This former player's mother told me that he wanted lots of kids like "coach" because he thought it was so great to see all those kids running around the gym while his dad coached.
I feel sorry for those who are critical, because it just shows me what small and selfish hearts they have. Most people make comments because they truly are curious about how large families manage life. Or, when someone finds out how many children there are, they are so surprised that they just say something dumb. I think that the best thing to say is something positive, or, at least smile and fake being happy at that moment even if you are feeling stressed. Being blest and trusted by God to take care of a few or many children is the greatest blessing we can receive. If we don't act like it is a blessing, then we are just confirming to those critical others that children are not blessings, but burdens.
To the comment above by Melissa: You said that you are so focused on how your children look and how they behave in public that you feel like you are going nuts. I just want to say that you should not worry so much. Remember that children are learning how to behave in public, just like they are learning to behave at home. If they are being a problem in public, they are most likely doing the same kinds of unacceptable behaviour at home. If you expect them to behave at home, and you follow through on disobedience, then they will also behave in public. It really is that simple. It is consistency. I think you should just love them and enjoy them in public, just like you do at home and not worry about what others think. Others will see your happiness and your delight in your children and will remember that far better than if you are being overly exacting of your children in public. If others have nothing better to do than to judge your parenting, then they really need to spend their time more wisely. Another thought that comes to mind is the days when the kids are not being so great in public. I have been the object of others having a good laugh at the antics of my children. It is good to be humbled at times and I think the situation must be reminding them of when their own children were little and not being good. We can't be so full of ourselves that we can't see the humor in a stressful or out of control moment. Also, I thought it was interesting that you thought that the large Catholic families you know are more "rollicking" than Evangelical large families. I would be interested in learning to more as to what you think about that.
Posted by: Julie | October 28, 2007 2:13 AM
Thanks for your comments - nothing like the real live experience of moms "in the trenches" to lift a topic from just my opinion to a reality which may enlighten perhaps even those who weren't aware of their own bias.
And yes, Julie - you are right. Once these kids get older, people are amazed by the gracious young adults they grow to be. My older kids have done me proud - and proved that being raised in a big family doesn't condemn a child to a life without intellectual stimulation, creative outlet, or parental support (I have one son who is a Merit Scholar and many kids gifted in theater and music - and these things take years of support to develop)
But the most important thing is that they are kind and unselfish people - something that is hard to produce in a family where there aren't as many demands.
I love the quote from Mother Teresa, which reminds me how much respect I have for the Catholic Church because it has been consistently and wholeheartedly pro-life, not just anti-abortion.
Posted by: barbara | October 28, 2007 6:20 AM
Julie said "I feel sorry for those who are critical, because it just shows me what small and selfish hearts they have."
This made me cry inside because I have never known how to word it but I have felt the very same way about those criticizing me. And I mean those that are nasty in their comments, not just ignorant.
I don't remember who posted it but they mentioned a elderly man offering to pay for their Christmas. I can't say I know this persons heart but I also can't help but wonder if he came from a large family himself and knows how it is. Perhaps he even grew up in the Depression. I don't know, just want to think the best of such a offer.
A side note of mine, back when I had "only 2" children, a lady walked up to me as I was putting groceries away and offered to hold my baby. I was wary of her but she seemed trusting enough. As I chatted with her she said she had six children. I asked if they were all hers, if she was done etc, etc. I didn't mean it mean at the time, just conversing with her but now I kick myself that this sweet lady was probably insulted by my lack of manners. I am only saying this because some people come around and see that their way of thinking, even if innocent, can and does hurt people.
What is funny now is that I have six children myself and have been asked "are you done" more than enough times to count. The irony of it all is funny to me. :-)
Blessings -
Posted by: Christian Faith | October 28, 2007 6:59 PM
Yes, as you know from my e-mail, I believe this is very true. We are a trans-racial adoptive family, larger than average, now homeschooling (after school troubles with our eldest), and have an eldest child with autism, OCD, ADHD and multiple learning disabilities.
Of all of those factors, far and away, it is the autism that makes things difficult in dealing with others' perceptions. The biggest struggle with perception is with my kids' behavior in public. Autism is not marked by physical features, and sometimes people think that my child's behavior is weird, impolite or just plain bad, when it is something that stems from his autism. They can't see what he is struggling against, nor how very, very HARD both he and we have worked for him to be doing so very well as he is! So, what might be judged as parental negligence is actually anything but! That's what runs me down.
The other thing is that, yes, his behavior and presence in the family affects the experience and behavior of my other children, sometimes quite negatively. He is the eldest. He is the role model. We never had a chance as parents to establish certain good, "normal" patterns and expectations in our home with our first, into which the others could follow. The pattern is set by one who has a very hard time regulating his volume, handling any anxiety or frustration,etc,etc. Our home has been challenged and stressed from the beginning. My other children probably do not behave as well as they might if they had the same parents, without the modeling and parental stress brought by this sibling. (Can I affirm here that I love all of my children, and am grateful to God for all of them?)
Many large families like to brag that they make sure that their children are the best behaved children people will ever see. Sometimes that just isn't an option for us, and no one can see why. It sure would be lovely every once in a while for each of us to to have a zapper that allowed others to feel for a moment what it's been like to walk the miles of our lives in our shoes.
Posted by: marian | October 29, 2007 5:26 PM
Marian,
I know more than one mom who carries around little business card sized info cards in their purse that say "My child has..."
and on the back says things like:
You can help by not staring
He is sensitive to noises so please do not talk to him
My daughter is very scared of strangers and new situations. Please allow me to help her to learn to be in public in peace...
and so on for whatever particular challenges your child has.
I think it's a great idea but have never tried it - my son is usually very good in public it's when he's in a safe place with family members that he loses it. Just a thought.
Posted by: Milehimama | October 30, 2007 11:33 AM
Dearest Marian, My heart goes out to you in your sufferings of your autistic son as well as to the many struggles you must experience with your large, trans-racial family. I admire you very much for your great contribution to society in raising a beautiful family! I do not have an autistic child so I cannot say that I really know what you endure, but I still wanted to offer a little consolation for you. I just want to share that Jesus too, was the object of much misunderstanding, scorn, and even hatred. When we suffer these things while trying to do good, this is when we are most like Jesus, sharing in His sufferings. We are sharing in His Divine Life, this is when we are closest to Jesus. I realize that this is hard to understand, that when we suffer the same things as Jesus, we are actually the closest to Him. But this is true! Jesus also said to "let the little ones come to me" and you have chosen to love all your little ones and especially the demanding love that your autistic son requires. When we love our little ones, we are loving Jesus. So, I will keep you in my prayers and May God bless you abundantly!
Posted by: Julie | October 30, 2007 12:18 PM
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Julie. Guess I needed a good cry... It's been weeks since you posted this, and I'm just checking back now but, if you check back also, thank you.
Thank you, too, Milehimama.
Posted by: marian | November 17, 2007 1:16 AM
I haven't "responded" to a post here in quite some time! In that time, I met and married an awesome Christian man with two children of his own. Combined with my three (one who has a cleft), we have five kids in the home from time to time. From the very beginning we have included our children in our relationship, even asking their permission/opinions about us getting married. We are expecting baby number six in just a few months!
Having been a single mom with three for several years and one of those having special needs, I have often felt the weight of extra scrutiny, although I never heard much criticism, just praise for keeping it all together. HOWEVER, I must comment on the insane amount of "comments" I receive over our decision to have more children. We view this pregnancy as a blessing and something that we both desired, although those around us seem to think that we have lost some of our rational thinking ability. I often get asked, "Are you done after this one?" to which I proudly announce, "I'm smarter than to presuppose that I can tell God what to do." You can only imagine the look of horror I get from that response!
Posted by: Ceci | December 1, 2007 3:06 PM
