May 9, 2008 11:03 AM
Do you need to forgive your mom?
Hi Barbara,Time and again I read in your comment box about women and their moms and broken relationships. As you know, I have struggled for years with my own relationship with my mom. God has really been working in my heart on this for a long time, and He seems to have softened her heart during these last few months of my being sick (How thankful I am for being sick!).
Today I posted something on my blog about how important it is to forgive our moms for all of their failings. It is the truly the only way, I believe, to get beyond the tension and to be open up to what God might be able to do in our lives and relationships.
Those who've been reading here for a while know that I have a daughter who hasn't spoken to me or anyone else in our family (except one brother who has work ties to her husband) for over a year and a half.
I blame myself for this as I cut my own mother out of my life for many years, feeling justified because of her shortcomings and failures (my mother was not a Christian and involved in serious sinful activity until the day she died). Since I was a Christian and trying to be a good mom and since I was quick to apologize when I did wrong, I never foresaw this happening to me.
And yet it did. The simple fact is that no matter how righteously we live our lives, our children will do as we do (which is why parents are urged to let their children see them read, use their seatbelts, wait for the green light, etc). No matter how justified we feel in cutting off our mothers, we will have to face judgment for that at some point. Believe me, I have bowed before God acknowledging my mistake - which I might not have ever realized had it not happened to me.
God uses all things for good. So I am grateful that I had this experience to teach me how wrong I was about my own mother. While I didn't realize it before she died, I have realized it before I died. And I have apologized to my kids for robbing them of a relationship with their grandmother because making a decision based on my own comfort was selfishness, plain and simple.
Still, the sin plays out among the generations to come as siblings and cousins have been greatly harmed - and where God intended and has provided the opportunity for rich relationship there is none.
So do read Kari's piece Cherish Your Mom: Love Your “Enemy”! (?) and see if God has something for you there. I love Kari's writing style, which is very intuitive and poetic, with lots of space for contemplation as you read. Leave her a comment - and feel free to discuss if you feel yourself softening toward your own mother here.
I know that my own journey as a mom has been humbling. My heart has been softened and I've developed more compassion. If my mom were alive, I would go to her now and apologize for how I wronged her. But she's not and I can't. All I can do is expose my own mistakes and the unexpected consequences for others to learn from.
For more help, see
Why Forgive Your Mother?
Why Forgive Your Mother, Part 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Art notes: Stained glass window, St. James Anglican Church, Nova Scotia, Canada, depicting Ruth and Naomi.
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Comments
Thanks for this, Barbara. It is important to remember, however, that you can forgive your mother yet still not be a big part of her life. A limited relationship is sometimes necessary for the well being of yourself, your spouse, and your children.
This is true in my case. When I finally made the prayerful decision not to have a close relationship with my mom, it changed my family's life for the better. (So much better!) I still treat my mom with respect, and I still communicate with her, but it's on a very limited basis. I don't expect to have a close relationship with her, to call her at every cute thing my daughter does, to have what I think is a "normal" mom-daughter relationship. And in return, peace has returned to our lives.
It sometimes saddens me that we have to live like this, but it is a far better way to live than if I allowed my mother fully into my life.
Posted by: Kristina | May 9, 2008 12:04 PM
Yes. For those without a spiritual director, I'd like to suggest a helpful book: "Forgiveness is a Choice" by Robert Enright. It's secular, but friendly & respectful to religious motives and traditions. It's the only self-help book I've ever bought, but God practically dropped it on my head. Understanding the stages of the forgiveness process has been Enright's life's work.
Posted by: Anon | May 9, 2008 3:56 PM
