June 23, 2008 7:51 AM
Siblings co-sleeping
From the If There Were Only One Thing I Could Do Differently Department:
You know, I'm still learning too. With kids 8-38 (gulp! - but keep in mind my birth kids are 15-38 and my last three are adopted), I've raised two generations of kids. This has given me a unique perspective in many ways.
But this blog - where I share what I've learned and what I'm learning - impacts me too. Many moms who comment here who know more than I do about some things.
A year and a half ago I ran a question by someone on siblings co-sleepingSiblings sharing beds - advice please.
I was so touched by the response from moms who described the wonderful experience of their children and the greater harmony in their home, that I would like to revisit that and invite more comments.
Unfortunately, I grew up thinking that every child needed "their own space." If I could change anything about my history as a mother, this would be first on the list. While Tripp and I did co-sleep with our children - beginning tentatively in 1983 and increasing as we gained confidence to buck the then conventional wisdom - it never occurred to us to let the kids sleep together.
Those of you with young children may want to consider the benefits.
And those of you with experience in this area may want to take a moment to remind us all of what they are.
Thanks to all my readers for sharing your wisdom whenever you can!
Posted in Babies, Big families, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
I'm surprised that I didn't comment on this the first time around!
Personally, I don't like to sleep alone. I've co-slept my little babies, and snuggled with the older ones many a night. Why would I think that a small child would want to sleep all alone?
My oldest daughter (10) shares a bed with her 3yo sister. We were planning to buy the youngest one her own bed, but the girls preferred sleeping together. My sons are the same way.
My husband thinks one day we're going to need an 8 bedroom house so all of the kids can have their own rooms, but I don't think they're even going to want that. Give them a couple of weeks of sleeping alone every night, and they'll want their brothers and sisters back.
Posted by: Michelle Potter | June 23, 2008 9:03 AM
My two oldest girls share a bed, and though I haven't taken much time to analyze the deeper benefits of co-sleeping, practically speaking, they sleep MUCH better. The younger one is always afraid of everything, but as long as she's in bed with her sister, she sleeps soundly all night. That's great for everybody:)
Posted by: Ashley | June 23, 2008 9:20 AM
I don't co-sleep with my children (mommy and daddy need their space!) and my kids (ages 7, 4 and 2) all have their own rooms. But on weekends and all during breaks from school, they get to have slumber parties. They usually sleep in my daughter's room, since she has a queen size bed. Even the toddler, who's still in a crib, gets in the act by sleeping in the pack and play next to her bed. They love it and I know my daughter sleeps better. My older son does not sleep as well (he gets kicked all night - his sister is an active sleeper), which is partly why it's restricted. But it's wonderful to listen to them play and now that my son is reading, he often reads to them before they go to sleep.
We also have a tradition (which my mother did with me and my siblings) that when my husband is out of town for travel - which is fairly often - the older two get to take turns sleeping with mommy. When the toddler moves to a bed, he'll be able to join the rotation. If my husband is gone three nights, they get one night each alone and then one night we're all together.
I think it's really good for kids to share rooms and if our boys were closer in age, we'd put them in the same room. My brother and I shared a room until I was in third grade. Even after we got our own rooms, we'd have slumber parties because we missed each other! My daughter especially likes to sleep with someone and I wish she had a sister to share her room with. I think there's no better way to learn about sharing space and getting along with other people than in the context of family. It also seems to be the time they play the best, since they're quiet and relaxed.
Posted by: Lucy | June 23, 2008 10:34 AM
Fantastic topic!! We co-sleep with the littles, in the past until 5 mo and then 8 mo (would have been longer the second time but I had to have surgery and couldn't even sleep next to my husband. quite sad. anyway...) We had intended for the girls to sleep in the same bed, just the same room. However, they initiated the sleeping together in the same bed. They love it. Now the littlest though is getting to be a bit of a bed hog we're trying to convince them that beds just a few feet a part is pretty good too an that they'll sleep a little better. The youngest is a very sound, and wild sleeper. While the eldest is a very stationary and light sleeper. Poor thing gets pushed around in bed a lot. Still doesn't want to leave baby sisters side. I've come in at night to see them cuddled and holding hands in their sleep. I think that time at night to simply be together and bond is very important. Just like it is for babies with Mama and Abba (what our children call their Dad).
Co-sleeping was one of those things I thought I'd never want to do. But then I had a c-section with my first and it just made so much sense because I couldn't sit up to nurse her for weeks. And then by the time I could I discovered co-sleeping was great and we were all sleeping so well. It was one of those things though we didn't advertise because so many people we new (including family) thought it was such a bad idea. It wasn't until I was talking to a mom of 8 and she said to me how it took her until her 4th baby to figure out how great and easy it was for everybody if baby just stayed in bed with her, that I got bold about it. Since it was parents of 1 or 2 children that said baby shouldn't be with us and a mom of 8 that said it was great, I decided to go with the mom of 8. :)
Sorry to go on so long about thing, but I just hope that those who are inclinded to try it with either their babies or to let siblings do it would feel confident enough to go for it. How I wish someone had given me "The Baby Book" when I was pregnant the first time. Praise God for the Sears and all they have done for parents!!!
Posted by: tiffany | June 23, 2008 11:13 AM
My children have all coslept with each other at various times. Even when they had their own beds, I couldn't keep them apart! They are always begging for a "sleepover". Currently, my three girls share a room with one twin and one full bed. Usually all three are in the full together!
They can't wait until the baby is old enough to join in.
I think they sleep better, and longer. All of the children play well together, we don't have any problems with sibling rivalry (I don't think this is solely because they share rooms and sleeping arrangements, but I DO think it contributes.) My oldest is 10 and my youngest is 1.
I also think it prepares them for later in life, when they will have to share a room with dormmates, roommates, spouses, and be awakened at night by their own children. I think children who grow up sleeping alone in silence are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to adjusting later in life!
In the mornings, my little girls and the baby come to my bed and get me up and we all snuggle together for a little bit.
Posted by: Milehimama | June 23, 2008 11:37 AM
We don't co-sleep unless a baby is sick or scared and they each have their own room. I would be really worried that they would never go to sleep if they shared a room, let alone a bed. Plus, since I have a boy and a girl, I figure they will need their own space/privacy sooner or later.
Having said that, my sisters and I shared a queen bed at one point when we lived in a two bedroom apartment and we loved it. I do remember lots of nights of getting in trouble because we didn't sleep and both my sisters (even now!) are horrible sleepers - talking, tossing and turning and slapping arms around in their sleep. But we're very close as adults. I think it was much more the environment that fostered the closeness than a shared bed for a year, but since we were close, sharing a bed was fun. Like a slumber party every night. :) Now I just wish we lived close enough to each other for a real sleep over.
Posted by: Laura | June 23, 2008 11:39 AM
My kids are 6 1/2 year old twins (boy/girl); 4 1/2 year old girl; and a 3 year old boy. We have allowed them to co-sleep and share bedrooms since our twins were about a year old. Our twins started sleeping together when my son was old enough to crawl into his sister's crib. They loved it and slept so well together. When they moved to toddler beds we continued to find them together. About two year ago we moved our daughters into their own room and they had their own beds. Our youngest daughter would not sleep in her own bed, so often we found the girls asleep together. Our current situation finds our twins sharing a room (have their own beds) and our two youngest share a bed. Technically, we have a boys' room and a girls' room, but as you can tell they have their own ideas on where they will sleep. It also helps because the little ones don't end up in bed with us as often when they are sleeping with a sibling.
Posted by: Shauna | June 23, 2008 12:15 PM
Funny that I saw this as my husband and I were talking about this last night.
My two oldest Boy and Girl love to sleep with each other - they are literally attached at the hip. Well, we understand that they are getting older and they should have their own space, especially because they are boy and girl - well, we bought them bunk beds that way the beds are smaller and they are still together. First two nights were great! They each slept in their own beds - well, the past few nights, no such luck. My son will end up in my daughter's bed or vice-versa. I do not mind it at all because they do sleep better when they are together - I just want to see what will happen when we buy a house and they no longer share a room (they share the room with their baby brother in his crib)
My middle two boys(yes, that makes a total of 5! LOL) both have full sized beds in their room and no matter how they start off by the middle of the night, one or the other has crawled into the other's bed.
I have given up! LOL They will sleep on their own when ready - I just hope for my daughter though it isn't too long!
Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Krystal - momofautism | June 23, 2008 1:07 PM
While mom and dad didn't cosleep with us as infants..My sister and I shared a bed until we were about 6 and 3.. maybe a little older, then when the next sister came along I think we got new twin/single beds. V. and I remember a lot about those days, actually. I don't know if it brought us closer or if we ended up fighting even more -- you know, over the covers, etc. :)
Posted by: Maria | June 23, 2008 1:46 PM
I'd be open to kids cosleeping, but it hasn't worked out yet -- my second is a very active sleeper, so much so that my husband and I (ardent co-sleepers ourselves) finally had to kick him out of our bed even though we really didn't want to, so it's perfectly reasonable that my first really doesn't want to sleep with him. And the third is still young enough that he's in with mommy and daddy. Eventually, we'll have kids sharing rooms, and then where they sleep is up to them (unless, of course, they start arguing about it).
One note of caution: The one combination that absolutely should not happen is a baby sleeping with a toddler/preschooler. Young children tend to sleep more heavily, and are much more likely to not notice that the baby's having some sort of trouble than a parent or older child. Most babies sleep best with or near their mother (especially if mom is breastfeeding baby). Anyone interested in learning more about the safety of all this, look for Dr. James McKenna's research.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | June 23, 2008 2:13 PM
We are an entire family of co-sleepers! (all nine of us)
Nineteen years ago when we had our first child, my hubby was in Bible School so we had to rent out the second room in our 2 bedroom apartment to pay his tuition - thus the co-sleeping began. When we moved into a three bedroom home and were blessed with many girls (six of them!), we always seemed to have a "need" for that 3rd bedroom (as an office for my home business, a family room, a place for the many teenagers who have made our home theirs for seasons of life), so as a result all six girls have shared a small room & beds for their entire lives. They love it and we love it! (you can see a slide show of their room in this post on my blog - just scroll down to the bottom - here)
They have all learned to share, to compromise, to problem solve, to organize and to be very flexible and easy going when it comes to their "space" & their "things". (quite a contrast to most people in modern day America) They can sleep anywhere and through any amount of noise and chaos. But the best result - they have developed close relationships with all their sisters no matter the age difference and they have made many memories that they will cherish for life.
We now have a baby boy (1 year old) and are "having" to make the 3rd bedroom into a "boys" room. We are desperately wanting to adopt a boy or two (or however many the Lord will give us - www.babybrother.wordpress.com). I can just see a bunch of boys jumping off the bunk beds together and making their room into a cave with sheets & blankets when they are suppose to be napping. I can't wait! :)
I am so glad that life's twists and turns led us to be a co-sleeping family.
Posted by: Beth Lambdin | June 23, 2008 3:51 PM
Ditto on "great topic"!
As far as co-sleeping with my babies--we have generally found that a matter of necessity. Even my pediatrician husband, pressured by the mantras of the Academy of Pediatrics, has realized the untold benefits of such co-sleeping. When nursing a little one, it was just the most obvious answer for us.
But, as soon as our children were not nursing during the night, they moved to the kid room. This is, too, began as a matter of necessity, but has become a happy choice. 3 boys in one room--some people gasp "WHAT!!! 3 boys in one room!" and others yawn "What, only 3 boys in one room?" In any case, it's been the very best situation for our family.
And a bit of fruit from this came to us only a week or so ago. Our oldest had been drawing floor plans of his dream home and happened to show them to a visiting adult friend. Moments later, after graciously appreciating the renderings, she commented how touched she was that in his "dream home," despite his absolute prerogative to do whatever his heart desired, he had kept the boys' room in tact.
For us room-sharing has been one of very best ways to foster deep and close relationships among our chidren.
Posted by: Franchelle | June 23, 2008 6:09 PM
I just have to add to my earlier post. Tonight even though I had said that everyone needed to sleep in their own rooms, my two older kids begged to sleep together. So I asked them what they liked best about having their slumber party. They liked that they didn't have to go to each other's room in the morning to play - it's ever so much more convenient. And my daughter said that she's scared when her brother's not there.
She is a kid who does not like to sleep alone. When she was a little younger, she spent months sleeping on the floor in our room because she would get scared at night. But my husband just cannot sleep if she's in bed with us, plus she would wake me up to tell me she was scared. So we made a deal that she could come in our room, but she couldn't wake up mommy and she had to sleep on her little bed on the floor (we laid out a sleeping bag and a pillow for her). Eventually, she started sleeping through the night. But she still ends up in bed with us sometimes.
I don't mind. :)
Posted by: Lucy | June 24, 2008 11:11 PM
I probably commented last time, but will again. :)
My two older boys share a bottom bunk. They have pillows at opposite ends, but often find themselves cuddling by morning. Even with my middle child waking up *screaming* every night for well over a year (night terrors?? we don't know), it never disturbed the sleep of the older one.
Posted by: Margaret | June 25, 2008 2:02 PM
This topic was very timely. We are moving, and my little guy hasn't been sleeping well through the night since we switched him to a pack-n-play about a month ago to prep him for the move. (Last move he was sleeping through the night prior, and went into distress and wouldn't sleep through the night for 7 months afterwards.) Big brother has been stressed about the move, too, and always asks, "Mommy, will you snuggle me?" at bedtime. We moved into a hotel last night and little brother got to sleep in a big boy bed with big brother for the first time. It did my heart good to hear them giggling and playing, and then Daddy laid down between them and they quickly fell asleep. I woke at 3:30 and peeked at the two boys - they were restless, and snuggling closer together - neither one woke up. Little guy woke up at 5:30 and was sitting up in bed wondering where he was, but he was not scared at all. They are excited to share a bed again tonight. I think this may be the beginning of a really good thing for them. Thanks for bringing it up as a great option - not something I would have thought about.
Posted by: beccy | June 25, 2008 5:16 PM
I am sooo happy that I found your website, in particular this discussion on siblings co-sleeping! I have 2 biological children--daughter 14 and son 10--who have always had their own rooms, but spent many many nights co-sleeping. They are wonderfully secure children and friends with each other. In 2 weeks we will bring home siblings (girl 6 and boy 4) who have lived separately in an orphanage for nearly 2 years. My plan has always been to bring them home and co-sleep them...with each other in their room and with all of us...however it works out each night. You should see the looks I get from people when they don't agree with my "plan"! After reading your blog and supportive comments, I'm confident that my instincts are right-on for the intense bonding/attachment that needs to occur for our "new family" to be successful. Thank you!
Posted by: Michelle | July 16, 2008 2:28 PM
