November 16, 2007 9:52 PM
Do mothers of big families and/or kids with special needs face more judgment? Take 2
A few weeks ago I posed the question: Do mothers of big families and/or kids with special needs face more judgment?
Here is a response from a woman who grew up in a big family:
Barbara,I do feel that mothers of large families are judged more. I am the ninth of ten children, and my mother would often say that. She made the comment often, "some people like to see you fail." As sad as it is, it is often true. I think some people want re-affirmation for limiting the amount of
children they have. I know my mother was judged with more scrutiny than other moms with smaller families. I believe people were expecting her children to mess up, because, "she can't handle it", or "how can she watch all of them?" When in reality my mother is one of the smartest, strongest and most organized people I know, who also has a wealth of virtues.And now, in my own experience as a mother of six, I definitely feel like I am judged more. From the way I look, how my children behave, how well I keep my home, etc. The list goes on. Most people are genuinely positive, but there are some who believe I am a complete nut. The "crazies on the corner", as I like to affectionately call myself.
For those who are negative, I truly believe that they do not view children as a gift. They see them as a burden. It's too bad because, children are the best teachers, especially when it comes to virtues.
Barbara, one of the reasons I found your website, was because I was hoping to find other like minded mothers. I was looking for a little inspiration, and encouragement along with some practical advice. Your website is wonderful. I am fortunate to have a strong foundation, but I too need a little encouragement with the daily struggle of raising a large family.
Thank you for your positive example of motherhood.
Love,
Liz
This email meant a lot to me - and I'm sure it will to other moms who because of large families or children with disabilities face extra scrutiny.
In Australia the culture is crippled by a phenomenon called "Tall Poppy Syndrome" - which is the tendency of citizens to attack those who stand out or rise above mediocrity. In the case of megamoms or moms of kids with special needs, we're not trying to stand out, but some people seem threatened by the existence of moms who have a tougher row to hoe - and compelled to cut them down to size in the eyes of others.
It can be insidious, as when a neighbor expresses concern about your child - but with a subtext that you are somehow falling short as a parent.
Norman Vincent Peale wrote:
You will be criticized if there is any force whatsoever to your personality. There is just one way to avoid criticism. Never do anything, never amount to anything. Get your head above the crowd and the jealous will notice and criticize you. Therefore, welcome criticism as a sign that your life has vitality.
That resonates with me, as I've noticed that the snipers in my life (there are really only a couple that are so blatant I notice) seem to live a kind of half-life themselves - as though they were afraid to take a risk, think outside the box, experience life fully. Their pettiness makes me just feel sorry for them.
So if you are a mom who faces this kind of judgment - take heart. It just means you're doing something right! And remember what Mr. Rogers said about who has the real disabilities.
Posted in Big families, Disabilities | Permalink
Comments
What a wonderful quote!
Yes, I do feel judged as a mother of special needs child. Her behavior is quite challenging at times and often makes us stand out in a crowd. She frequently drops limply to the floor to avoid going somewhere, and runs away from me laughing at the most inopportune times. Then there is the issue of potty training. . .
I have learned a lot of humility and patience, and care less about the judgment of others than I used to.
Posted by: Leticia Velasquez | November 19, 2007 4:27 PM
I am quite paranoid about looking like "white trash" when I go out with my kids. I am rather youngish (25) and my kids are all really close in age (4 5 and under) and I don't wear a wedding ring since I outgrew it during a pregnancy and had to have it cut off. I have gotten some stares and some mean comments though also plenty of positive ones.
Posted by: paigeu | November 19, 2007 5:52 PM
