March 28, 2008 1:27 PM
Today's moms - under pressure
I had a meeting last week with some homeschool advocates to brainstorm ideas for a pamphlet they are doing for preschool moms. I was invited to participate because of my books - including Mommy, Teach Me! and Mommy, Teach Me to Read! - which are based on encouraging, empowering and equipping moms to make the most of the preschool years using knowledge and strategies I learned as a Montessori teacher.
We began by talking about mothers today, what it's like to be starting motherhood in the new millennium. I found myself talking about the cultural pressures you all face and the pervasive undercutting of your unique place in the life of the child - your essential and irreplaceable value.
I had my first child in 1969, my ninth birth child in 1994 (I’ve adopted three since). I've been writing books and articles for young moms since 1996 - and almost daily since I started this blog three years ago. I've been busy writing so much that as I talked I realized that though I'd been invited to share my knowledge, God also wanted to give me a fresh look. Because as I began to focus on the issues facing moms today, I realized how much oppression there is in today's society, which works in so many ways to convince you beyond all doubt that "No, You Can't" instead of "Yes, You Can!"
We all owe a debt of gratitude to the second wave of feminism for hardware issues like equal pay for equal work, as well as for opening the doors wider to higher education and professional careers. But where we charter Ms. subscribers lost our way was the software – leading our culture to trash motherhood rather than putting it back on the pedestal where it belonged.
You see, the poet who wrote The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Rules the World had it absolutely right. Mothers wield the greatest and most eternally significant power in the universe. But you sure wouldn’t know that today.
You and I might catch glimpses of it because we look around and see the wise women sharing their thoughts today over the backfence of the blogosphere: Amy of Humble Musings, Meredith of Like Merchant Ships – and so many more I don’t have time to list but you can mention in the comments. See my Moms help moms through blogs - from the Christian Science Monitor.
These women are giving back to their readers the assurance that we all have intelligence and that our small everyday decisions as we raise our children matter more than our mothers ever dreamed – not because if we do the wrong thing our kids will be forever psychically scarred but because if we do the right thing we are part of the legacy-building that has the potential to reverberate through future generations.
But this message of encouragement and empowerment is not the norm today.
Instead, mothers are battered with putdowns for choosing the calling of the home. Mothers who’ve chosen to raise large families – and who consequently have the responsibility/honor of maximizing their influence potential – deal with constant insensitive and belittling remarks. If they don’t already hold themselves to a higher standard, they find that others do – as their families are scrutinized for the slightest sign of failure.
In our intensely consumeristic society, mothers are the targets of a constant ad campaign that depends on our feeling inadequate: only if we buy this detergent or this face cream or this carpet cleaner or these toddler gymnastic sessions or this vacation or these parenting books could we possibly maybe make the grade.
In a consumer culture, everyone has to feel inadequate – that’s true. But since wives and mothers are usually the purchasing agents, we are the target far more frequently – and about relatively inconsequential things.
But it’s not just in that realm that the damage is done. This pervasive anxiety just kind of Rototills the ground for the seeds of discontent which are planted by professionals – professionals who in their hearts believe that they know better than mom what’s good for her kids.
If you are fortunate – as I am – you have a pediatrician who respects motherhood and the unique wisdom moms possess. But no matter how wonderful your pediatrician, he or she will pepper you at each annual check-up with a list of intrusive mandated questions that make it seem as though children simply couldn’t make it through their childhood in one piece without the intervention of our government.
Then there is the education system.
*sigh*
What to say about a system with the potential to do so much good which unfortunately hasn’t been content to simply teach academics but has through the years grown like a multi-headed hydra to take on more and more responsibility for all kinds of stuff outside the curriculum even as its effectiveness in teaching the core curriculum declines?
It’s not that I don’t like the school system. I do. But I hate their belittling of the importance and wisdom and experience of parents – to the point of resisting homeschool as a respectable choice. My goodness, in a nation where in the name of choice you can kill your unborn kids, how can American educators think that parents should surrender the right to educate them?
And now they want to educate them earlier. Many states are pressing toward government preschool. When I last checked 17 states were considering making government preschool mandatory. What an effective way to get hold of those minds at an earlier, more malleable stage, break the trusting bond with mom and dad, and get them on the bandwagon to being good citizens – however that is defined by the government.
I hear from many moms who are anguishing about the preschool decision. They and their little ones are the only ones home on the cul-de-sac during the day. Their mother-in-law or mother or both are urging them to put the kids in preschool “so they don’t fall behind.”
These moms grew up during the have-it-all heyday, thinking they would have careers and babies too. No one was really clear on how it would or would not come together.
Some left careers to stay home. But they lack the confidence and vision they might have had had they grown up to aspire to the challenge of the role of motherhood.
With so much confusing input and so much pressure, it’s no wonder that even women with degrees in education find themselves enrolling their kids in preschool.
But now I’m back into familiar territory – territory I wrote about briefly in the Intro to the MTM books. Briefly because my main mission wasn’t to decry the sad state of affairs, but to – yep, here it is again – encourage, empower and equip moms who love their children and need someone to say “Hey, it’s okay. And you know what? It’s better than okay. Because the worst day with mom is better than the best day with a woman who your child will fall in love with but who will only be his teacher for a year..”
How much better to rest assured that in spending time, your children will be always and ever falling in love with you. That the more early years you spend together, the stronger your bond will be later on.
Some of this is stuff I’ve written before, but I wanted to let you know that because of that brainstorming session last week I have been reminded in a new and poignant way that you all actually have it even harder than I did bringing up kids in the 70s, 80s and 90s. Yes, I’m still bringing some up now, but with all those years of motherhood behind me I have a strong enough sense of who I am that these more modern discouraging forces don’t impact me the same way they would a new mom. As I put myself in your place last week, I really felt sad to be part of the generation who is passing on to you a world that still doesn’t get it about motherhood.
If I have one message for you here, it’s this:
Even if everyone and everything around you seems to be saying "No, You Can’t" – Momma C says "Yes, Yes, Yes, You Can!"
And I always will.
Posted in Big families, Blogging, Homeschooling, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
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Barbara- I guess this is my opportunity to tell you what has been on my heart for awhile. First off. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I have been reading the " Mommy Manuel", and it reinforced some things that I have learned from your blog, as well as other titus 2 types of moms. You really are a blessing. My generation of moms NEED YOU. Your thoughts on teaching preschoolers to work was so very timely for me. Just today, my 3rd child, who is 2 was saying " help" when he saw me folding the laundry. It was a reminder of what you said about seizing the early years to teach them how to work. This is very important in my family, which will have a 4th baby this June. :) I don't know if I qualify yet to be a mega mom, but my laundry is starting to feel the affects of multiple children, and I just bought a front loader set, to make my life easier. It was the highlight of my month, LOL!
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just have to share something else that has been on my heart recently....God gave me a vision to pass on the legacy of his love to this next generation.....It's a burning passion in my heart that has really rooted in my soul within this last year. As I have become more committed to this vision, the devil spent some time really trying to discourage me. I am now realizing the " yes you can". It is true that I am part of the group of women getting criticized, and I do NOT take criticism very well. Recently, though, I have felt led to pray about how to handle those who criticize me. I feel that it is very important to know how to answer them without getting frustrated, or feeling bitter inside. I can't let it fester. God gave me a vision for my family, and I need to keep my joy while my eyes stay on my goals. I just want to encourage all of the moms out there who feel discouraged by the world: expect the world to NOT understand. Know that criticism is to be expected, and move on with the goals that God has given to you. :) He promises to be there every step of the way......
((HUGS)) to you, Barbara..........
Posted by: Lisa | March 28, 2008 6:16 PM
This post was really timely but I've been meaning to send you an email on this very subject the past few days.
My daughter is three. She was recently diagnosed with autism. The school did the evaluation, wrote up an IEP and recommended (and will not budge) a full day, six hour, five day a week autism class. We cannot afford therapy on our own. School would be the only therapy or training she would get outside of what we've already learned to do with her through the course of any given day. I'm having such a hard time with the idea of parting with her for so many hours a week, and yet, I do not feel capable of training her in all the ways she needs to be taught because of the disability. I'm reading as fast and as much as I can, but I still feel like I need more professional help.
How do you feel about the issue of homeschooling kids, preschoolers in general, with special needs? Obviously your kids are in public education with IEPs (oy. The acronym alone gives me the shivers) but I know that they are older too.
This is my baby. My tiny, 24 pound, three year old baby. But I need help. I'm completely torn on this and have been praying of course, but would appreciate some insight and perspective from your unique point of view!!
Posted by: Laura | March 28, 2008 6:52 PM
Thank you, Barbara, for reminding us of this again. I was one of those who caved and sent my kids to preschool this year at our church. This past week was spring break and though I was so looking forward to all the free time we would have together, I found myself just trying to manage them while I did day to day chores. I began to wonder if they were better off not being around a grouchy mom. I look back now and realize it was just that I needed time to adjust to the new routine. By the time break was over, my kids and I were having a great time and they didn't want to return to school.
I am planning on homeschooling my firstborn who will be entering kindergarten next fall but worry about the lack of support for me as we will be moving overseas and most other expats put their kids in international schools. My husband, though homeschooled himself, doesn't have much confidence in my ability to homeschool and sees no problem with putting our kids in international schools. I just think it's too early but you can see the pressure I'm under. Thank you for being an encouraging voice in my ear!
Posted by: Laurie | March 29, 2008 8:35 AM
And if all I ever have is Momma C telling me, "yes, you can" that's enough for me. Thank you again and again.
Laurie, I grew up as an MK overseas where all children were sent away to school. My parents felt that we were to be missionaries as a family, and so I was the first child who wasn't sent away to school. We were all so proud and happy to prove that it could be done- keeping a family together- and done well. I graduated from the University of Nebraska's Correspondence School. College was no problem. I had a great education. It always meant a lot to me that my parents wanted me with them no matter the cost. Even if you're the only one, or the first one, God will help you if He's put it in your heart.
"Yes, you can!"
Posted by: Greta | March 29, 2008 1:41 PM
Hi,
What a terrific post! I feel defensive all the time about my choices...to stay home, to have 6 children...on and on. I find myself turning to your website and many others every day just to remind myself that I'm not alone. I truly appreciate you posting your thoughts every day and I always look forward to reading them!
Posted by: Jenny | March 29, 2008 8:43 PM
Amen!
Posted by: Raising Country Kids | March 31, 2008 2:47 PM
