June 25, 2008 6:35 PM
Let It Go - keeping a tender heart
I had to drive to Alexandria this morning - about an hour and a half away in traffic time - to an office only half a mile from where I lived in 1969 when Samantha was born.
I popped in a CD Zach had made for me. I LOVE when my kids make CDs of their favorite music for me. This was the third song in and I just started bawling - yeah, that's right, riding down the Greenway to the Beltway and crying my eyes out. For some reason this song is very cathartic for me.
In case you've missed it before, here it is for the third time: you MUST see Meet the Robinsons. It is such a sweet, tender and triumphant movie. A movie about the difference forgiveness can make in a life. The first time I saw it - at the sticky-floored but family-friendly Tally-Ho in Leesburg - I was with the youngest 6 of my 12 kids.
The movie's theme resonated so strongly with me - especially because the pain of having a grown-up daughter break relationship with our family was still fresh and tender and hard to wrap my mind around.
For some reason lately my post Letting go of an angry daughter has been getting a lot of views and drawing some fresh comments. I know it's controversial - how much we are "allowed" to share about our children. But the bottom line is this: In trying to pretend our lives are perfect, we can be of no help to anyone. It's kind of like looking at photoshopped women and feeling miserable because our faces and bodies aren't as perfect as theirs. I'm not going to photoshop my life.
God wants us to be transparent. Part of how He's using blogs is in upping the ante on personal honesty/integrity. At least that's how I see it. In three years of blogging, I've seen readers get mad and leave in a huff because they didn't like this or that thing I said or did. But my blog isn't about making people like me. It's about showing people how a woman at my stage of motherhood continues learning to lean on God - not on my own understanding - while going through the challenges.
Just the opening notes of this song make me weep. They remind me of how God has changed me, replacing my own hard heart with his tenderness. Today I would rather deal with life's difficulties by feeling the pain of a tender heart than to go back to self-protection and a hard heart. I try to understand that my daughter is a certain age and her story isn't finished yet. But the bottom line is that she needs to trust God more. The irony is that she thinks she is protecting herself. But she is hurting so many other people - brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandparents. Truly, it takes a hard heart to put your own heart first.
This song is like my prayer for her. And a comfort to me as it reminds me to be grateful for the humbling work God has done in my life. It reminds me of what's most important - that we focus on what we have and not what we haven't got. In the end, we don't want to miss any "small hours" or "little wonders." Nothing else really matters.
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Comments
I loved that movie!
I am not to the stage yet of my kids making cd's for me, but my 13 year old son does let me d/l music to his MP3 player/phone. So far he still likes what I like...
Leslie
Posted by: My Twenty Cents Keeps Moving | June 25, 2008 9:02 PM
I love Rob Thomas.
I remember when you had some posts about personality types. I remember you being the same thing as my husband is. LOL...I don't always get along with my husband. Sometimes I think he is a close-minded tyrant. He thinks I am a weak-willed "emo". My idea of a good time is sitting around naval gazing. He would much rather be washing the car...because that is productive! He likes to tell me how to fix the world and I sit back and cringe at what I feel is harsh and punitive opinions. But then, I am the girl who cries at soup commercials so maybe it is my perspective that is a tad bit skewed. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
I remember you saying that your daughter was the opposite of you in personality type. If that is the case then she might be like me. If she is like me, then I might be able to understand her estrangement (which is not to say that I agree with it).
I am a very sensitive person, and it does not take much to make me feel less-than. Unfortunately it sometimes happens just with certain personality types, even though they don't do anything negative to me directly. The more confident, self-assured, extroverted, and intense a personality is, the more I feel small or invisible around them. I *despise* feeling this way, and am at times tempted to be angry at them even though they did nothing to be angry at.
I have this problem with my dad. He is a big talker, and he loves to give advice, and he is actually a pretty pleasant guy...but as my father he drives me CRAZY, because I feel really small and uninteresting in his presence. He is also pretty quirky which is something that makes me feel more at ease around him. I imagine though that if he was a big internet celebrity it would be much harder to fight the feeling of smallness that I have around him.
Anyway, I don't have any advice just offering my thoughts.
Posted by: paigeu | June 25, 2008 10:00 PM
Paige -
I think your comment is very insightful.
Yes, my daughter has let me know in no uncertain terms that she does not like my personality. I don't think of myself as a "big internet celebrity" :) But I am "self-assured, extroverted and intense."
It's funny, I never wanted her to change or be more like me, always accepted her and affirmed her for the wonderful parts of her quieter, gentler personality. Always let her know I thought she was a better mother than I, more nurturing, etc.
But I always felt like she could not accept me for who I am.
I waited through a year of her absence from our family before I began writing about it. I figure our family may have reached a dead end, but by opening up this part of my life, I might be of some help to others - either the ones who are rejected or the ones doing the rejecting.
If one mother/daughter relationship is set on the path to healing because I wrote this blog, then God will have used it for good. My first favorite story in the Bible is Joseph, who was mistreated and falsely accused by those who were supposed to love him (maybe he had a big, extroverted personality?) and who was so forgiving. Genesis 50:20.
Paige, I've always loved your thoughtful comments. You have a lot of insight and wisdom. And you certainly have a lot of self-honesty and understanding. I hope that seeing my heart revealed helps you understand your father more too :)
Posted by: barbara | June 25, 2008 11:24 PM
What a beautiful song and a beautiful sentiment. I hope "J" reads your dedication and prayer for her. I hope in some small moment her heart softens long enough for the great realization that surrendering to forgiveness is the greatest gift she can give herself.
Posted by: Kim | June 26, 2008 12:06 AM
Barbara,
I don't remember reading about it, but did your daughter ever give you a reason as to why she no longer wants to be a part of the family? Or did she just cut you all off with no explanation?
Libby
Posted by: Libby | June 26, 2008 10:09 AM
I hope you will also remember to pray for those influencing/advising your daughter. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother as a young adult & for a while I minimized contact because every contact with her was just painful for days/months/years afterward, compounding the baggage I was struggling to name & jettison. She had the personality to interpret anything hurtful as deliberately inflicted/mean/punitive, when from my perspective it was a necessary self-defense, a "time out" if you will, to deal with the burdens of the past without accumulating new stuff. That strategy worked--by having time to work on forgiveness & only the past, I was later able to have more contact with my mother without it being a source of festering resentment & hurt. But during that time of very little contact, I didn't know how long it would last and it wasn't clear that increased contact was a goal. When I eventually had an idea of what kind of relationship I wanted & felt I had the interior resources to work toward that goal (still a paradigm of self-defense), I had more contact. Perhaps there are parallels for your situation.
During that time, some of the few people I allowed to influence me weren't able to give me helpful advice, including several priests & confessors. I think that prolonged the situation. A confessor finally said I wasn't going to get anywhere till I knew what relationship I wanted--and that was the right thing to say. So my point is that in addition to praying for her, please pray for the folks who will give her advice, that they'll be guided by the Holy Spirit.
Posted by: Anon | June 26, 2008 12:50 PM
I love that you share about your family struggles openly, Barbara. You have never slandered your daughter. You have shared your grief, longing, and desire to trust the Lord. I can't imagine how many mom's have been encouraged to hear they aren't alone! I know some other families in your situation, and it's heartwrenching. I pray for you when I pray for them! May our great God, the God of reconciliation, reconcile you and your daughter!!
Posted by: shawnda | June 26, 2008 8:50 PM
Barbara,
Although I don't know why your daughter has refused to be a part of your family and has totally withdrawn, I know that can be very, very heartbreaking. We had something similar happen except that it was I who refused to speak to my mom for quite some time. Boy, did I have to be brought to a place in my heart where the Lord could soften me and give me the ability to see from a different perspective. Not easy, to say the least, but well worth it. And this took several years. My mom has threatened to kill my sister when my sister would not jump at her beck and call, she did not show up at my brother's wedding nor at the birth of my first and only child. So, yes, these things amongst many others broke my heart and made me so angry with my mom. I chose to write my mom and tell her what was on my heart. I prayed before hand so that it would be done in humility. She never responded to me and told my sister some hurtful things about me. It's been very hard, especially due to the fact that my mom and I were once very close. Keep praying, Barbara, because God is faithful and He can do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we could ask or think. I will certainly pray that He softens your daughter's heart and gives her humility. A heart of unforgiveness is not a pretty thing...believe me!!
Posted by: Libby | June 27, 2008 9:02 AM
