May 17, 2008 8:06 AM
When Catholic in-laws keep a distance
I have actually heard of this situation from a few evangelical mothers I'm close to, who say their Catholic in-laws remain remote. Wondering if some Catholic readers could shed some light on this?
Barbara-I appreciate you sharing your journey. I have felt in my heart for years that there are many born again catholics, even though most of the ones I know don't seem much different from the world. Barbara, I hope you don't mind that I'm being a bit secretive about my identity today.....but I have a bit of a sensitive question to ask and don't want my identity posted on the internet.
I don't know how to ask this, but here goes: My in laws are catholic, well actually my MIL attends another denomination by herself sometimes, but they raised their kids in the catholic church. They are WONDERFUL people, and are great to me and my kids.....but we seem to come from different planets.....Spiritually speaking. ( My Dh and I are both saved, and he was saved before we were married) They don't profess to be saved, although I won't say that they aren't. They just avoid any type of spiritual or political conversations with us, and apparently with each other. I know that they are concerned about the way we are raising our kids. ( Very conservatively)
The thing that perplexes me, though is that they are very silent on issues that should concern good catholics. I am referring the bad legislation and such. It's almost like they'd rather run the other direction, than sign a simple petition to keep good morals in this country. I am completely perplexed, and they never tell us why or what they are thinking. While I can appreciate peace makers, it almost seems overboard......to the exclusion of not having a deeper fellowship with us....? Passiveness seems to be valued over assertiveness, if you KWIM?
My question to you is this: Catholics don't teach that you should be silent about your walk with God, do they? It's not a private matter that you keep quiet, right? What about politics? I am assuming they teach that we should get involved, right? I guess I'm just wondering that if, we are both taught from the same bible why do we seem to come from completely different spiritual planets? You keep mentioning all these high profile Christians that are becoming catholic, and I keep wondering why then, it is that my in laws seem to come from a different spiritual planet? Is this just a personality thing with my in laws? I've been trying to figure them out for years, and have kind of grieved that we have a " good" relationship rather than a " close" relationship.....
I also know one situation with a devout woman whose DIL refused to marry her son in the Catholic Church. But that DIL goes out of her way to honor her MIL, taking walks with her each day and coming to church on special occasions. They have built a close relationship despite the religious differences.
The MIL/DIL relationship is very complex even when the two women are on somewhat the same page spiritually. If there is any room for disappointment, that can certainly become a wedge.
I hope my readers have some common sense encouragement, wisdom, and hope for this situation. And if you're a Catholic keeping a distance, you might want to rethink that position :)
Posted in Catholicism | Permalink
Comments
I don't think it's so much a Catholic vs. non-Catholic thing as it is just the way some people are / the way they were raised. Some members of my side of the family are very religious, and some only marginally so. But all of them -- my mom's side (Catholic), my dad's side (Presbyterian), and my step-dad's side (Lutheran) -- are pretty quiet about matters of religion and politics. The only person you can have a good political debate with is my elderly Catholic grandfather -- and only if my grandmother isn't around! ("Can we not talk about that at the dinner table?") And they all think we're crazy in the way we are raising our children.
My husband's side (Evangelical) is more like us, so they only think we're a little weird. ;)
Posted by: Michelle Potter | May 17, 2008 9:15 AM
Family relationships can be so tricky - even more so when there are religious or political differences. Just a couple of thoughts from a lifelong Catholic ... your reader is correct, we absolutely are supposed to form our consciences properly and then act as leaven in the world. Pope Benedict spent a good part of his visit to the United States talking about how freedom is a call to personal responsibility, and Pope John Paul II spoke at length about the new evangelization - the mandate to take the Good News into the world right where you are. That said, the Catholic Church is a big tent (big in a way that I think is sometimes difficult for Evangelicals to understand.) Some, like my saintly Grandmother, are not comfortable talking about matters of faith, preferring to pray their rosary and feed the poor in private. Others are cultural Catholics (it is what my family has always been) who have not had a conversion of heart. For a cultural Catholic, the issues mentioned may not even be on the radar screen - they are people of the world who attend Mass. But what may also be going on, and this is just my opinion from reading the letter, they may not want to go down those paths because they don't want conflict. Catholics just don't use the language of "being saved" (especially when that term connotes saying a sinner's prayer and asking Jesus into your heart as your personal Lord and savior). They may not feel comfortable, or may not be able to articulate (or even understand given the dismal state of catechesis in the Church for the past few decades) the salvific grace of the sacraments or the unique intimacy we have with Jesus in Holy Communion. By saying that your husband, who obviously was raised by his parents, got saved, the implication to them may be that they are not. They just may not want to go there - especially given the difficulties that come from speaking these different faith languages. It is a truly a shame. I think it is only natural to want to share this most important aspect of our lives with those close to us. It is obviously painful to the heart of your writer to have this wall with her in-laws. Perhaps if she got to understand the Catholic faith a little better - maybe by reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church or listening to Catholic radio - she might be able to ask them questions about their faith in a way they understand and feel comfortable with. This might open the door to further discussion and appreciation on both sides. I think God would greatly bless such an effort.
Posted by: Anne | May 17, 2008 11:19 AM
Fascinating question! I wonder if there isn't sometimes a regional cultural element at work too. I say this as a native of the upper midwest now living in the south. By and large, in my native state of IA, it is bad manners to discuss religious issues outside of a church context, especially if you already know that the other person disagrees with you. By contrast, in the south, one of the first questions that acquaintances will ask when you move to town is if you've found a church and, if so, which one. I find this invasive, even though I understand their intentions are friendly. If someone were to ask me to sign a morality petition, I would be mortified. I suspect that this is one of those issues where the more anyone pushes, the more the other person wants to curl up and hide.
Posted by: Angela | May 17, 2008 2:10 PM
I am a reverted Catholic married to an Evangelical.
I think in general, Catholics tend to be more reticent about sharing their faith. For many Catholics, myself included, the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our life are a very private thing. Myself, it is an intimate conversation between my Father and myself - a "treasure to pondered in my heart" and not for public consumption. (Luke 2:19)
Catholics also emphasize the virtues of modesty (not just in dress, but also in comportment) and humility.
Also, it could be that out of charity they are trying to not provoke people or create fights and tension. In addition, each person reacts to things differently. Don't mistake not being politically involved or not volunteering for causes as inactivity/indifference. Different people have different gifts, and someone may be praying quietly, fasting, or donating without letting anyone know.
Catholics define "active" differently. For example, "active participation" at Mass means PRAYING the Mass, not being a lector or raising your hands.
Posted by: Milehimama | May 17, 2008 2:20 PM
When I gave my life to God and decided to leave the Catholic church as a child, it created such a sad upheaval among my relatives (Grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins...) and nothing has ever gotten back to the way it was. For years, they told me I was going to go to hell for leaving the Catholic church. It wasn't until I was in my 20's and I explained salvation as an adult that they accepted it, but they still don't talk about it. Old friends from Catholic school said that we should just not talk about "religion" at all so that we could remain friends. It wasn't until one friend had a serious crisis and needed prayer that she brought God up again with me, now that we are adults. There are such strong emotions in some, that it is probably easier for them not to talk about it at all rather than risk a blow up in front of (or with) you.
Posted by: Angela | May 17, 2008 3:30 PM
A clue as to the strain in the relationship? "My husband is saved, but I can't say whether or not his parents are." We can couch it in terms of "we speak a different language," but the bottom line is that when (cradle) Catholics hear things like that, the attitude of superiority projected is rather, shall we say, annoying.
I suspect that they have spoken to their friends and supporters about how they have this DIL who is wonderful in many ways, but treats us as if we are not Christians because we don't convert or agree with her politically. So in charity, they avoid the subjects altogether.
As an aside, it IS possible to be a Christian and have 'liberal' political leanings.
Posted by: Midwestmom | May 17, 2008 4:16 PM
I'm not Catholic and don't have anything to shed on that in particular...other than saying what previous commenters have suggested, that it's probably more their personality and not their Catholicism that's keeping them silent. I did want to point-out that you have to be careful in assuming that anyone who is a "real Christian" will think like you in things like political activism and other marks of fundamental evangelicalism. I'm an Evangelical, but I'm very wary of any concept of "bringing back morals" to our country. That doesn't make me less of a follower of Christ, I just don't think we're going to fix our country through legislation, only the Gospel can do that. All that to say, as the previous commenter suggested, your in-laws could've picked-up on this perception of yours and may feel slighted by it and think that you think they're not good enough Christians.
Posted by: Emily | May 17, 2008 10:25 PM
Speculating about someones future salvation is extremely foreign to Catholics, and from our perspective it reeks of pride and presumption on Gods mercy. By the tone of your message it is obvious that you look down on them as inferior Christians...(and maybe they are) ..but it probably makes them more guarded with you, knowing that you are sitting in judgment of them and their spirituality.
Posted by: paigeu | May 18, 2008 10:37 AM
This woman says that her MIL sometimes attends another denomination by herself--without more details, it's hard to know precisely what's going on, but this indicates to me that there could be layers of hidden conflict going on in her in-law's lives that she and even her husband are ignorant of. If her MIL was a convert to Catholicism--or simply began attending Catholic services--she could have many regrets, doubts, and sensitivities that she does not share for the sake of peace in her family. Who knows?
While the Catholic Church certainly doesn't teach that one should be silent about one's faith, I think in this case charity may demand an actions-rather-than-words approach towards her in-laws. If they want to talk, they will eventually. We can't always be "close" to people in this life, but we can always be good to them. Good luck to her!
Posted by: Elizabeth B. | May 18, 2008 10:52 AM
I think the initial questioner is saying two different things and not realizing it.
1) To be religious is to be like me.
2) Catholics (and other religions) are religious.
She needs to own one of those statements and jettison the second. Then she can figure out how she wants to deal with her family.
If she chooses the second, she should accept the religiosity of her parents-in-law and stop trying to get them to express themselves spiritually in the same way that she does. Believe it or not, there are many different Christian faiths that don't use the phrase "being saved" as part of their lexicon. It doesn't mean they believe themselves unsaved, only that the concept is not expressed the same way it is with certain evangelicals.
If she chooses the first option, then it would probably be best to shelve a lot of religious talk. By this time, her parents-in-law know what she and her husband believe. If they want to advance their knowledge base further, they will ask. I'm from a religious faith that does a lot of evangelization, but within the family structure it can be better to be a silent witness to your faith. That doesn't mean you have to stop talking about your religious life, but you should probably stop comparing it to your parents-in-law. It can only end badly.
Another thought: You say your husband became saved before he met you. It is my experience that the newly converted have a tendency to be very, very enthusiastic. They want to share their new-found faith with EVERYONE. Generally speaking, EVERYONE becomes annoyed with them. This may have happened to your parents-in-law. They may have felt overwhelmed by him in the past and have decided to keep the peace by just bunkering down and letting it all flow off their backs. Another way the silent witness method may be much more helpful. If they don't feel besieged, they may be much more open to your viewpoints later.
Posted by: Amy K. | May 18, 2008 2:15 PM
I am in agreement with some of the others (maybe all? I haven't read through every comment). This really sounds like a personality thing more than a religion thing, since I deal with the very same things from my baptist relatives, my agnostic relatives and some other random-faith (or lack of faith) people in my life.
I would just suggest keeping these folks in your prayers and demonstrating to your kids how important it is to live your life fully in the tenants of your faith - not just say you believe something and then live in a selfish way, etc. It sounds like you are doing that, so if you can just work to foster a close and loving relationship with your in-laws, your kids will grow up knowing that the right thing to do is to reach out to those you love, even when they are different than you and even when it can be difficult.
God be with your family.
Posted by: Holly | May 23, 2008 9:42 AM
