Mommy Life

March 5, 2008 6:49 AM

Teens: when things don't work out the way you planned

Just publishing this email exchange for a glimpse into the tough decisions parents are sometimes called to make.

When my children were young and I was trying so hard to be the perfect mom, I never dreamed that someday they might turn their backs on the things their dad and I taught them, the ideals and sense of purpose we'd raised them with.

Facing rejection as a parent - either of the things you hold dear or even of relationship - is a death of sorts. It is a death to the dreams you cherished. But on a more important scale, it's one of those things that teaches you more about God and his relationship with us.

Adam and Eve enjoyed perfect fellowship with God - absolutely innocent and untroubled. And yet they made choices which separated them from Him. When our kids do the same, we can grieve, but we must remember that we are not failures.

Dear Barbara -

I read your missive about your angry daughter with quote a bit of empathy, because my wife and I have been living this for the past month.

Our oldest daughter just turned 18, and decided to move out of our house to "cool off". She has been gloomy, disrespectful, messy and not really a member of our family for a couple of years. Part of it started when she took up with a boy with emotional problems and no other friends who had been "stalking" her. It came to seem like our daughter treated this boylike a fixer-upper. He has no other friends, he doesn't care for any other friends and when he enters a room the temperature drops 10 degrees.

So she left us a note and told us she was going to be at the boy's family's house (he's 17). They decided to go to the same college together (out of town, naturally) which worried us, but part of being a parent is allowing our adult children to be adults. We are now doing that. She
called to ask for the bonds her godfather gave her when she turned 18, and for her birth certificate and social security card. We have made it clear that she is welcome to return any time she's ready, but it has to be on our terms. It is still our house, and if she wants to make it her home she has to pitch in. There are perks that come with being a member of our family, but there are also responsibilities which we consider reasonable.

* Keeping her room free of "science experiments" (assorted sugary foods growing mold).
* Helping out when she's asked to.
* No sex in our home.
* Treating the other family members with respect.

We have noticed that our home is orders of magnitude more peaceful without only our younger daughter (16) there. The three of us are planning a vacation for the next couple of days (including the weekend) up to Niagara Falls. I believe that for the first time in a very long time, we are going to have a drama-free vacation.

We love our daughter, but we realize the toxic effect she has had on our family. We still don't understand why the boyfriend's mom allows her to stay there and continues to inject herself into our family. But this mother is a non-entity.

Our daughter is welcome back when her attitude becomes adjusted. We have not let go of our daughter, but we have let go of the problems she caused and pray for the day she rejoins us on our terms (that day may never come). We figure that there is nothing she could do that can't be undone (unless she becomes pregnant).

Take care, and thanks for posting. My prayers are with you and your family also.

Dear ____,

Thanks for writing this. I can empathize with you even more because we went through this with one of my sons when he had just turned 18.

We had just moved to Virginia from northern California and were so excited because so many people here identified themselves as Christians. My kids - coming from a county where only 4% of people go to church - were so thrilled to have Christian friends. Only later did we find out that in this kind of environment not everyone is as passionate about living their faith.

Our son got involved with a girl from a large homeschooling family. We figured our values were sympatico. My son had taken a pledge of purity and we had done a positive, proactive job in this area - not teaching that sex was bad, but that it was a wonderful experience created by God to bind two people together for life.

It turned out this girl was very self-destructive and destructive to those around her. She'd been in juvenile hall for 6 months the previous year (no one warned us), was into cutting and very promiscuous. Our house was torn upside down by her histrionics and 3am phone calls.

We found out they were having sex when she told his younger brother, who - after much anguish - told us. Her parents- though they knew of her past promiscuity - refused to believe it and offered our son haven, fawning all over him - I think because it was the first "nice" boyfriend she'd had.

We had to give our son a similar choice. He left at 18 1/2, lived in his car for a few weeks, and has been drifting for the last four years. The girl broke up with him a few months after he left- she was actually using him to make her on-and-off again less nice boyfriend jealous. But our son never wanted to come home.

I cried for several weeks. It was perhaps the most painful episode in my motherhood. Just the fact that he had lost his purity was devastating to me as I knew - from bitter experience - how important that was. I felt like a failure until someone reminded me that the Perfect Father had children who went astray. Oh, yeah - that's right.

When I say my son has been drifting, he's not into anything terrible. he acts in dinner theaters and lives on next-to-nothing. He doesn't do anything to improve his craft or move forward. He seems happy, but vulnerable.

We have a relationship in which we love and accept him, even when he brings home girls with hickeys on their necks. When he comes around, we love him and affirm whatever positive he is doing, see his shows, etc. And pray, pray, pray.

This is indeed a difficult stage of parenthood - one I never expected. On some level, I truly believed that if I did everything right, my kids would turn out perfectly - that they would rise and call me blessed.

But this is humbling too - and has certainly built my compassion. God has a plan that includes this phase of parenthood too.

Thanks for sharing your story. May I send you a copy of my book about teens? Dirty Dancing at the Prom and Other Challenges Your Christian Teens Face: How Parents Can Help?

And what would you think about me posting this on my blog (anonymously) - I just think it's helpful for other "imperfect" parents to know they're not alone.

If anyone else would like to share a story - or link to one on your blog - please do so in the comments below. Anything you think would be helpful for other parents - happy endings or stories still being written.

Love,

Posted in Big families, Family, Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink

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Comments

Barbara,

I am a sahm, that homeschools our four children. My story, along with my husbands' story, sounds a lot like these stories above, except that my husband was the one moving out from his parents and moving in with mine.

This was over 14 years ago.

At the time, we were young and dumb and desperately in love. We both were Christians, but we were both very immature Christians, still little preemies.....

My husband(boyfriend at the time)and I spent as much time together as we possibly could. We decided that life at his house was just too difficult so that when he turned 18, we decided that he would move out and move in at my house(this was a few moths before graduation).

He DID move out,and my parents and I had a room downstairs ready for him. He never did live there though, his parents begged him to live at his brothers' house and he did.

We got married a few moths later after he had graduated from high school (don't worry....we waited until the wedding night)and moved into a place of our own.

Looking back, we were just so naive, thinking that we ruled the world, but reading the posts above gives me a clue into the pain that he and I probably caused his parents and it also shows me how my parents shouldn't have "taken sides".

His family life was not perfect, AND he HAD talked to his parents about their unjust outbursts at each-other and himself. He told them his plans to move out if one of his parents didn't control their abusive tempers better (it was and still is a really bad thing), but still, I can see, now that I am a parent, their point of view better.

One good thing about all of this is that we have an incredible marriage. Against all odds of getting married right out of high school, it has really been wonderful.

Reading your posts, Barbara, about your children is very painful for me, because I too suffer from the "disease" of thinking that if I do everything right, that hopefully it will give my children a better chance at life....... but I timidly am approaching teenager-ship here in this household, it will be here in just a few years...or less. My oldest will turn 11 soon....

Hopefully, I can be strong and not fall hard when my children disappoint me like in the stories above.

Thank you for all of your courage and your honesty.

~B

Posted by: B | March 5, 2008 10:48 AM

I was that teenage girl, too. I moved out of my home and in with my boyfriend at age 17 (but did manage to finish high school, including AP classes, while holding down a job). My situation was perhaps a bit different, as my mother was (and is) an alcoholic.
Her response was to cut off all ties and forbid my brothers and sisters from speaking with me.

That was 12 years ago... God's grace and mercy are infinite, and it's His job to change people's hearts. Entrust your children to Him. I guess that sounds like a platitude, but it is the only explanation I have for the way my life has turned out - happily married for 10 years (NOT to the original boyfriend), homeschool mother to 7 children.

Posted by: Milehimama | March 5, 2008 4:56 PM

OH HOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I have written to Barbara about this topic before. She was such a comfort. I think I just needed to know I was not alone.

Our son left home at 18, although his heart left home at 15-16. We did everything by the "Christian-homeschool-faithful church members" book! I felt like I had been sucker punched when he left. THIS was NOT part of our plan! I seriously grieved for about a year. God has taught me so much on this journey that I did not want to take. There is no deeper pain than to know your child does not walk with God.

Last summer our son returned home, crying and repentant, only to leave again. He refused to go to church and he continued to be disrespectful and untrustworthy. My husband gave him a choice, conform to the family (house rules) or leave. He left. It has been hard. Yes, I feel like a failure. I miss him SO MUCH! But there are a few things we cannot compromise on in our home. I am learning that it is not unnecessarily US that he has a problem with, although we are the ones catching the brunt of it, but it is God.

Because he chooses to walk with the foolish there is not a thing we can do about it, other than pray and wait. He comes by occasionally, and I have to work real hard to love him when he is acting like a jerk. It's hard to be kind and loving when you are hurting and angry (partly because he left us with a pile of bills to pay).

NEVER would I have believed this would have turned out this way. BUT, it isn't over. I ask God daily to give him wisdom, to give him eyes to see the truth.

Meanwhile, what is it that God wants ME to learn? Are my children a form of idolatry? Do I doubt God's love and promises because circumstances are difficult? Do I trust in a parenting formula for my kids to turn out holy? Is my faith only in the tings I see?

Yep, God is teaching me alot!

Posted by: Kathy, Jeff's Wife | March 5, 2008 9:59 PM

Dear Barbara and Posters,

First off, please do not lump promiscuity and delinquency and evil-ness with self injury as a package, or indicator of evil. Cutting is a deep, emotional addiction that is very distressing to the vast majority of sufferers. It is both a symptom of pain, and an attempt to find peace. Negative association like this inhibits hurting people from healing. Since it is estimated that 1 in 10 teens are involved, you may just know someone yourself. Also, many self injuring people are seen as "perfect" in the upright, moral, smart, obedient sense of perfection.

Secondly, this is a really cool website!! As the oldest daughter of a family of 12 children, a lot of the topics here speak to me.

On this post...my family looks great from the outside, and my mother would say that she has done everything right, etc, etc. However, my parents have hurt their children, and every one of us is suffering in different ways. My homeschooled highschool years are bad memories, and the dysfunction and harm has extended into my college career.

The statement about doing things "by the book/in church/ everything right" startled me.

Maybe your kids have needs that you are ignoring, because you are busy following "the book" (whatever book it is). Maybe you're working super=hard and missing the obvious?
Just a thought, intended to provoke thoughts, and definitely not to condemn.

Peace,
Watcher of 11

Posted by: Watcher | April 22, 2008 9:16 PM

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